The Conspiracy Rules

Awhile back I got started watching Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s TV series on conspiracies. As noted in the list of my eight favorite conspiracy movies, I’m fond of this kind of stuff. However, Ventura and his crew go more than a little overboard.

In their defense, it’s hard to make an entire series out of a subject like this without delving at least a little into the realm of pure bullshit. Further, they do raise some questions about things that deserve to be questioned. And of course it’s wrong to expect high-quality intellectual analysis from a former professional wrestler.

However, Ventura’s show does serve admirably as a petri dish full of specimens of the logic errors that form the basis of the Conspiracy Rules. Just to make them easier to remember (in case you need to apply them during a cocktail party conversation or when accosted by a pamphlet-wielding true believer on the street), I’ve narrowed it down to five rather than the usual eight.

Conspiracy Rule One: Anyone who has a motive to lie is lying
Along with means and opportunity, motive is an important part of establishing an emotional (if not a legal) presumption of guilt. However, it’s nowhere near as self-sufficient as conspiracy nuts seem to think. The government fails to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about a crime? That must mean the government committed it.

Now, obviously anyone who lies about something does tend to create a presumption of complicity. However, even that presumption is subject to rebuttal. For example, Jim Garrison managed to do a fairly convincing job of proving that Clay Shaw was sometimes less than honest. However, he failed to make a distinction between lying about being involved in an assassination conspiracy and lying to cover up his homosexuality. In any event, a presumption of bad action by a liar is not the same as a presumption of lying by anyone who might have any reason to lie. Listen for statements such as “Naturally he’d say that; he stands to turn a big profit” or “That’s just what you’d expect a conspirator to say.”

Conspiracy Rule Two: Anyone who has no apparent motive to lie is telling the truth
This one’s the natural flip side of Rule One. If someone stands to gain nothing by lying, then what he says must be accurate. This can be used to validate all sorts of “expert” opinions. After all, why would anyone devote his entire life to the useless pursuit of some minute detail unless there was something to it?

Two problems. First, people are motivated by all kinds of things. Covering up complicity in a crime is a solid motive (though again, see Rule One). So is turning a solid profit. But people are also motivated by simple obsession, a need for attention, and sometimes even mental illness. You don’t have to spend much time in the company of true believers before you develop an appreciation for the true nature of belief.

The other problem of course is that if anyone with no motive to lie is telling the truth, that allows for all kinds of different (and mutually incompatible) truths. Do a search on “Dealey Plaza” and discover the meaning of “plethora.”

Conspiracy Rule Three: Lack of evidence is evidence
Anything that can’t be clearly documented is automatically evidence of a cover-up. For example, many 9/11 conspiracy “experts” dwell endlessly on the absence of video images of the plane striking the Pentagon. It’s an argument with some emotional appeal. After all, there are literally thousands of photos and videos of the attacks (at least the second one) on the World Trade Center. Yet even the Pentagon’s own security cameras didn’t capture the airplane right at the moment of impact.

This legitimately raises a “why not” question. However, it doesn’t prove that the damage was actually caused by a cruise missile. Nor does it answer a ton of other questions raised by the conspiracy theory, such as “if the plane didn’t hit the Pentagon, what did happen to it?”

And speaking of questions …

Conspiracy Rule Four: Questions are evidence
We’ve already met one form of this: “why would she say that if it wasn’t true?” But using questions as proof goes far beyond Rule Two.

Again let’s turn to JFK, specifically the death of David Ferrie. Why would Ferrie leave two suicide notes, Stone’s Garrison wonders, and then kill himself with a poison that leaves no trace? That must be evidence that he was killed by a conspiracy. The coroner’s response reveals one of the big problems with this rule: “If it’s a suicide, Jim, I’ve seen stranger.” Sometimes the answers to these supposedly unanswered questions are more than a little obvious.

More directly to the point, they aren’t proof of conspiracy because they’re simultaneously proof of a lack of conspiracy. Ferrie’s death is a perfect case in point. If you were going to murder somebody and make it look like a suicide, why do it in a way that raises questions at all? Why not leave one note and simply hang the guy from the nearest convenient chandelier? None of that proves anything.

