Review – Little Miss Sunshine

This is one of those productions that starts with potential but swiftly falls victim to its own quirkiness. It makes some good – if somewhat slacker-ific – points about the pointlessness of ego and ambition. And there’s some amusing stuff here, particularly the end. I just wish it had played out a little less like a hipster reheat of National Lampoon’s Vacation. Mildly amusing

Review – Firewall

Here’s a challenge: watch the timer on the front of your DVD player, and jot down the exact point at which you stop caring about whether Harrison Ford will ever find a way to foil the plot of the wily bank robbers who kidnap his family and force him to compromise his employer’s computer security system. For me, this moment came when Ford kills one of the evil sidekicks; somehow the death transformed the show from a vaguely interesting battle of wits into the parade of violence it would ultimately turn out to be. This would make an interesting double feature with Spike Lee’s Inside Man, as the contrast between the two demonstrates the difference between plots that flow and plots that merely move from one peril to the next. See if desperate

Review – Atomic Journeys

If only the DVD had featured an option for turning off the soundtrack music. This production features a ton of fascinating footage, some recently declassified and here presented to the public for the first time. Unfortunately, it’s framed in an inept documentary about “peaceful” atomic testing in the 50s and 60s. Interviewees dwell on the excuses for the testing (ranging from digging canals to tapping natural gas pockets), giving the production the feel of a movie made about an empty room that constantly shows every corner but the one with the white elephant in it. Overall this might have been a much better movie if it had just stuck with the Atomic Café mix of archival footage and period music only. Almost everything else here is an annoying distraction (as borne out by the special features, where some of the original stuff can be viewed without interruption or hysterically over-dramatized score). Mildly amusing

Review – The Black Dahlia

I’m willing to bet that James Ellroy really liked this production of his novel about the famous Hollywood murder. On the other hand, I thought it was episodic and largely uninteresting. The slaying of Elizabeth Smart is only peripherally part of the plot, the bulk of the screen time going instead to the usual Ellroy parade of tough guy cops with deep personal problems. The result is a much duller movie than might have been made about such a sensational crime. Mildly amusing

Review – Cars

Disney / Pixar strikes again. This time our animated characters are all motor vehicles of some kind. Despite the limitations inherent in characters who have no hands, the story (celebrity race car stranded in the sticks gets a long lesson in the simple pleasures of life) functions fairly well. It was also nice to see one of these celebrity voice parades with nobody especially annoying in the cast (the absence of Robin Williams was a real plus). Though the production doesn’t feature anything especially original or interesting, at least it manages not to grate the nerves too badly. Mildly amusing

Review – The Lake House

I would absolutely have loved to have been in the meeting when they gave the green light to this one. “So let me get this straight. A man and a woman live in the same house, only they’re doing it two years apart. And they communicate by passing each other notes in the mailbox, which serves as some kind of conduit between the separate time frames. Yeah, that sounds like something the studio ought to spend Sandra-Bullock-and-Keanu-Reeves money on.” Oddly enough, it turns out just as stupid as it must have sounded like it was going to. See if desperate

Review – American Dreamz

What a strange little movie. I’m not sure there’s much inherent entertainment value in satirizing “American Idol,” as the show sort of automatically mocks itself. And when that’s all the picture does, it’s predictably dull. However, every once in awhile something quirky enters the fray, such as the President of the United States (clearly based on George W. Bush) getting it into his head that he actually wants to start reading newspapers. Thus while one shouldn’t expect much from the sitcom story line, viewing is nonetheless rewarded by occasional moments of genuine humor. Mildly amusing

Review – My Super Ex-Girlfriend

This one’s pure formula. The production does almost nothing besides answering the sitcom question “What if a guy broke up with a clingy girlfriend only to discover that she was actually a super hero?” Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson play the ill-fated couple, with Eddie Izzard lending support as the heroine’s jilted-ex-boyfriend-turned-evil-genius. The movie manages a couple of entertaining sight gags, but beyond that it’s mediocre fare. Mildly amusing

Review - Faust

 Jan Svankmajer strikes again, this time taking on a tale tailor-made for his bizarre blend of live-action and animation. The story loosely follows the Faust legend, dipping in and out of the bracketing plot of a guy lured in off the street and made the main character in a dramatic production of the tale. For the most part this is the same “Sprockets”-worthy film-making we’ve come to expect from the source. However, for my money I would have liked a lot more stop motion and a lot less marionette action. While Svankmajer’s animation is frequently quite good, the rest of it is run-of-the-mill European art movie stock. Mildly amusing

Review – The Road to Guantanamo

This docu-drama has an important point, but it does a weak job of making it. The American public should be outraged that our military and intelligence communities torture detainees. But the sense of anger I got here was actually less “torture is cruel” and more “why are they wasting tax dollars with torture this stupid on guys who have so little useful information to offer?” Furthermore, the victims themselves leave something to be desired in the martyr department. The torment they suffer seems pretty low key compared to what the American and British governments have proven themselves capable of dishing out in the past. And nagging constantly at the back of my mind was a serious question about how these innocent Pakistanis managed to get caught up in the war in Afghanistan. Their explanation seems weak. Now, having a weak explanation for your whereabouts shouldn’t subject you to years of illegal detention. But when the audience’s eyebrows raise in response to part of your story, it doesn’t help your case. Mildly amusing

Review – Ghostbusters

Upon re-viewing lo these many years later, I’m surprised at just how terrible this movie is. It was quite a cultural phenomenon when it first came out, spawning a sequel, at least two cartoon series, and no end of ancillary merchandise. With the benefit of hindsight, however, this honestly isn’t much better than its considerably less popular sequel. The acting, script and special effects all barely rise above amateur levels. It honestly makes me wonder how much of this movie’s popularity was directly due to the constant airplay the theme song got at the time. Literally everyone here (particularly the cast) has done better work elsewhere. See if desperate

Review – Voodoo Moon

Oh, joy. Another Constantine “homage.” See if desperate

Review – Alexander Nevsky

This is a must-see for any student of propaganda film-making (not to mention anyone studying cinema as a graphic art). Though I suppose Potemkin is a more important work from a film history standpoint, I think this one is more entertaining. In context, the glaring (Nevsky as Stalin, the swastikas on the evil bishop’s miter) and subtle (merchants paying to appease the Teutons even as Stalin himself was working a treaty with Hitler) aspects of art in a dictatorship add a whole new dimension to the viewing experience. It also reverberates into history, not only exposing Stalin’s self-image but also giving Germany a strong hint about what was waiting for its troops four years later at Stalingrad. One can also appreciate the impact it had on subsequent productions, ranging from Conan the Barbarian to The Empire Strikes Back. And of course it can just be enjoyed as an entertaining movie (a little rough around some of the edges, but still quite watchable). The disc itself doesn’t come with any special features (indeed, it doesn’t even have a main menu), but it’s still worth it. Buy the disc

Review – Desperation

Stephen King takes to the pulpit and preaches long and hard. Honestly, there’s more sermonizing in this dumb little horror movie than the fundies build into the Left Behind productions. And what makes that troubling is that this is just that: a dumb little horror movie. Usually the closest such productions ever come to legitimate questions of faith is whether or not a crucifix will ward off a vampire. There are a couple of good, old-fashioned King-style thrills (or at least a reasonable made-for-TV facsimile thereof), but for the most part this is a parade of numbskull theology and animal cruelty. Lots and lots of animal cruelty (without which this might have gotten a slightly better score). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – World Trade Center

Throughout much of this production I kept waiting for Oliver Stone to drop the other shoe. I mean, this guy spent decades writing and directing movies that – if not exactly counter-culture – at least questioned the prevailing beliefs upon which American society constructs itself. I wasn’t exactly looking for a JFK-style conspiracy rant. But I also wasn’t expecting this sort of a straightforward “OK USA” production either. The tale of two Port Authority cops rescued from the rubble is a compelling story in an overblown After-School Special sort of way. I’m just surprised Stone turned out to be the storyteller. Mildly amusing

Review – Miami Vice

I would honestly never have thought a movie could be produced that would make the TV series look good. Compared to Colin Ferrel, Don Johnson had talent. Compared to Jamie Foxx, Phillip Michael Thomas had personality. This movie is almost literally nothing but a long series of macho-posturing drug deals punctuated by occasional sex scenes and gun battles. The non-existent plot and cardboard characters might have been tolerable if not for the complete absence of style. The TV show was a key part of the look and feel of the 1980s, for better or worse. This production does such a terrible job following trends – let alone setting them – that most likely it will be forgotten entirely in fairly short order. At least if the cast and crew are lucky. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Hard Candy

Though the premise – female victim turns the tables on male victimizer – isn’t exactly novel, this production has some things going for it. The man is a child molester, and his table-turner is a very determined 14-year-old who sets him up from the beginning. The show has a couple of shortcomings. The last third of the movie (up to but not including the ending) is largely superfluous, adding conniptions and complications that don’t really advance the plot at all. And the dialogue is rife with the sort of empty-headed sarcasm that “witty” Gen-X screenwriters often employ in the place of genuine emotional exchange. That aside, however, this was a reasonably well put-together bit of anti-slasher medicine. Mildly amusing

