Review – Raising Jeffrey Dahmer

Here’s a point of view you don’t get from every true crime slasher movie: the parents’ perspective. This production follows Lionel Dahmer – father of the title killer – as he weathers his son’s bizarre behavior and eventual notoriety. To the extent that the picture follows anything at all, that is. In true amateur style, the filmmakers mash flashbacks and poseur conceits together as randomly as if the editing had been done by picking shots out of a hat. Thus they transformed what should have been a fascinating, fresh perspective into a barely edible burgoo. See if desperate

Review – Out of Sight

I admit Elmore Leonard’s charm eludes me, so I suppose devotees of his clever-ish crime dramedies may get more out of this than I did. Or maybe not. True to the author’s style, this picture supplies capers aplenty and dialogue crammed with a certain low cunning. But even a die-hard fan would be hard pressed to endure the extended trapped-in-a-car-trunk-together exchange of riposte between George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez. See if desperate

Review – Hidden

I’m not exactly sure where this goes wrong, though the script is my strongest suspect. The premise is interesting enough: a scientist uses bug venom to make addictions physically manifest themselves as tumor-like objects that can be surgically extracted. But when the things begin to grow outside their hosts ... well, then unfortunately the story falls apart, turning into yet another run-of-the-mill stroll through an abandoned hospital in the company of annoying 20-somethings. Production values are fine, the acting is fine, but the plot wanders all over the place. Mildly amusing

Review – Mommie Dearest

I’ve seen this a time or two before this week’s viewing, and in the past it always struck me as a delightful farce, a masterpiece of scenery-chewing excess. However, this time around it bothered me at least a little. Faye Dunaway’s portrayal of Joan Crawford is completely out of control. Even Crawford’s supporters admit she was an alcoholic, and if her daughter’s account is to be believed she was also the victim of a nasty case of OCD and may also have suffered from bipolar or borderline disorder. Though her mental illness might make her a poor target for broad comedy (even given the general presumption that celebrities are fair game for most anything), it doesn’t excuse child abuse. And that’s the central problem here. “Wire Hanger Kabuki Demon” sounds more like a Japanese game show than a serious treatment of a serious problem. I could see sympathetic treatment of an actor destroyed by mental illness. I could see a skillful condemnation of her behavior. I just can’t see this inept trivialization. See if desperate

Review – The American Scream

Yet again a documentary team turns an eye on yet another subculture of obsessives. This time around it’s the folks who turn their yards into haunted houses for Halloween. We get a mix of three protagonists – the nerd, the good ol’ boy and the mildly mentally ill guy – with different approaches to their craft. But all of them have two things in common: too much time on their hands and too much space available to store their set pieces and props for the other 11 months of the year. Still, their creations are interesting, occasionally bordering on artistic. As obsessions go, this beats spelling bees or crossword puzzles. Mildly amusing

Review – Lockout

The problem with Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’ cover of “Sloop John B” by The Beach Boys is that it leads off with an homage to “Teenage Lobotomy” by The Ramones. The Gimmes’ song is fine, but it tends to leave me wondering why I’m not listening to The Ramones. Likewise I spent most of this movie wondering why I wasn’t watching Escape from New York (or at least Escape from LA). The time’s a little farther in the future, and the place is a space station rather than a repurposed metropolis. Otherwise it’s the same rebel commando prison rescue routine. A lavish effects budget and an addiction to ill-conceived quips doesn’t make for a better picture. Mildly amusing

Review – Treasure Island (2012)

Short of moving the show to outer space, this production does just about everything possible to make Robert Louis Stevenson’s story interesting. And still it comes up short. Long John Silver (Eddie Izzard) is recast as the anti-hero of a class warfare tale, set against a greedy, arrogant Squire Trelawney. The fun parts of the tale are still fun, and if this had been cut down to 90 minutes or so it might have been a good picture. Unfortunately the time demands of a two-part miniseries pack the plot with far too much filler. Mildly amusing

My eight favorite Thanksgiving movies

Thanksgiving lacks movies. Halloween? Plenty. Christmas? Oh please. But the holiday in between doesn’t have a clear cinema tradition other than the common practice of fleeing family gatherings for the relative peace of the movie theater. So let’s remedy this injustice. The holiday is about three things: gratitude, togetherness and eating. So at this festive time of year let’s get together and be grateful for movies about eating.

Specifically, movies about people eating people. I’m not trying to do the whole vegetarian “imagine the turkey was you” thing (though it is at least something to think about). It’s just that movies about cannibals tend to be more fun than movies about gourmets. To keep things simple, this list excludes people-eating zombies (after all, as Dr. Millard Rausch pointed out in Dawn of the Dead, “They don’t eat each other”). I don’t care for Italian shock movies from the 1970s, so the list also omits that particular sub-set of the cannibal sub-genre.