Conspiracy Rule Five: False dichotomies are gospel
All the rest of the rules ultimately stem from this one, so if you can just remember Rule Five you’ll be in business. Conspiracy nuts absolutely love absolutes. Everything is black or white, right or wrong, truth or lies. Either nothing at all is going on at Area 51, or the government is hiding a flying saucer there. Either Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone or he was a patsy set up by a conspiracy that went all the way to the highest levels of American government. And so on.

In most cases, it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to come up with at least one explanation simpler than the conspiracy-oriented extremes. For example, maybe Area 51 is being used for secret aircraft prototype testing. That simultaneously solves many of the problems with the “nothing going on at all” and “dead space aliens” theories.

Mind you, if Jesse Ventura is on your front porch demanding that you tell him “the truth,” logic may not be your best defense. Whatever ethical advantage you might obtain isn’t likely to impress the target audience.

Review – Hiroshima (2005)

This narration-intensive docudrama from the BBC does a reasonably good job of telling part of the story of the first atomic bomb ever actually used during a war. Indeed, if they’d just stuck to the after-effects in the title city, it would have been a slightly better production. The reenactments of bits and pieces of the Trinity test and other run-up events were too scattershot to add much to the production. Mildly amusing

Review – Homo Sapiens 1900

One of the things that frequently gets lost in consideration of the Nazis' genocidal atrocities is that they didn't exactly come up with the theories of “racial purity” that came to characterize their evil. But as productions such as this point out, eugenics didn't begin with Hitler. Instead, at one point it was considered at least a semi-legitimate branch of evolutionary biology in such "forward thinking" places as the United States. Though I already knew a little about the subject, I was startled to learn just how heavily the Soviets were into the whole selective breeding thing. Though this isn't an ultra-polished production, it nonetheless does a fine job of working with archive footage to bring to light a part of history that seems all too easy to ignore. Mildly amusing

Review – Amityville 3D

Wow. I don't know what happened here. Usually "Part 3 in 3-D" sequels are way better than this. Actually this picture is impressive in one respect: after "Part 2: The Stinkeroo" it's incredible they were able to find financing for another round. If 3-D devil flies are on your bucket list, then dash on out and rent this crapfest. Otherwise it may be safely missed. See if desperate

Review – Worse than War

As one of humanity's most loathsome occupations, genocide is a worthy target for anyone looking to do something about it. Thus it's hard to make a bad movie about the subject. But PBS and author Daniel Goldhagen come darn close. When it sticks to the facts, this is as good as any other anti-genocide picture. But far too much of the running time is devoted not to the topic itself but to Goldhagen's personal reactions to it. Once again, world of publicly-funded East Coast media, the world is full of things far more interesting than you. Hard to believe, but true nonetheless. Mildly amusing

Review – Countdown to Zero

How nice it would be to live in a world where filmmakers could be faulted for producing a feature-length documentary that does nothing but state the obvious about the threat posed by nuclear proliferation. Sadly, many people still don't seem to know as much as they should about this important issue. On the other hand, the production does manage to partially defeat its own purpose. I was left wondering how the United States and Russia would make themselves safer from terrorists with low-yield nukes simply by abandoning their missile stockpiles. Still, overall this is a well-intentioned picture full of good information. Mildly amusing

Review – Blood in the Face

American Nazis reach the height of their entertainment value when they're being run off a bridge. But if you feel the need to dig deeper into this hideous subculture, this documentary will give you at least a taste. The production is a good mix of interviews and archive footage. It also has a nice companion book. On the other hand, the subject at hand is downright ugly. Mildly amusing

Review – Leprechaun 5: In the Hood

Let’s take black people and Irish people – two of the most blatant sets of social injustice victims in the English-speaking world – and pit them against each other. It turns out to be yet another stupid-beyond-description Leprechaun movie. Dreadful acting. Dreadful script (“Jesus loves me, this I know / If he don’t I’ll find a ho”). Dreadful directing. Dreadful everything. But honestly, the fault is mine for watching it. I’ve seen enough Leprechaun movies to know what’s in store for anyone dumb enough to click the “play” button on one. Wish I’d skipped it