Review – Satan’s Playground

Writer / director Dante Tomaselli must have watched Evil Dead and Texas Chainsaw Massacre hundreds of times but never seen another movie of any kind. Even that might have been okay, but he appears to have learned nothing from his favorites beyond how to ape their less effective elements. The plot plays out like something an eight-year-old child would make up, with family stuck in the woods wandering off one by one to fall victim to this stock horror or that. I rented this almost exclusively because the box promised me the Jersey Devil, a monster that kills a couple of people without appearing in the movie as anything beyond annoying POV shots. I still firmly believe that somewhere out in the Pine Barrens lurks a really good horror movie. However, it’ll have to just keep lurking at least a little longer. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Imprint

Takashi Miike helms this “too scandalous for cable” episode from the “Masters of Horror” series. I guess I can see why Showtime would be loath to show this production. This it some of those shows that seems to exist only to move slowly from depravity to depravity, graphically depicting torture, sexual abuse, and a laundry list of other terrible stuff. The sadistic violence is made only mildly more stylish by the 19th century Japanese setting. Symptomatic of the disease here is the casting of Billy Drago in the male lead, a decision clearly based on his creepy looks rather than his acting talent. Overall, at least it was relatively short. See if desperate

Review – Slayer

Only after a friend and I started watching this did we realize that it was so terrible that, after it ran on the SciFi Channel, a clip ended up on The Soup. And with good reason. Casper Van Dien (is this guy in everything now?) stars as the captain of a commando squad that journeys to the jungles of South America to take on a rising tide of vampires. In more skillful hands this might have at least seemed like a message piece about U.S. foreign policy. But with basic cable shlockmeister Kevin VanHook at the helm, this is pretty much nothing but an excuse for commando vs. vampire kung fu matches. Snore. See if desperate

Review – Rest Stop

The youngsters leave home, bound for Hollywood. They stop along the way to have body double sex. Does it come as any surprise, then, when they pause at an isolated rest stop only to fall victim to a country bumpkin psycho in a beat-up yellow Ford pickup? This show features brief passages of what might pass for imaginative gore. But beyond that it’s our beleaguered heroine hiding out in the rest stop ladies’ room and conversing with characters that pop in and out like the dramatis personae from a bad one-act written by an especially talentless theatre major. See if desperate

Review – The Ringer

Go out and rent a movie starring Johnny Knoxville as a kind-hearted slob who gets conned into pretending that he’s mentally-differently-abled so he can help his gambler uncle rig the Special Olympics, and you get pretty much exactly what you pay for. This is around half brain-dead comedy and half gooey message piece about the perils of under-estimating those de-valued by society. It goes without saying that this isn’t an enduring example of the finest the cinema arts have to offer, but it manages to offend less than I thought it would. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween Night

The box sells this as a “true story” rework of John Carpenter’s classic (though of course without making claims that would lead to copyright infringement suits). It’s Halloween. A lunatic escapes from an asylum. He returns to the house where he used to live. It’s full of young people partying and having sex. He kills most of them. There the similarity ends. The production values are limited; the “high points” are mostly gore and softcore. And the script and acting are so terrible that at times it almost seems like they’re shooting for a semi-documentary feel. Overall this turns out to be exactly what one would expect from a movie that starts out with a brutal rape scene. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Superman Returns

I was pleasantly surprised to find this production a worthy follow-up to the first two Christopher Reeve Superman movies (and of the others, perhaps the less said the better). Unlike Batman Begins, this is at least a half-hearted attempt to follow straight on from earlier movies. The plot begins with Superman’s return from a quest to find Krypton’s remains. At the same time, Lex Luthor is out of prison and back to his old habits. And from there of course it’s business as usual. Many of my criticisms of Superman and Superman 2 apply here as well, particularly regarding the plot problems inherent in the protagonist. But perhaps my harsh opinions have mellowed a little over the years. Overall I found this an entertaining if somewhat mindless show. Mildly amusing

Review – Left in Darkness

I’ve said it before, and unless God is merciful to me I’ll probably have to say it again, but here it is anyway: I don’t want theology lessons from 20-something filmmakers. This particular lecture starts out with a woman celebrating her 21st birthday by getting drugged and gang-raped at a fraternity party. She dies from an overdose of the date rape drug the frat boys give her. At this point the production strongly suggests the influence of the haunted houses that right-wing churches put on for Halloween in which sinners die and are dragged off straight to eternal damnation. But instead of hell, our heroine ends up trapped in a netherworld version of the frat house. She’s chased by zombie-like “sin eaters” as her guardian angel (or is he?) explains the ever-more-elaborate rules of the afterlife. The notion that the first couple of hours after a person’s death are devoted to trying to decode some kind of a lame puzzle is about as dramatically intriguing as it is spiritually comforting. See if desperate

Review – Pulse (2006)

Wow, an American remake that’s even more boring than the Japanese original. The plot’s essentially the same (ghosts use computers to enter our world and suck the will to live out of supporting cast and audience alike). The effects are a little better, but in exchange the characters aren’t as interesting. This outing also introduces some new logic problems; for example, why can the evil spirits travel WiFi and cell, but not satellite signals? Overall, then, this remake doesn’t serve much of a purpose. See if desperate

Review – Winsor McCay: The Master Edition

At last all of McCay’s animation has been gathered onto one disc. It’s amazing just how well this early, experimental stuff stacks up against more sophisticated work done by his successors. Naturally, part of the quality is due to McCay’s genius with line drawing. But another big part of the appeal is his obsessive attention to detail. One never gets the impression in any of these animations that the artist is cutting corners in order to make the production cheaper or churn it out faster. It at least some of the work the artist himself draws every frame without using cels. The result is uniformly beautiful, though time has taken its toll on some of the existing prints used to create this disc. The story lines are also unsophisticated by 21st century standards, sometimes choppy due to missing footage or experiments with techniques that don’t work. And in other places we’re treated to humor that would likely have seemed funnier to audiences a hundred years ago. But overall the work is timelessly charming, unsophisticated yet brilliant, and a must-see not just for film historians but for anyone who likes a good cartoon. Buy the disc

Review – Reds

This is one of the few times I’ve ever seen a director take five hours of screen time and actually do something with it. Warren Beatty casts himself as Jack Reed, the semi-legendary author of Ten Days that Shook the World. The main focus of the story seems to be the turbulent relationship between Reed and Louise Bryant (Diane Keaton). But far more interesting than the couple’s squabbles and sexual escapades are the background stories: the radical left’s opposition to U.S. entry into World War One, art and theatre on the east coast, and particularly the Russian Revolution. Even the casting reflects the pre-eminence of the background, with Jack Nicholson playing Bryant’s sometime-lover Eugene O’Neil and Maureen Stapleton garnering an Oscar for her performance as Emma Goldman. The overall point of the picture appears to be a lament about how much happier the protagonists might have been as a traditional married couple rather than players in the great political dramas of the second decade of the 20th century. But thank goodness for the audience they made the choices they did, however badly it worked out for them. Worth seeing

Review – The Desert Fox: The Story of Rommel

James Mason does a great job as the legendary German general. As a child I was obsessed with the African campaign, and I confess enough of that fascination lingers to my adulthood to make me wish they’d spent more time on that high point in Rommel’s career. Instead the focus here is primarily on the general’s connection to the plot to assassinate Hitler in 1944. Still, the story is exciting enough. Mildly amusing

Review – The Polar Express

What a creepy movie. The look and feel of this picture are very much in keeping with the oddly disconcerting style of Chris van Allsburg, the author / artist of the book that inspired this production. As a shorter show this might have worked quite well. But in order to sustain a considerably longer running time, the story breaks up into a parade of episodic twists and turns that become tedious after awhile. The movie also relies to far too great a degree on the “lookey what we can do with our fancy computer animation” factor. The technical quality is good, but effects alone just don’t sustain a movie this long and plot-free. I also didn’t applaud the decision to have Tom Hanks voice all the male adult characters It’s not the worst Christmas show I’ve ever seen, but it wasn’t as good as I hoped. Mildly amusing

Review – Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD

Marvel Comics seems to take its products in one of two different cinematic directions: high quality film-making and made-for-TV crap. What does David Hasselhoff’s presence in the lead suggest about which direction they chose here? And that really broke my heart. I was a big fan of Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos when I was a kid, and I remember liking his espionage reincarnation as well. A lot of what was appealing about the comics was their comic-ness, so I’m not sure a better movie could have been made out of them. But then, I would have thought the same thing about Spider-man. And in any event, I would have liked for them to have at least tried. See if desperate

Review – Wordplay

This is the third documentary I’ve seen recently about people obsessed with words. The key difference between this tale of a national crossword contest and the first two (targeting Scrabble and spelling bee folk) is that the subjects are portrayed as relatively normal people rather than monomaniacal nuts. Film-making techniques (particularly editing) might have had something to do with it. But another big factor seems to be the nature of crosswords themselves. Unlike board games and spelling contests, puzzles aren’t inherently competitive. The troubles adapting crosswords to a contest environment shows up in several points (particularly the ending). The overall impression is that the people who obsess over crosswords are a good deal different than their counterparts in other word game realms. The change is refreshing; this was a much more pleasant picture to watch than the other two. Mildly amusing

Review – An Inconvenient Truth

What a disappointment. The hype made this sound like a ground-breaking documentary about global warming. What we get instead is a 90-minute-long lecture from former Vice President Al Gore about the morality of carbon emissions. What he says is right. It’s how he says it that’s the problem. He’s got a lot of fancy graphics, but Gore’s delivery is still like watching paint dry. As a teacher, he’s the kind of professor who appeals only to a small sect of particularly obsessive grad students. I was also put off by the references to the 2000 election. If Gore’s doing some early stumping for 2008, he would have gotten a lot farther with this voter by dwelling less on the Florida ballot irregularities and saying a lot more (presuming there’s more to be said) about his pro-environment accomplishments during the prior eight years. Indeed, the whole thing was very long on problem identification and very short on solutions. “Shoot your car” simply seems inadequate. Mildly amusing