Still, that leaves us with a lot of movies to pick from. Especially these eight:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Rough as it is, this is still the ultimate “country folk will eat you” picture. Loosely based on the crimes of Wisconsin cannibal Ed Gein, this movie will leave you with at least a scrap of doubt the next time you eat a hot dog, sausage or any other kind of mystery meat.

Something from the Ed Gein list – Speaking of the Butcher of Plainfield, Gein has served as the inspiration for many a movie, some better than others. In keeping with the theme, I suggest one of the productions that sticks closer to the true story (Deranged or Ed Gein) rather than the looser, classier adaptations (Psycho and Silence of the Lambs).

The Hills Have Eyes – The Web tells me someone made a movie directly based on the exploits of Sawney Beane and his cave-dwelling, cannibal family. However, IMDb doesn’t have a listing for it, which suggests that it hasn’t been released yet. While we’re waiting, we’ll just have to be content with The Hills Have Eyes, a Beane-inspired desert romp directed by Wes Craven.

Motel Hell – It does indeed take all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters. You’ll be a huge hit at the family dinner table if you volunteer to say grace and then offer up “meat’s meat and a man's gotta eat!”

Parents – Most of the rest of the movies on this list assume that cannibalism is something you encounter only if you’re foolish enough to venture outside the safety of the suburbs. This entry brings the threat right into the wholesome family kitchen. And of course Thanksgiving leftovers can’t help but bring one mindful of the “leftovers to be” line from this movie.

Sweeney Todd – I didn’t want to go the whole list without one big budget production. And what would the holidays be like without musicals? Needless to say, the list of big-budget musicals about cannibalism is fairly short.

Ravenous – In honor of the Thanksgiving myth about the Wampanoag generously (if foolishly) sharing food with the Pilgrims, the last two entries feature the Wendigo. According to Algonquian legend, anyone who eats human flesh risks becoming possessed by an evil spirit that brings with it a horrible hunger that can never be satisfied. This picture pits the monster against a small band of soldiers on the 19th century frontier.

“Skin and Bones” – If you’re watching this whole set as a Thanksgiving Day marathon, then by now you’re probably ready for something shorter and lighter. This episode from Fear Itself meets the short requirement, but it’s by far the creepiest entry on the list.

Review – Parents

If you don’t already have some kind of food-related childhood trauma, you will by the time you’re done watching this. Further, if you’re on the border of going vegetarian, this might be just enough to push you over the edge. Here the ultimate childhood fantasy fear – that your parents are secretly some kind of monsters – comes horribly true. Normally I don’t care much for the stiff, mopey, ponderous mood of indie movies, but here it actually contributes to a delightful sense of strangeness and menace. Worth seeing

Review – Mega Piranha

Because sometimes at the end of a long week you just have to shut your brain off for awhile. Let it cool down. Reboot. When that’s where you are, The Asylum has your back. Weaponized piranha take over the Orinoco, getting larger and larger as they swim downstream. By the time they hit the ocean, they’re as big as houses and completely comfortable in salt water. I genuinely respect former pop princess Tiffany for her attempt to stay in the public eye, but the rest of the cast is missable. As is the script, direction and just about everything else here. Put this on your viewing list only if you seriously need to go for an hour and a half without firing a single synapse. See if desperate

Review – The Pact

Buried somewhere under a giant pile of indie film crap lies the potential for a good horror movie. Certainly the house haunted by a malevolent force thing has been done to better effect elsewhere, as has the serial killer with a creepy nickname and MO (however Boo-Radley-gone-bad it might be here). Sadly, any chance this picture had of scaring, entertaining or not sucking in any way is undone by filmmakers desperate for admission to the IFC club. The result drips with minor key piano plinking, extreme close-ups and a host of other bargain-basement “art” conceits. I found the sound work particularly hard to take, especially the cliché trick of inspiring a sense of menace by playing a relentless, low-pitched humming noise. Oh, and the scene that blared dreadful music so loud that I had to hit the mute button, thus missing some of what I assume was key dialogue. See if desperate

Review – Werewolf: The Beast Among Us

Not for the first time (and probably not for the last), I find myself wondering why productions like this bother trying to come up with plots. Just assume that the audience has come for the werewolf, and don’t feel like you need to bother so much with the non-mysterious mystery about who the shape-shifter secretly is or why he’s targeting this particular town. Or if you do feel the need to tell as story more sophisticated than “once upon a time a monster ate a bunch of people the end,” go ahead and come up with a good one. See if desperate

Review – Coma (2012)

I’m not sure a reboot or remake or bootmake of the original movie was strictly necessary, but here it is anyway. As not exactly unusual with miniseries plots, this story seems to have a lot of unnecessary filler (not to mention fading big-name stars in supporting roles). Still, the basic story is the same: a doctor discovers that a center for coma patients is secretly using them as an organ donation bank (among other things). The new version packs a lot more “thrilling” chase crap, and it lacks the simple creepiness of bodies suspended in midair by thin wires. In other words, this isn’t terrible but the first one was better. Mildly amusing