Abandoned – The Skeleton Key 2: 667 Neighbor of the Beast

You really ought to have to pass an IQ test before you can buy a camcorder. Five minutes

Review – Savage Harvest

Part of me really wants to get behind any production shot so far away from Hollywood that the actors actually look like real human beings. But I still need the movie to meet me at least part of the way. The folks who made this might have been onto something when they set the source of evil up as the demonic spirit of an American Indian shaman who at one time had been dumb enough to urge his people to trust the white man. But the production values are so low and the story so dull that the small good parts don't stand a chance. See if desperate

Review – Dreamaniac

How handy that the end of the first word in the title and the start of the second word just happened to be the same letter. Unfortunately, the movie itself turns out to be a crapile. A rocker summons a succubus who makes him popular with the ladies in exchange for the chance to waste 90 minutes of your life. Eighties-era moronicrud ensues. See if desperate

Review – Dark Side of the Moon

If you’re gonna “borrow,” borrow big. This tale of astronauts stranded with an evil presence aboard their ship shows shades of Alien, Lifeforce, The Omen and several other sources before it’s done. Too bad they didn’t “borrow” a little more money to add some production values. That way they might at least have produced a slick failure instead of a plain old failure. See if desperate

Review – Vampyres

This movie was also released as Daughters of Dracula, though the anti heroines don't appear to be directly descended from the legendary count. Actually, I hope they aren't both the children of any one parent, because that would make them sisters who spend an astounding amount of time in bed together. Indeed, other than sucking blood, getting naked with each other is all this pair ever does. Needless to say, this is a vampire plot excuse for a softcore porn movie. Some of the victims meet unusually brutal ends, but that's simply in keeping with the awkward feel of the entire production, particularly the wrestling-match sex. See if desperate

Review – Maid in Manhattan

Cinderella gets John Hughes'd and Jennifer Lopez-ized, with predictable results. A hotel maid (Lopez) who temporarily tries on a wealthy guest's clothes finds herself dating an eligible politician (Ralph Fiennes). Though this production is a bit more honest than most romantic comedies about the state of race and class distinctions in 21st century America, it's still intolerably stupid stuff. See if desperate

Review – Kangaroo Jack

I have no excuse. I can't even say I wasn't warned. A couple of low-level mob bunglers get sent to Australia on an errand. Little do they know that the money they're carrying is to pay an Aussie hit man to kill them (as if that can't be done by local talent out in the Pine Barrens). So it's just their dumb - ever so dumb - luck that they run afoul of the urban legend about the tourists who lose a valuable jacket (in this case with the hit money in one pocket) to a "roadkill" kangaroo that recovers from being stunned and hops off with the garment. Hilarity fails to ensue. See if desperate

Review – Grave of the Vampire

When I was six years old I saw this in a double feature with Garden of the Dead, another schlocky horror movie from director John Hayes. At that time I found it quite impressive. Nearly four decades later, less so. A young couple making out in a cemetery run afoul of a recently-emerged vampire who slaughters the boy and rapes the girl. Nine months later she gives birth to a baby that has to be nursed with blood. Sadly for vampire dad, the lad grows up to seek revenge for mom's ill treatment. The prison camp zombies were a better story (not to mention shorter). See if desperate

Review – Exit Through the Gift Shop

Amateur filmmaker Thierry Guetta sets out to shoot a documentary about Bansky, a legendary graffiti artist. Instead, Guetta himself gets sucked into the world of illegal street art and takes up the medium himself under the name Mr. Brainwash. Footage of his new career paints an interesting picture of the relationship between unmarketable “vandalism” and the high-dollar market for “outsider” art. Mildly amusing

Review – Objectified

One of the complaints I sometimes get about the Advertising class I teach is that the more you know about advertising the harder it is to watch television. You start to analyze ads rather than merely ignoring them. Well, this movie does the same thing only with consumer products of all kinds. Most of us don’t devote a lot of thought to why our toasters, cell phones and other everyday items happen to look the way they do. The industrial designers interviewed for this documentary devote their entire lives to such things. Funny what you don’t think about. In general I found this fascinating, though after awhile it did start to look a little like a promo piece for the consulting firm several of the interviewees worked for. Mildly amusing