Review – Why We Fight (2006)

This documentary gets off to a good start: a title borrowed from the classic Capra propaganda series and opening footage of an important speech from outgoing President Eisenhower. This of course introduces the theme of the production: the rise of the “military industrial complex” in the second half of the 20th century. The bulk of the movie is reasonably well put together. It’s a little short on detail, but that’s likely because the filmmakers apparently feel the need to prove their basic thesis over and over. Still, I can’t really fault them for their approach. I wish we didn’t live in a world where the close relationship between war and profit required exposure, but I suspect that many members of the viewing public do in fact require this thorough explanation, however basic it might be. Mildly amusing

Review – The Libertine

Much fuss has been made over the years about Hollywood’s corrupting influence on America’s youth. In response, Tinseltown would be well advised to use this particular production as its first line of defense. Kids should be forced to watch this movie, the argument would go, because it will convince them that sex is so deadly dull that nobody in his or her right mind would ever want to try it. Johnny Depp stars as a thoroughly debauched English lord who develops an obsessive interest in an actress. However, my favorite cast member has to be John Malkovich. As the King of England he delivers his lines in such a high-speed mumble that it’s often unclear whether or not he’s even speaking English. I thought about turning the subtitles on, but then I didn’t get the impression that the story would be all that much more interesting if the dialogue had been intelligible. See if desperate

Review – Just Married

Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy star in this romantic comedy about a young couple whose European honeymoon reveals that they don’t have all that much in common. He’s a sports-obsessed mook, and she’s an educated but spoiled rich kid. Hilarity ensues. Or to be more precise, hilarity occasionally occurs in isolated spots devoted to simple gags and physical comedy. The rest of the picture – particularly the long, drawn-out wrangling over relationship woes – is more than a little dull. The show also wears out a good chunk of welcome early on when he accidentally kills her dog and then lies to her about it. See if desperate

Review – Night of the Dead

Gore just isn’t enough anymore, assuming that it was ever self-sufficient to begin with. This picture is further proof, as if any were really necessary. There’s a plot in here someplace, but honestly the story and characters aren’t much more than an excuse to keep the cherry Kool-ade flowing and provide an excuse for an occasional boob shot. The mad-scientist-bringing-the-dead-back-to-life-with-a-serum-that-produces-disasterous-results must have been what prompted all the DVD box references to Re-Animator. Otherwise all the two productions have in common is a devotion to cheap thrills (even cheaper here than in the earlier “classic” of exploitation horror). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Benchwarmers

More than once while watching this movie I had to ask myself if I was really seeing a picture about three grown men vindicating the rights of nerds everywhere by playing baseball against little league teams. Despite my disbelief, that’s exactly what this turned out to be. Just about everyone here has done better work elsewhere. I was particularly disappointed in David Spade, who can usually be counted upon to supply a few good lines even in the worst of productions. I’ve seen some bad baseball movies in my time, but this one sets a new standard. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Sophie Scholl

This production serves as a poignant and important reminder that Germany wasn’t a single-minded, monolithic thing in World War Two, that many Germans resisted the Nazis and some paid a terrible price for doing so. In 1943 Sophie Scholl, her brother and a friend were executed for the high crime of distributing leaflets criticizing the government. The movie takes us through the “crime” itself, the interrogation, the trial, and (briefly at the end) the execution. The tale is touching, particularly in the simplicity of the characters. Sophie and her companions aren’t superhero resistance fighters. They’re just college students engaged in what a sane society would regard as completely normal behavior. Nor are the Nazis portrayed as demons with syringes full of truth serum and lines like “vee haf vays uff mekking you talk.” Instead the interrogation comes across as a bureaucratic process, almost church-like in the ritual comings and goings of the Gestapo officers. The movie is worth a look, though the special features left something to be desired; the parts I watched were dull, poorly-edited interviews with surviving people with a remote connection to the case. Worth seeing

Review – Click

By all rights, the title should refer to the sound your remote makes right about the time the first act ends. The story – overworked dad (Adam Sandler) receives a magic remote control that allows him to manipulate his life – has some potential. And as long as the picture sticks to the amusing ins and outs of our hero learning to pause, fast-forward, and otherwise manipulate his existence, it works as a simple-minded situation comedy. Unfortunately, that only supplies enough material for the first third or so. Once the gags run out, the show is left without a natural direction. So it meanders into a weepy blend of It’s a Wonderful Life and/or A Christmas Carol, ultimately hovering between maudlin and just plain dull. Overall this is roughly 30 minutes of funny followed by a big-budget Hollywood sermon on the evils of materialism. See if desperate

Review – Atlantis: The Lost Empire

As with Lilo and Stitch, this movie surprised me with the volume of violence present in a production presumably aimed at a juvenile audience. Here the gun battles seem slightly more apt, as this is an adventure yarn vaguely – and only vaguely – suggestive of Verne or Burroughs rather than a cutesy picture strictly for pre-teens. On the other hand, the casualty list runs high before the story plays itself out. The animation is good, at least by American 2-D standards. The casting is notable for its self-conscious multi-ethnicity and a rare appearance by James Garner as a villain. The plot – adventurers set out to find the lost city of you-know-where – is sufficient to keep the show going, though it bogs down if fake mysticism toward the end. Overall this is a craftsmanlike but not especially inspirational outing. Mildly amusing

Review – Terms of Endearment

This is the relationship many women of a certain age secretly think they have with their adult daughters. Our heroine (Debra Winger) has an uneasy relationship with her mother (Shirley MacLaine). We follow the characters through the twists and turns of their lives: the slow degeneration of the daughter’s marriage and the budding romance between the mom and her next-door neighbor, an ex-astronaut (Jack Nicholson). Usually I’d find a story structure as episodic as this off-putting, but here for some reason it worked for me. Some of the dialogue and plot points come across as contrived. But otherwise the only real defect here is the excessive sentimentality, particularly toward the end. Mildly amusing

Review – The Da Vinci Code

This is just about exactly the movie I figured they’d make out of the book. Everything about it is expensive: actors, effects, locations, the whole nine yards. In other words, this is pure Hollywood, crowd-pleasing entertainment. I admit that I thought it was somewhat fun to keep an eye out for the weird little bits of symbolism (or “symbology” if you prefer author Dan Brown’s term) sprinkled throughout the production. Beyond that, however, I repeat the criticism I leveled at the book: the question of Christ’s divinity is of considerable importance to many people. If this is a sincere attempt to sugar-coat the debate and thus interest a non-academic audience, then at least the producers’ hearts are in the right place. But if it’s just the cheap exploitation of controversy in order to increase sales … well, we’ll just have to wait and see how the less-scandalous Angels and Demons does at the box office. Mildly amusing

Review – Monster House

Here’s still more proof that good tech alone won’t make a good picture. The computer animation in this production is solid, occasionally even impressive. The story is about a trio of kids who discover that the house across the street is actually a living creature that eats toys, dogs, slackers, cops, kids, and whatever else it can get its pseudopods on. This premise naturally gives the film-makers plenty of opportunities to do cool visuals that would have been impossible without sophisticated CGI. The producers also kicked in the cash to get some fairly-well-known actors to do the voices. But none of that could overcome the script problems. This is a dumb, mean-spirited movie, and no amount of slick polish can cover up a defect like that. See if desperate

Review – An American Haunting

The Bell Witch legend could have been made into a terrifically spooky movie. And that’s just what this starts out to be. However, by 30 or 40 minutes in, the film-makers have obviously either run out of ideas or they’re trying to do something other than tell a ghost story. I almost wish the former had been the case. This turns out to be like one of those long, complicated tales that ends up being about how the protagonist’s life was changed by Jesus. Though the secret sermon is about something besides Christ (and I can’t say what the lesson is without ruining the surprise), it’s nonetheless unwelcome to find out at the end that you’ve been tricked into watching a message piece. Thus is one of America’s better “true” ghost stories rendered preachy and dull. See if desperate

Review – Slither

I liked this production better than I thought I was going to, but that’s about the nicest thing I have to say about it. The plot is a trite tale of body-snatching aliens, a mish-mash of several older, better horror movies. The dialogue and characters provide at least some sitcom-style entertainment value, and the effects hold up reasonably well. If nothing else, the idea that the monsters spend a bunch of time gobbling rotten meat has some gross-out appeal. However, what little welcome the production manages to build for itself is thrown away early on by the excessive dwelling on pet murder. As usual, that’s an automatic one-star deduction. See if desperate

Review – Strangers with Candy

If only they’d just let Amy Sedaris do her shtick, this would have been a better movie. As it is, the production is an uneven blend of really funny gags stuck into a lame, Comedy-Central-style sitcom. Sedaris plays Jerri, a woman recently paroled after decades behind bars. In order to wake her father from a coma, she resumes her life exactly where she left off: in high school. I’ve never seen the series upon which this movie is based, but I assume this is basically the same story (or at least the same idea). Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to just watch the funny stuff, as it’s sprinkled here and there throughout the picture. Overall it’s worth it, but only because the genuinely humorous parts are quite good indeed. Mildly amusing

Review – Stay Alive

What if people who die in a video game end up dying for real? Wow, nobody’s ever done anything like that before. Sadly, no element of this production is any more original or interesting than its premise. See if desperate