Review – Red Scorpion

What a shame all the production hassles didn’t manage to shut this thing down before they finished shooting it. In the wake of the whole Rambo thing, the Reagan 80s spawned a slew of cheap action movies with jingoistic conservative plots. In this go-around Dolph Lundgren plays an evil Spetsnaz operative sent to assassinate an anti-communist guerilla leader in Africa. Abandoned by his cruel taskmasters and befriended by the indigenous population, our “hero” goes to work for the forces of truth, justice and the American way. If only Lundgren didn’t look quite so much like a living, breathing Tom of Finland cartoon, this would have been a little easier to take seriously. Not a lot, but a little. See if desperate

Review – Dark House

The old evil-possessed house shtick gets a cyber twist (and yes, I meant to use a term as trite as “cyber”). A neurotic acting student seeks an excuse to return to the title location, where she had a bad experience as a child. Fortunately (or ultimately unfortunately) for her, a professional haunted house attraction designer needs actors to escort a couple of critics through the hologram-intensive show he constructed in the eponymous spot. Do I even have to tell you that the terror scenes eventually go from computer-generated illusion to deadly reality? See if desperate

Review – Tales from the Darkside: The Movie

“Tales from the Mopey Side” is more like it. The first segment in this set of three (plus bracket) is a reasonably entertaining take on “Lot 249” by Arthur Conan Doyle. The other two spots are considerably more mediocre, more depressing than spooky despite their supernatural underpinnings. And production-value-wise, this is very much the kin of the George-Romero-produced TV series that spawned it. Overall this is a cut or two above the average horror anthology piece, but that’s a fairly low standard of comparison. Mildly amusing

Review – Spliced

The “movie within a movie” here is actually more interesting than the main plot. A high school student who suffers from severe nightmares doesn’t exactly help her cause by going to see the latest slasher picture. She walks away afflicted by visits from the movie’s cliché villain: a supernatural stalker who finds fiendish ways to grant whatever wish might accidentally escape the protagonist’s mouth. The bad guy’s M.O. of slashing his victims with broken glass shards stuck to his fingers is way too Freddy Krueger, and the rest of the production follows suit. See if desperate

Review – The Town

Boston native Ben Affleck directs and stars, leaving me wondering if people from his hometown really do live the criminal mook stereotype lifestyle Hollywood ascribes to them. The picture sports solid production values but suffers greatly from the assumption that armed robbers who menace working folks and kill law enforcement officers will naturally appeal to audiences. Affleck plays a typical poor-boy-criminal-just-looking-for-a-way-out who falls in love with a bank employee kidnapped during one of his crew’s heists. My interest waned after only 40 minutes, so thank goodness the thing didn’t go for its original four-hour running time. Mildly amusing

Review – The Evil One

I came here for the premise: the evil spirit of Herman Mudgett (better known to the world as H.H. Holmes, creator of the notorious “murder castle”) haunts Englewood, his old Chicago neighborhood, now largely lower-class African American. The set-up provided all kinds of potential to explore Holmes’s psychosis or at least make some points about racial inequality. Instead, incompetence smothers any chance this picture has of doing anything other than wasting nearly two hours of the audience’s time. See if desperate

Review – Albert Fish

For an exploitation documentary about a perverted killer, this isn’t half bad. Most of what I’ve read about the notorious child murderer focuses on his most famous crime: the kidnapping, slaying and eating of Grace Budd, the deeds that seated him in the electric chair. But this production delves deeper into the rest of his criminal career and some possible explanations for his behavior. Though I could have gone for the whole rest of the day without gazing upon the visage of Joe Coleman, I found the rest of the picture professional and informative. Mildly amusing

Review – The Oblong Box

The Oblong Bore. The premise is simple Poe, typical skulduggery about burial alive, grave robbers and the like. Even the nonsense about the protagonist’s disfigured brother might have been okay if handled differently. Unfortunately, this picture gets packed with far too much baggage to successfully find its way to its destination. The result is an experiment in wasted time, a relentless parade of supporting characters engaged in pointless pursuits with obscure motivations. And of course there’s the business with the brother’s mask: spending so long being so coy about what the red cloth hides guarantees disappointment no matter how good the makeup turns out to be (and in this case it ain’t great). What a pointless squandering of Vincent Price and Christopher Lee. See if desperate

Review – H.H. Holmes: America’s First Serial Killer

I admit to a fascination with H.H. Holmes’s notorious “murder castle,” a building designed to facilitate its creator’s practice of killing people and dismembering their bodies. But even though I liked director John Borowski’s later work on a similar piece about Albert Fish, I found this production wanting. The only interesting part about the Holmes story is his building. Beyond that he’s just another con artist slash serial killer, neither the last nor the first America would ever suffer (despite the title’s claim). Sadly, this relatively short picture spends far too much time on the more mundane parts of the killer’s career. Mildly amusing