Review – The Towering Inferno

One sees such sights and what can one say but “Irwin Allen.” This time around it’s a giant building burning down rather than a giant cruise ship flipping over. Otherwise the stories are fairly interchangeable. The disaster begins with some oily rags catching fire in a closet (see everyone, at least in Allen World your mom was right about not storing those there), and by the time it’s done a significant chunk of the ensemble cast have been burned, suffocated, squished or drowned (and yeah, that last one took some doing). This is one of those movies that are ideal if you’re in the mood to heckle something. If nothing else, you ought to be able to make a few jokes at O.J. Simpson’s expense. Mildly amusing

Review – American Experience: My Lai

After an hour and a half, I didn’t feel like I knew a lot more about the My Lai massacre than I did going in (though if you don’t know anything about it at all you will learn quite a bit before it’s through). For me the interesting part was seeing some of the participants – direct and indirect – talk about one of the less proud moments in the Army’s history. Mildly amusing

Review – Centurion

Here we have one of those movies that depends heavily on car chases, gunfights and explosions. But setting it in second century Roman Britain has deprived the filmmakers of the primary tools of their crap-slinging trade. The story of the mysterious disappearance of the Ninth Legion is transformed into a guys-on-the-lam-pursued-by-vicious-gang-members piece to no particular good effect. See if desperate

Review – Every Little Step

If I cared a little more about stage musicals or at least hadn’t already seen a couple of behind-the-scenes documentaries about Broadway productions, I might have liked this a bit more than I did. Some of the background material about the genesis of A Chorus Line was reasonably interesting stuff. On the other hand, the endless footage of casting calls and callbacks and happy singers and sad singers and … well, it wasn’t exactly unfamiliar territory. Mildly amusing

Review – The Bible According to Hollywood

Though this isn’t exactly the slickest documentary I’ve ever seen, it does a better job than expected at tackling the topic suggested by the title. Talking about religion is difficult, and throwing Hollywood into the mix makes it even harder. But the filmmakers walk a reasonable line between witless film historian praise and Bible-thumping moral condemnation. Sure, they miss some things here and there. Overall, however, this is a good introduction to the movie industry’s treatment of subjects from the Old and New Testaments. Mildly amusing

Review – Dorian Gray

The classic Oscar Wilde tale once again gets dragged down from the shelf, dusted off and shot. Though the 21st century allows for a somewhat more explicit (though not particularly gory or pornographic) telling of the tale, it’s still fairly familiar territory. Mildly amusing

Review – Munchausen

Anyone striving to disprove the stereotype that Germans have no sense of humor should do everything in their power to prevent this movie from being shown. Back in 1943 Nazi propaganda minister Josef Goebbels decided that UFA needed to produce something big to commemorate the studio’s 25th anniversary. He also wanted to prove that Germany could create a spectacular fantasy feature to compete with Hollywood productions such as The Wizard of Oz. Not even close. The story starts out with an awkwardly-grafted contemporary bracket before plunging into the tale of Baron Munchausen (and no, there isn’t a trace of irony to be found in this Nazi-spawned picture about a compulsively lying aristocrat). Most of the screen time is devoted to humor that’s at best “quirky” and more often downright bizarre. Quick example: one of the characters is attacked by a rabid dog that tears his coat. Back at home, he puts the coat in a wardrobe with other garments. They all get rabies, break out of the wardrobe and float around the room until he shoots them. Even the picture’s marketing angle is peculiar. The most obvious audience for fantasy of this caliber is kids, but some elements – boring bracket, gratuitous nudity – suggest that it was made with adults in mind. Perhaps the regime just assumed that any people dumb enough to buy Nazism would be dumb enough to be entertained by this. See if desperate

Review – Curse of the Crimson Altar

Once again the English serve up a dull bit of skullduggery about a man searching for his missing brother who disappeared from a creaky old mansion haunted by the spirits of dead devil cult members. The production is one of those low-end-of-medium-budget efforts in which it’s hard to tell if we’re supposed to be able to see the obvious secret doors or if the set builders just weren’t skillful enough to hide the seams. Also released as The Crimson Cult. See if desperate