Review – The Goodbye Girl

If you’re a big fan of screen adaptations of romantic comedies from Broadway in the 70s, well, that’s kind of a specific taste to have. But by all means seek this out. Personally, I thought the dialogue was stiff and many of the plot twists so contrived that the whole thing became too artificial to enjoy. Even the premise – that due to some kind of real estate mix-up a single mom has to share her apartment with an obnoxious actor – is silly even by light comedy standards. I derive at least some pleasure from watching bad things happen to Richard Dreyfus, so the experience wasn’t a total loss. Still, this kind of thing really isn’t my cup of tea. See if desperate

Review – Hook

Though Peter Pan wasn’t one of my favorite tales from childhood, Barrie’s story itself has some charm. Add Steven Spielberg and the late-20th-century fascination with the “inner child” to the mix, however, and you get something a lot harder to take. Robin Williams stars as Peter Pan, grown up and become a mergers-and-acquisitions lawyer with neglected kids of his own. Though he’s forgotten Neverland, Neverland hasn’t forgotten him. In particular, Captain Hook is still out for revenge, kidnapping our hero’s children in order to draw him back into a final battle. Dustin Hoffman does an amusing job as Hook, adopting the mannerisms of William F. Buckley to give the character some smarmy creepiness. Aside from little touches like that, however, the movie is an extended sermon on the importance of discarding the trappings of adulthood and openly embracing playfulness and imagination. The message isn’t necessarily without merit, but the execution is so stiff and inept that it’s hard to embrace. Imagine a Terry Gilliam idea produced and directed by the monster studio budget and ego of Spielberg, and you’ve got some idea what you’re in for. See if desperate

Review – The Scarlet Pimpernel

As near as I can tell, this movie’s influence on subsequent productions is seen primarily in only two places: Daffy Duck and Bunny Wigglesworth. Otherwise this is a swashbuckler with almost no action sequences, an exceptionally dull creature to say the least. Further, even the underlying plot is hard to take. One wants to sympathize with efforts to save anyone from imminent death, but the fact that they’re French aristocrats fleeing justice during the French Revolution makes them hard to root for. Indeed, at one point one of the “victims” sagely observes that at least to an extent they’ve got it coming. Nonetheless, Leslie Howard (as the dashing Scarlet Pimpernel and his foppish alter-ego) does his best for them. Hooray. Whatever. See if desperate

Review – United 93

It must have taken some guts to produce this movie. It’s the most un-Hollywood air disaster movie I’ve ever seen. There are no big-name stars; most of the actors appear to have been chosen based on physical resemblance to the real people they portray. But more than that, the whole production is designed to give the viewer a fly-on-the-wall view, relying on the inherent drama of unfolding events rather than traditional movie theatrics. The result is a powerful portrayal of the death of Flight 93 (not to mention the rest of the events of Sept. 11 leading up to the crash). Worth seeing

Review – Grey Gardens

The Maysles brothers made a whole career out of taking cameras where cameras usually didn’t go, but this is one of the weirdest places they ever shot a documentary. Apparently Jaqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onasis had a vaguely dotty aunt and seriously crazy cousin living in a decaying mansion in the Hamptons. As an intimate portrait of the mentally ill, this isn’t the worst production I’ve ever seen (though Titticut Follies was better). However, it’s hard to watch for a couple of reasons. First, the two women seem unhappy. Their house looks comfortable enough (however dilapidated). Their lives are simple and quiet. And yet they’re constantly at each other, their proximity apparently making them even crazier than they might otherwise have been. The second –and more serious – source of discomfort is how swiftly the joke gets old. By midway through the film had become so tedious that it’s downright hard to watch. Overall, then, this is one of the most depressing movies I’ve ever seen. See if desperate

Review – The Wild

I’m sure a Disney-fication of Madagascar was necessary for some reason. Yes, the animation is better. The animals look a lot more realistic. The actors supplying the voices are more up-scale as well. And of course there’s the parent-child death and/or suffering trauma we’ve all come to know and love in productions from the Holy Rodent Empire. Trouble is, it just doesn’t work. While the Dreamworks version was cute in a cartoony sort of way, the realism of the animals in this go-around actually makes them less sympathetic when they behave like dumb cartoon characters. The pacing is almost constantly off, the dialogue is stiff, and the characters’ motivations are often vague. But the real killer is the flatness of the humor. Plot points that were no doubt intended to be clever and quirky instead come across as odd and awkward. Final thought: this isn’t the first movie I’ve disliked despite Eddie Izzard’s presence in the supporting cast, but this is the first time I’ve ever disliked the character Izzard was playing. See if desperate

Review – Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Although I’ve hated almost every previous Wallace and Gromit outing I’ve ever seen, oddly enough I kinda liked this one. It’s still nowhere near as good as Nick Park’s “Creature Comforts” work, but it packs at least a little charm nonetheless. The plot is pure kiddie corn, and even the effective sight gags are more than a little stupid. Still, it’s cute enough to be endearing. It would have been cuter still if the clever little clay rabbits hadn’t been sculpted with pig noses. Mildly amusing

Review – Over the Hedge

Eh, it’s cute. Bruce Willis is one of the few low points in this fuzzy little tale of a raccoon who has to replace a bear’s stash of junk food in less than a week, a task he can apparently only accomplish by duping a heterogeneous group of woodland creatures into helping him. And if you’ve got any experience at all with kids’ movies, you know exactly where the plot goes from there. The interaction between the animals and their new, suburban-sprawl environment provides plenty of physical comedy potential, and some of the supporting characters manage to be entertaining. Of course, any movie that takes a pro-environment, anti-homeowners’-association stance starts out on my good side. Mildly amusing

Review – Shock Treatment

I guess I can see why the studio thought this was going to work. It’s got a lot of the same ingredients of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Of course in hindsight it’s easy to see where it goes wrong, too. There’s nobody in this production who comes anywhere near the talent or screen presence of Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon or even Barry Bostwick. But more than that, the grim truth about the original is that – once all the audience-response cult appeal is stripped away – it isn’t really all that good a movie either. And with that in mind, what could possibly be worse than a cult movie with no cult appeal? Wish I’d skipped it

Review – James Elroy presents Bazaar Bizarre

I’ve long thought that the bizarre crimes of Kansas City serial killer Bob Berdella would make a good movie. Unfortunately, this ain’t it. Instead, this is a half-assed mélange of bad interviews, graphic re-creation of the crimes, and James Elroy opining that Berdella deserved to suffer for his misdeeds (which, however true, isn’t exactly the world’s most profound sentiment). As an extra added bonus, we get long interludes devoted to performances by an awful local band (friends of the producers, perhaps?) singing songs of no apparent direct relevance (except for the final song, which is actually about Bob). The re-enactments are sufficiently disgusting to provide a little shock value, but beyond that the most entertainment I got out of the whole thing was counting the fact errors in the Netflix description (three serious ones in a single paragraph). See if desperate

Review – How I Got into College

If you’re trying to make your way though every dumb teenage comedy from the 80s, eventually you’re going to have to take a deep breath and plunge into this one. To be fair, the experience isn’t entirely unrewarding. There are a lot of familiar faces drifting in and out, particularly Lara Flynn Boyle as the female lead. Overall, however, the only emotion stirred by this production is a vague resurgence of anxiety over SAT scores. Mildly amusing

Review – The Notorious Bettie Page

Anyone who’s ever seen Bettie Page’s old stills and shorts already knows that her work is tame to the point of boring, particularly compared to 21st century porn. However, it was disappointing to learn that the behind-the-scenes story wasn’t much more interesting than the photos themselves. Gretchen Mol does a solid job in the title role. The production is full of art house conceits (such as switching back and forth between black and white and color depending largely on location). Overall this is a so-so production, far from the worst movie I’ve ever seen on the subject of sex, but also not exactly the best. Mildly amusing

Review – A Place in the Sun

As I’m too lazy to read Dreiser’s novel, I expect this second movie version will probably have to do me. Montgomery Clift does a somewhat uninspiring job as George Eastman, a man stuck between the woman he loves (Elizabeth Taylor) and the woman he’s impregnated (Shelly Winters). Clift plays Eastman as a man overwhelmed by his own circumstances. That’s understandable when he’s trying to live the beautiful life with his true love while covering up his dreary little secret. Trouble is, the character seems befuddled right from the outset. It’s hard to share the character’s moral anguish when deciding whether or not to kill his ex-girlfriend, because he seems like he’d have the same sort of trouble trying to pick between paper and plastic. Clift aside, the supporting cast does a good job working with a good script. The courtroom drama toward the end struck me as unnecessary, but it effectively kept the suspense going. Mildly amusing

Review – When the Levees Broke

It’s Spike Lee versus Hurricane Katrina in this epic documentary produced for HBO. One suspects the combined clout of the director and his sponsor helped lure many of the politicians and other famous people who sit down for interviews. But the strongest interviews tend to be the ordinary people, the folks who have concrete slabs where houses used to be, the son of a woman who drowned after she wouldn’t leave her house, and so many other victims of the storm and its aftermath. Though it’s only half the length of Shoah – and fortunately nowhere near as boring – there’s a similar sense of epic tragedy here. Obviously there’s a time commitment involved in the viewing, but the expenditure is well rewarded. Worth seeing

Review - The Feeding

In the first five minutes a werewolf kills two redneck hunters who are out jack-lighting deer. After that things predictably go straight downhill. Law enforcement is hunting the beast. Unsuspecting college students are out camping in the woods. You can see where this is going without sitting through it until it gets there. The budget is low, which doesn’t make too much difference except where the creature itself is concerned. A movie of this quality can get by with bad acting and a useless script, but if the menacing monster looks like two pancakes with teeth surrounded by a big mat of leftover muppet fur, well, let’s say it sort of kills any chance of a successful suspension of disbelief. Clearly the director is aware of the problem, because almost all of the werewolf’s appearances are shot (or later edited) with thick color and filter work that serves no apparent purpose beyond hiding the weakness of the special effects. Also, jumps in the plot of the copy I saw on pay-per-view left me wondering if the editing was really that bad or if semi-explicit sex scenes were being clipped out. See if desperate

Review – Trilogy of Terror 2

Lysette Anthony stars in all three of the vignettes, which means she enjoys the distinction of being menaced by giant rats, a boy back from the dead, and of course the redux of the ever-popular Zuni Warrior Fetish Doll. I guess I’ve seen worse horror anthology movies, but overall this plays like three episodes of Tales from the Crypt only with fewer boob shots. Mildly amusing

Review – Mr. 3000

The baseball parts of this movie aren’t nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be. If only they hadn’t filled so much of the total screen time with, well, filler. Bernie Mac stars as a power hitter who makes it to 3000 hits and then retires right in the middle of a pennant race, displaying a distinctly Barry-Bonds-ish disregard for anything beyond his own personal success. Then it turns out that the record books are wrong and that he actually retired three hits short of the mark. As the shortfall – plus his abrasive personality – are keeping him out of Cooperstown, back he goes to play for the Brewers once more in hopes of getting the hits he needs. The comeback process humanizes the guy, which makes for a reasonably entertaining baseball flick. If only they hadn’t felt the need to stir in a bunch of boring nonsense with a love interest and then make it a significant part of the movie. If you’re into the cliché-ridden realm of the baseball movie, this is a passable specimen. But keep a finger on the fast forward button, and fire away whenever Angela Bassett shows up. Never have I seen her talent so badly squandered. Mildly amusing

Review – Point of No Return

La Femme Nikita does a little bit of business stateside, and in comes John Badham to re-make it. This one gets the full Hollywood treatment, with B+ stars, big explosions, the whole nine yards. If nothing else, Bridget Fonda strikes me as easier on the eyes than the star of the original. However, American slick and pricey don’t really make for a better movie. The French version had production values good enough that the remake wasn’t overwhelmingly different, and the original was edgy in a way the remake wasn’t. So my advice would be to see them in reverse order so you can save the better for later. Mildly amusing

Review – Dirty War

HBO and the BBC combine to give the “what if” treatment to terrorists blowing up a radioactive “dirty bomb” in the heart of London. The production strongly evokes memories of The Day After only on a slightly smaller scale and with more racial tension. And even more preaching, if such a thing can be imagined. The whole “Sept. 11 could have been a lot worse, and we’re still not ready for it” message gets hammered in over and over again, occasionally even entering directly into the dialogue. Overall this is unlikely to show up on anyone’s ten-best list, but it serves just fine as a bit of disturbing diversion. Mildly amusing

Review – Paper Clips

This starts out as the heart of a good idea: middle school students in a small town in Tennessee attempt to fathom the magnitude of the Holocaust by collecting six million paper clips. But several problems soon arise, ranging from the simple difficulty of coming by six million of anything – let alone paperclips – and ending up with the dilemma of what to do with 25 million of them after an NBC news report sparks international interest in the project. The scheme is well-intentioned, but somewhere something started nagging at me. Maybe it was when they brought Holocaust survivors in to speak at the local Methodist church. Maybe it was when some of the more obsessive personalities involved managed to import a WW2-era cattle car all the way from Germany just to house the clips. In any event, the thing that bugged me was that so much time and effort was being expended to teach about one particular bit of inhumanity. Certainly we face an ever-present danger of forgetting one of history’s biggest lessons about prejudice; Mel Gibson’s continuing career proves that it’s all too easy to ignore the suffering caused by anti-Semitism. But aren’t there other lessons – slavery comes immediately to mind – that might be a bit more immediately relevant to Americans in general and kids in the rural South in particular? Well, maybe one step at a time. Mildly amusing

Review – Seed of Chucky

Too bad I wasn’t responsible for potting this one. As I’ve proven on any number of occasions, I somehow manage to kill just about any seed before it grows into a full-fledged plant. And this one desperately needed to die before it flowered onto the screen. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a Chucky movie, and it’ll be even longer before I watch another one (assuming another one ever gets made). John Waters caught my eye in the preview, and though his role is all too brief, it is a small ray of entertainment in this otherwise-dull parade of recycled deadly doll shtick. This one’s a bit grosser than some of the earlier entries in the series, but otherwise it’s undistinguished. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Interpreter

Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn star in yet another one of those “thrillers” that thrives almost exclusively on its own cleverness. And that’s a skimpy diet here. The premise has potential – evil African leader may be assassinated during UN speech if Secret Service and eavesdropping interpreter can’t foil the plot. Then the interpreter turns out to be more than she seems, and things start to slide downhill from there. This one might actually have kinda worked if not for Penn, who has apparently spent so long playing the mentally-differently-abled that even a straightforward government agent character gets twisted in his hands into a borderline head-case. The plot also turns on a few too many improbables to sustain a really good international political drama. Otherwise this is slick but slightly boring Hollywood fare. Mildly amusing

Review – The Wicker Man (2006)

Lackwit writer/director Neil Labutte somehow manages to combine the worst parts of the original Wicker Man and The Dark Secret of Harvest Home into one royal stinker of a movie. Though I can’t honestly say that this left me longing for the days of the Britt Ekland nekkid pagan booty dance, it did make me wish that the remakers’ money had been better spent. Nicolas Cage plays a cop lured to a strange island of new-age, man-hating cultists who all seem intent on covering up the circumstances surrounding the disappearance of a young girl. Perhaps the protagonist is made deliberately unsympathetic in order to make his ultimate fate a bit more palatable, but smoothing the way for the end doesn’t make the rest of the movie any easier to swallow. Several spots in the production also left me wondering if we won’t ultimately be treated (and I use the term loosely) to a DVD release that includes scenes too explicit for a PG-13 rating. But that in turn made me wonder whom they thought would be in the audience. Aiming for the mid-teen crowd seems like a waste of time with something this dull, so why not spice it up and settle for the R? Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Cry Wolf

I just never get tired of movies about teenagers getting savagely murdered by serial killers. There’s some kind of wrinkle here about an elaborate game of liar’s poker played between privileged kids at an exclusive prep school. But that’s really just the excuse to get the ball rolling. Once the guy with the ski mask and the hunting knife shows up, things proceed according to formula. Mildly amusing

Review – Top Secret!

All these years later I’m still amazed that a movie with so many explicit anal sex jokes could ever get a PG rating. On the other hand, most of the humor here is on an emotional level that cries out for the sixteen-and-under audience. A young Val Kilmer stars as a singer based on – if not directly parodying – Elvis in some of the worst of his movies. The overall plot is very much a creature of the 80s, but fortunately the story isn’t really the point. The gags that form the bulk of the screen time and entertainment value are as timeless as they are corny (though sometimes they do manage to be clever as well). Thus there’s a good time to be had here as long as one doesn’t expect too much. Mildly amusing

Review – Days of Thunder

I hated this one the first time I saw it, only that time it was Navy pilots rather than NASCAR drivers. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Inside Man

Would a typical Hollywood bank robbery thriller be better if Spike Lee directed it? Apparently yes, at least a little. The elaborateness of the robbery scheme is the big draw here; without the hearty supply of novel twists and turns even Lee’s direction wouldn’t have helped much. The picture has a few drawbacks. Jodie Foster is miscast as a creepy “fixer,” a character that could have been removed entirely with some simple re-writing. The movie also goes on for ten minutes or so after its natural conclusion. However, overall this show breathes some fresh life into a drastically overworked genre. Mildly amusing

Review – Robots

In the hit-and-miss world of kid-oriented, computer-generated, feature-length animation, this one’s a miss. They got quite the cast together (Robin Williams was unwelcome, but everyone else is adequate), and the technical quality of the animation’s not bad. But I’m surprised that Fox would go to production with a script this weak. The story is trite and the dialogue pitched straight into the limbo between “goofy enough for kids” and “smart enough for adults,” ultimately succeeding with neither audience. With plenty of good examples to borrow from, this could have been a better picture. See if desperate

Review – V for Vendetta

I assume I’m not the first reviewer to make a joke like this, but … W for Whatever. The look and feel suggest that this probably worked really well as a comic book. But as a movie it’s not quite as good. The dialogue is stiff, as are the characters. The story and the art direction are both okay, but they both also have the faint whiff of being recycled from other productions. For the most part it manages not to offend, but likewise it does little to inspire. Mildly amusing

Review – Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force

Apparently the passing of the Rapture has left our intrepid filmmakers a bit short in the plot department. That surprised me at least a little; my recollection of Revelation was that the story didn’t really get underway until after God removed the faithful from the picture. On the other hand, I guess they’re going to make a lot of these Left Behind movies, so it won’t do for everything to happen at once.  This production featured most of the same annoyances from the first one, ranging from big things like the often-strained interpretation of scripture down to the small details such as the bad guy whose accent left me wondering when moose and squirrel were going to show up. Overall I’m sure this one will float the boats of its intended audience, but there just isn’t that much happening this time around. Maybe in future episodes … See if desperate

Review – Poseidon

And once again over goes the boat. This time it happens even faster than in the original, which for my taste was a big disappointment. I could have used more build-up, a longer chance for the characters to develop and the plot to start to weave itself before the production flips into action movie mode. We don’t even get a solid explanation for the giant wave. Still, I suppose the post-Sept.-11 world is all too ready to accept the sudden occurrence of disaster without reasonable forethought or explanation. And of course once the roller coaster starts sliding downhill it just keeps going constantly until the end of the show. The budget’s big enough to make up for some of the shortcomings here, but even expensive effects can’t completely substitute for basics like script and acting. Mildly amusing

Review – Silent Hill

This production left me wondering what the future might hold for movies that turn video games into cheap vehicles for B-list celebrities and special effects. Personally, I’m looking forward to “Space Invaders: The Motion Picture” (I imagine Jack Black spending an hour and a half marching back and forth on the screen waving his arms up and down and making “meep meep meep” noises). For the picture at hand, however, the show is about as much fun as watching someone play the video game. Plot, character, even dialogue are fairly minimal in this game-to-movie horror flick given over almost entirely to art direction. Even a production that’s all about the visuals can turn out okay if the visuals are good. This one has one or two moments, but for the most part even the shocks are dull and derivative. See if desperate

Review – The Parallax View

How can a movie about assassinations, conspiracies, brainwashing and all kinds of other creepy-cool stuff possibly be so boring? Director Alan J. Pakula proves himself the master of shots that go on and on well beyond necessity or even interest. Much of the dialogue is mumbled. The story never really seems to go much of anywhere. There’s a moment or two here. The assassination at the beginning is startling, even though we all know it’s going to happen. The weird brainwashing sequence in the middle is sort of interesting (though even here it goes on too long). But overall the whole thing has a strong whiff of an Altman-esque rip of The Manchurian Candidate. I’ve said it before about movies like this: I’d rather just watch the original again. If you can’t top the classic, don’t take it on. Mildly amusing

Review – Spellbound (2002)

How sad the lives of spelling bee geeks. This is yet another entry in the recent trend of documentaries about the somewhat odd personalities who attach themselves to competitive brain games (Scrabble, crosswords, spelling and the like). It’s interesting. There just isn’t all that much to it. Find a nest of dysfunctional folks and point a video camera at them. Throw in some annoying harmonica music, add titles and call it done. Mildly amusing

Review – The Golem (1914)

Here’s an odd horror movie from the silent era in Germany. To be sure, in many ways this picture is inaccessible to modern audiences. Along with all the usual problems of silent movies, in this effort the cards are few and far between. As a result, some of the action is hard to follow. The situation isn’t helped any by the use of unfamiliar dramatic conventions. For example, when the character of Knight Florian is first introduced, 21st century viewers are likely to swiftly conclude that the guy doesn’t exactly fancy the ladies. Yet he almost immediately falls in love with the rabbi’s daughter. And speaking of the rabbi: like The Merchant of Venice, this show has an uneasy relationship with its Jewish characters. On the one hand, the Jewish people of the ghetto are portrayed as the innocent victims of the whims of the local monarch. But on the other hand, the wisest of the rabbis is also a wizard who conjures an evil spirit in order to gain the power to bring the Golem to life. But if one can manage not to be too put off by the off-putting elements, there are some good bits here as well. Movie buffs will recognize the seeds of several better-known projects – “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” and Frankenstein, to name just two – planted on screen for the first time. And above all, the story, sets and acting work well in a silent movie sort of way. Mildly amusing

Review – The Untold Story of Emmett Louis Till

The power of the subject matter alone makes this a worthwhile experience. And the film-makers do a reasonably good job of telling Till’s story in an hour and ten minutes. If the only goal here is to relay the basic facts of the murder, funeral and trial of the murderers, then mission accomplished. However, with just a few more minutes of screen time, the crime might have been put in perspective. A great deal is made at the end of the movie about the possibility of trying some of the co-conspirators who are still alive after all these years. No doubt such justice should be done, but even convictions would be only a small measure of the importance of the murder and its aftermath. White racists ended Emmett Till’s life, but in return he helped hasten the end of their way of life (may we reach that point someday soon). This is mentioned in passing, but much more could have and should have been made of the context of the crime. Mildly amusing

Review – The Protocols of Zion

This could have been a much better movie. I was already familiar with the history of this infamous anti-Semitic hoax, though the historical background part of the production might have been more useful to viewers who didn’t already know it. The director’s personal history was self-indulgent in an NPR sort of way and could easily have been cut. Slightly more interesting – though still pretty predictable – were the standard cast of Holocaust deniers and conspiracy theorists who think the Jewish people who worked in the World Trade Center were secretly warned not to report to work on Sept. 11. Though the counterpoint from a Holocaust survivor and an official from the NYC coroner’s office supplies solid emotional content, I can’t help but feel that by now it should really be beneath the dignity of a responsible film-maker to have to refute racist stupidity. Thus my favorite part of this production was the consideration of the role the Protocols are playing in the current unrest in West Asia. And here far too little is made of the inability of people on both sides of the conflict to draw lines between Jewish people in general and the Israeli government in particular. Overall this isn’t a terrible movie, but some additional shooting and a little re-editing could have made it into something truly worthwhile. Mildly amusing

Review – Basic Instinct 2

I hardly know where to begin. The very idea that Basic Instinct required a sequel. That it was set in London, ensuring that the sex in this movie would inevitably involve the English. And don’t even get me started on Sharon Stone. The only thing I liked about the movie I can’t discuss without ruining the ending. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

This movie freaked me out when I was a kid. Back then it was all the cliché moments: the pods, the dog, the end. Upon this recent re-watching, I think my new favorite parts come mostly in the first half. The gooey boogers stuff is still cute, but I found it more fun to watch the slow, early signs of something not quite right. First it’s just a few people, then many, then the whole society. That’s a much better horror story than a sticky simulacrum of Donald Sutherland. The script and cinematography also include subtle touches that reward careful viewing. Worth seeing

Review – Beyond the Wall of Sleep

If I was planning to make a movie out of one of H.P. Lovecraft’s stories, I’m not sure “Beyond the Wall of Sleep” would top the list. And even if that tale was my target, I’m quite certain this isn’t how I’d tell it. Just for starters, this amateurish, straight-to-video hack job contains more jump cuts than I’ve ever seen in a single production. The terrible acting and even-more-dreadful script provide no distraction from the relentless editing mistakes. In the end the monster at the heart of the drama turns out to be so silly that Lovecraft fans – the only natural audience for something like this – are likely to end up alienated. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Chocolat

A mysterious woman shows up in a small French village and proceeds to introduce excitement to the townfolk’s lives by opening a chocolate shop. On one level at least this plays like a version of Mary Poppins with more sex and fewer English moppets. Even if occasionally heavy-handed, the overall point is valid; if people were a little less uptight, they might enjoy life more. It’s just that in order for the lesson to take two hours a certain amount of repetition is bound to be involved. Further, this is yet another entry in the list of movies that celebrate the beauty and power of the feminine but ultimately measure its worth in part by how effectively it nets women relationships with men. Mildly amusing

Review – The Weather Underground

Aside from the annoying soundtrack music, this is a solid documentary about the white, upper-class end of leftist political violence in America in the late 60s and early 70s. Unfortunately – though perhaps accurately – the frivolous nature of the Weathermen comes out strongly from the early hippie days right on through the petering-out of the movement at the end of the Vietnam War; typical of the naiveté was the decision to avoid bombings that kill people only after some members of the group were killed by one of their own bombs. There are interesting things going on at the periphery of the narrative (particularly the parallel history of the Black Panthers), but the Weathermen themselves just didn’t turn out to be all that interesting. Mildly amusing

Review – The Night Strangler

It worked the first time. Let’s try it again. This is The Night Stalker moved from Nevada to the Pacific Northwest. The killer is a strange twist on the vampire theme, but otherwise all the elements of the original are right here where we left them. The only noteworthy addition is an exploration of the strange underground city beneath the streets of Seattle (a backdrop I still recall from the first time watching this movie on late night TV when I was a kid). Oh, and the supporting cast features some familiar faces, so keep an eye out. Mildly amusing

Review – The Night Stalker

Though the series spawned by this production turned out to be a somewhat uneven set, the original is immense fun. It’s a parade of clichés: the wild-eyed, crusading reporter, the hard-nosed editor, the arrogant bureaucrats, and of course the dark, European vampire. But the old saws are stuck together in ways that make some fresh cuts (or at least fresh by 1973 standards). Darren McGavin stars in one of the two roles that made him famous (the other of course being the dad in A Christmas Story). Muckraker Carl Kolchak bucks the system in order to prove that a string of murders in Las Vegas are the work of something more sinister than a garden-variety serial killer. Some of the scenes are nice and spooky in an early 70s sort of way, something I might like a bit more than I should because in the early 70s I was just the right age to be spooked by stuff like this. Mildly amusing

Review – Fabulous: The Story of Queer Cinema

Though some isolated moments in some of the interviews are entertaining, this production falls well short of providing a useful history of homosexuality in film. The focus is almost exclusively on movies made by queer directors, writers, and/or actors (or at least movies that portray gays and lesbians in a favorable light). However, narrowing the range doesn’t appear to have helped much. The discussion still seems to pick and choose particular films, sometimes giving short shrift to big moments and dwelling on smaller pictures that – however influential on individuals – didn’t exactly mark crucial moments in film history. Further, just about every specimen discussed is described by at least one of the interviewees as the most important queer movie ever made. The result plays like an extended chat session between buffs, not a serious discussion intended to inform or enlighten. Mildly amusing

Review – The Assassination of Richard Nixon

Here’s an oddity: a movie about an assassination attempt that didn’t succeed. In 1974 a ne’er-do-well salesman named Sam Byck tried to kill Richard Nixon by (unsuccessfully) hijacking an airplane and plowing it into the White House. In the wake of September 11, the plot obviously takes on an immediacy it otherwise wouldn’t have had. But beyond that, all we get from this is yet another lone nut obsessed with violence against the rich and powerful. Sean Penn plays Byck (spelled “Bicke” in the movie) as a bizarre combination of Travis Bickle and Rain Man, which fits the story line but generally makes the lead character neither sympathetic nor compelling. Of course the problems here aren’t all Penn’s doing. The production would have been helped considerably by more emphasis on the protagonist’s mental illness, his delusions and his crimes. Instead the stress is mostly on his business and relationship woes. Mildly amusing

Review – The Monster Club

Fans of the old English horror anthology pieces from the 60s and 70s can watch the sub-genre take one of its last breaths in this odd outing from 1980. In the bracket, John Carradine plays author R. Chetwynd-Hayes, the author upon whose works the vignettes are based. After a not-so-subtly-gay interlude with vampire Vincent Price, our two new-found friends retire to a nightclub for monsters (or at least actors in monster masks that look like they might have been ordered from the back pages of Fangoria). There Price spins his tales, punctuated by bizarre musical performances by the likes of UB40 (not to mention a strip tease with a surprise ending). The stories themselves are a mixed bag. The second one was a little too silly for my taste. The first and third were more effective (particularly the ghoul drawings in number three), but both were damaged a bit by the inclusion of dorky monster names (a “shadmock” in the first and a “hum-goo” in the third). Then in the end Price gets to make a heavy-handed but nonetheless thought-provoking speech about the relationship between horror stories and horror in real life. I can’t say if viewers who aren’t into this kind of thing will get much out of it, but genre fans should probably put this on their to-view lists. Mildly amusing

Review – Moby Dick (1956)

John Houston and Herman Melville were meant to be together. The director’s love of emoting and speechifying is tailor-made for the author’s grandiose, obsessive allegory of good and evil. Screenwriter Ray Bradbury does a fairly effective job of condensing the whale-sized novel down to a manageable two hours or so. Some of the whaling sequences make for difficult viewing, but at least they’re actually integral to the plot. My only real gripe here is that the technical aspects of the production are prosaic. More creative camerawork in particular would have been a real asset. Overall I suspect one needs to be in the proper state of mind before taking this on, but if the itch hits you then this will do a fine job of scratching it. Mildly amusing

Review – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Two things surprised me about this movie, though in retrospect neither of them should have. The first was how strongly it depended on the original. I went to see it with a friend who hadn’t seen the first one, and that helped make me acutely aware of all of the considerable number of moments where a joke or plot twist or even just a bit of dialogue was a reference to Curse of the Black Pearl. The second surprise was that after two and a half hours the ending was a weak set-up for yet another sequel. References to past and future productions aside, this stands up reasonably well as a fluffy bit of summer fun. The script isn’t as tight as the original, and Johnny Depp mails in his performance. But in exchange we get more extensive special effects and more elaborate fight sequences. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mephisto Waltz

You see it coming in the first five minutes. It happens in half an hour. And then on the movie goes on for more than an hour longer. The plot takes some entertaining twists and turns, but ultimately this is still pretty much a one-joke movie. The 70s-era production values lend a note of creepiness. Mildly amusing

Review – Blood Bath

A better script might have turned this from a bad, low-budget horror movie to a good one. The concepts behind the vignettes in this anthology piece aren’t bad, but the dialogue and action are so stiff that the plot gets lost. The bracket also loses focus around midway through. That notwithstanding, there’s some entertaining stuff here. Actor-wise, keep an eye out for supporting roles played by Doris Roberts and P.J. Soles. Mildly amusing

Review – Deep Shock

“SciFi Channel Original” joins the pantheon of great oxymorons. This production can be divided into two categories: stuff stolen from other movies (primarily The Abyss) and time wasted while the characters flounder around waiting for the next stolen plot element. Giant electric eels try to keep an underwater research station from using nuclear torpedoes to seal a hole in the earth’s crust below the arctic ice cap before … oh, let’s be honest. The story doesn’t really matter. If you like cheap effects and bad acting, you’re in the right place. Beyond that, this production doesn’t have much to offer. See if desperate

Review – The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

It’s hard to think of this as anything but “The Freddy of the Opera,” and that isn’t just because Robert Englund stars as a villain with a horribly scarred face. The whole production has a late-80s slasher movie feel to it, which clashed unpleasantly with the traditional gothic trappings of the tale. Though the bulk of the production follows – more or less – the plot from the novel, the Leroux stuff is bracketed by a modern bit in which our heroine is knocked unconscious during a Broadway audition and dreams/remembers the bulk of the plot. This brought the “Dancing Cavalier” plot from Singin’ in the Rain so strongly to mind that this picture became even harder to take seriously. There’s enough Phantom here to make this vaguely entertaining, but the “innovations” this time around almost universally detract. Mildly amusing

Review – Saved!

For a movie about the finer points of faith, this one isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen. And considering that it’s fairly obviously aimed at a teenage audience, I was actually surprised that it wasn’t a lot dumber than it was. Sure, this isn’t a serious consideration of deep theological questions. But it does recognize that at some point in their lives (often in their mid to late teens) many people begin to question the simpleminded religious doctrines that have been spoon-fed to them for years. The movie’s conclusion – that you don’t have to abandon all faith just because some of what you’ve been taught about God turns out to be nonsense – is an important lesson delivered without overwhelming amounts of kiddie-corn. Serious-minded adults may find some of the humor a bit beneath them, but for the target audience this should be a good experience. Mildly amusing

Review – Pulse

As is not exactly unusual with Japanese ghost stories, this production’s way more atmosphere than anything else. The plot involves ghosts from an overflowing afterlife leaking over into our world via computers. Not that it comes as much of a surprise that Windows machines are inhabited by evil spirits. The spooky visual gimmicks carry the picture for 20 or 30 minutes, but after that the creepiness wears off and nothing steps in to maintain the remaining hour and a half. Indeed, the subtitles tell a dreary tale of angst and ennui worthy of the legendary Werner Herzog himself (though the most famous name that actually shows up in the credits is Kurosawa, and even then it isn’t Akira). The production might also score a point or two for coming up with a new way for the world to end. Beyond that, however, this is just a big bunch of boring. Mildly amusing

Review – Syriana

This comes across as the international intrigue version of Crash. Sure, assassination plots, high dollar mergers and the like are inherently more interesting than Los Angelinos squabbling abut race relations. But that doesn’t make this a good movie. I was particularly disappointed by the lack of complexity in the plot. Other reviewers led me to believe that the story involved so many twists and turns that it was sometimes difficult to tell what was going on. There was some wheeling and dealing and double-crossing and the like, but at no point was it hard to follow, rarely even hard to predict. Overall this isn’t a bad movie. It just wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Mildly amusing

Review – Underworld Evolution

Not much evolving going on here, truth be told. Vampires. Werewolves. Vampires fighting werewolves. Vampires fighting vampires. The only real change this time around is slightly less plot, story replaced by action and a dash of nudity. The switch is welcome, but it isn’t drastic enough to count as evolution. Thus if the first one floated your boat, this one will likely keep you comfortably sailing along. Mildly amusing

Review – The Omen (2006)

Here we have yet another movie that didn’t really need to be remade, particularly not like this. Aside from a couple of dream-sequence spots, the scares in this one are no more sophisticated than they were in the original. The casting is odd at best. Mia Farrow’s supporting-role return to devil child cinema was entertaining, but the main characters simply fell short. I wasn’t expecting anyone as good as Gregory Peck, but if Liev Schrieber continues the trend from this production and The Manchurian Candidate he’s going to develop a reputation as the cardboard cut-out god of crappy remakes. In Julia Stiles’ defense, I’m not sure if she was actually wrong for the role of Damien’s mom or if I’ve just got her cemented in my head as the kid from 10 Things I Hate About You and can’t get past that picture of her. I also felt profoundly let down by the soundtrack. The music in the original was ground-breaking stuff, making the fake Gregorian chant into a horror movie cliché. Rather than develop on that, the score here is at best unmemorable. Overall this is a grey little disappointment of a movie. Mildly amusing

Review – The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

The addition of the strange nuclear test site town was vaguely entertaining. Otherwise I don’t have much to say about this that I didn’t already say about the original. See if desperate

Review – Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1920)

John Barrymore stars as the doctor/fiend in this early adaptation of the Stephenson classic. Though thoroughly infected with the technical difficulties of the silent era – particularly histrionic acting – this production holds up surprisingly well even decades later. The one notable difference between this and subsequent versions is that Barrymore’s Hyde is actually less physically imposing than his Jekyll, the former a hunched-over creature with spindly limbs while the latter is your typical “man’s man.” Otherwise this is a straightforward version of a familiar story. Mildly amusing

Review – The Devil Doll

The scariest thing about this movie is Lionel Barrymore parading around in drag more than half the time. Of course as an escaped convict seeking revenge on the trio who had him wrongfully imprisoned years ago, he can perhaps be excused for disguising himself as an old lady. What is harder to excuse is his decision to employ the shrinking technology developed by one of his convict buddies and try to reduce his enemies to doll size. For the most part this is a special effects vehicle from 1936, and though the composite shots aren’t all that impressive by 21st century standards, they were probably pretty hot stuff in their day. Overall I’ve seen better horror movies from this period in film history, but I’ve seen worse as well. Mildly amusing

Review – The Shaft

A little more time spent on the script might have made this into a genuinely view-worthy horror movie. I suppose the plot – biotechnology run rampant in a skyscraper – isn’t the most ingenious ever conceived, but it ends up being a blend of clichés just odd enough to seem fresh. The acting’s not too terrible; indeed, several of the supporting roles are played by talented and/or moderately famous thespians. The technical details were okay, and so on. Where this production drops from solid piece of low-budget horror to just another crappy straight-to-video fright flick is in the excessive screen time devoted to go-nowhere twists and turns. I suppose some of it might be excused as red herrings (though the “mystery” here doesn’t really call for a lot of diversions) or character development. But even a limited re-editing of the tale could easily have cut out a big chunk of uninteresting wastes of screen time. Mildly amusing

Review – Ocean’s Twelve

Second verse, same as the first. If you like to look at celebrities, wow are you in the right place. On the other hand, Entertainment Tonight has celebrities without some of the pesky drawbacks of movie-making, such as the expectation that the production will have a plot of some kind. Beyond the parade of stars, this plays like a two-hour-long music video for a genuinely terrible soundtrack. If you liked the first one, this one might have a chance with you. Otherwise there isn’t much here. See if desperate

Review – Tears of Kali

Wow, a movie that’s actually so terrible it can make the goddess of death and destruction cry. I’ve never seen a German horror anthology movie before, so I don’t have anything to compare this to. However, I hope they aren’t all this terrible. The bracket starts out on the right foot (lots of strangeness and nasty gore), but then the stories themselves turn out dull and dumb. There’s some weak and somewhat inconsistent use of supernatural stuff borrowed from Hinduism, but otherwise there isn’t much to distinguish this production from any number of other low-budget splatter flicks from either side of the Atlantic. See if desperate

Review – A Sound of Thunder

Monsters that are half gorilla and half velociraptor. Do I really need to say anything else about this? Though I’ve never read it, I expect the Ray Bradbury short that supposedly inspired this production had something going for it. However, whatever potential it might have packed is swiftly squandered on the usual combination of bad script, bad acting and bad production quality. At least half an hour of this show is so dark that it’s difficult – at times even impossible – to tell what’s going on. I suppose that saved them some money on special effects, but it didn’t help make the weak story line any easier to swallow. The plot puts a new twist or two on the whole traveling-back-in-time-and-changing-things-via-the-butterfly-effect thing, but otherwise this one’s missable. See if desperate

Review – I Eat Your Skin

I remember reading somewhere that this movie was re-titled to fit on a double bill with I Drink Your Blood. That would stand to reason, given the complete absence of skin-eating in this production. Rather than chewing hides, the zombies here appear interested only in killing white people, especially blonde women. The story is dreadful, the acting on par with the script, and the racism more than a little hard to take. However, there’s an odd effectiveness to the zombies. Their cheap make-up – particularly the cloth patch eyes – should inspire laughs, but there’s something delightfully creepy about them. Otherwise, however, this one’s missable. See if desperate

Review – It Waits

This movie helps me prove a point I’ve asserted several times in other reviews: a little decent writing goes a long way. The acting, directing and special effects here aren’t exactly top drawer. The monster looks like a bargain basement Pumpkinhead. The producers obviously had at least some budget to work with, but this isn’t a slick, Hollywood production by any stretch of the imagination. But with Richard Christian Matheson co-writing and co-producing, at least they got enough of a story to make it worth the telling. For the most part this is a run-of-the-mill monster in the woods tale, but it has some elements (such as the excuse for the creature’s deliberate cruelty) that help keep it interesting. Though this isn’t the best horror movie I’ve ever seen, it was a darn sight better than several other movies I rented in the same batch, including at least a couple with much higher budgets and much worse scripts. Mildly amusing

Review – Shallow Ground

They should have buried this one deeper. Then maybe nobody would have dug it up. I rented this because the box promised me gore and one of the critics’ blurbs described it as “intelligent.” The gore was sort of there. They spread the Karo syrup and red food coloring around like they bought a tanker full of it and the sales contract included a promise to use every drop. But rarely if ever was it put to good use. Indeed, as in other productions – Dead Alive comes to mind – the red stuff flows so copiously that it loses its impact. It doesn’t help matters that a lot of it squirts – often apropos of nothing – out of a mysterious boy who wanders around naked for most of the picture. And “intelligent”? Maybe, but only if that’s a synonym for “ponderous” (which is certainly a synonym for “boring”). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Aeon Flux

Sadly, I have little trouble believing that an additional four hundred years of perfume ads, video games and cell phones might actually do this to the human race. Like the animated shorts that spawned it, this production isn’t real long on plot. Indeed, careful editing could probably break it up into isolated, nonsensical episodes just like the original series. It’s a pretty picture, and some of the effects are entertaining. It just doesn’t hold together as a feature-length movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Left Behind

Based on the first volume of “the most popular fiction series in history” (at least until Harry Potter came along), this movie treats us to the run-up to the end of the world. As the title implies, the main plot point in this production is the Rapture, the moment in neo-Christian mythology when all good, Bible-believing folk (not to mention all innocent children without regard to religious conviction) suddenly vanish off the face of the earth before the dreaded End Times begin. As a result this movie is mostly set-up for more interesting tales that are – presumably – yet to come. The production is rife with the right-wing conceits one would expect from such a thing, but otherwise this didn’t have to be an absolutely terrible movie. Except for one thing: these folks just cannot stop themselves from preaching. It’s such a big part of the culture that spawns these books and movies that writers and actors and directors just can’t help but do it. The plot has to be interrupted while the characters minister to one another (and thus to the audience as well). Honestly folks, if your story isn’t compelling enough to make the point you’re trying to get across without pausing for sermons, then you need to go back and re-write. Compare this production to The Passion of the Christ or even The Ten Commandments and I hope you’ll see what I mean. So what we’ve got here is a movie designed to preach to the choir. If you’re a choir member, enjoy. Otherwise skip at will. See if desperate

Review – Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis

I’ve lost count. What is this? Number four? This time around some evil corporation is turning corpses (and even injured-but-not-dead folks) into a zombie army with an eye toward world domination. But when a teen injured in a motorcycle accident is stolen from the hospital, his friends band together to rescue him. The rest of the picture is an extra-gory episode of Scooby Doo minus the dog. The scariest thing in the whole production is the bizarre emoting of Peter Coyote as the mad scientist in charge. Wasn’t this guy considered an actual actor at one point? Oh, and speaking of the acting: it’s par for the terrible course (as is the script, the direction, the effects, and everything else). My special favorite (aside from Coyote) was the bargain-basement actress playing a role clearly reminiscent of – if not in fact designed for – Paris Hilton. Was the real thing too expensive? Or is this movie stunning proof that there are some things so terrible that even Paris Hilton won’t do them? See if desperate

Review – Hostel

I liked this movie a bit better than I thought I would, but that’s probably because I expected it to be fairly terrible. Oh, and I’d just watched something else that was even worse (see Shallow Ground, or better yet don’t). The premise of this production has potential: witless American tourists are being lured into a dungeon in Slovakia where rich patrons pay for the privilege of torturing them to death. Our young protagonists prove to be annoying enough that seeing them meet with painful misfortune is actually something of a guilty pleasure. I’m not sure we’re supposed to sympathize with the killers, but the sympathy is there nonetheless. The production is notable for its emphasis on reaction shots, stressing the pain of the experience rather than just the gory details. And though it’s long on the set-up (nobody dies until nearly halfway through), there’s enough nudity and blood to thoroughly entertain anyone easily impressed by such elements. Mildly amusing

Review – X-Men 3

After the first two, I was actually looking forward to this one. And to put it bluntly, I was disappointed. I liked the previous installments at least in part because of the rare presence of character development in the action genre. However, that element was almost completely absent this time around. The new characters are almost all villains. Normally that would be great, but this crop is a pack of duds. Rather than focus on characters, this production devotes most of its screen time to special effects – naturally – and to sustaining a plot that serves primarily to kill off (or otherwise do away with) as many of the series regulars as possible within the limits of what audiences are likely to put up with. They’re calling this the “last battle,” and though movie-goers have seen words like that used deceptively in the past, this time around the producers appear to be serious. Overall this wasn’t a complete waste of a couple of hours, but it was inferior to its predecessors. Mildly amusing

Review – Mission: Impossible 3

The thing I admired most about this production was the film-makers’ complete refusal to explain the McGuffin. What exactly is the “rabbit’s foot”? And don’t give me any of this “doomsday device” nonsense, either. Why is it valuable for the purpose it’s supposed to serve in the story? Why is it being stored in an office building in Shanghai? Why is it being guarded by private security? Ask away, audience. The only response you’ll get is, “honestly, do you really care?” To which we have to reply that no, we really don’t. It’s not like anyone who ever watched an Evel Knievel motorcycle stunt found him- or herself wondering “did the school buses do something to make him mad?” or “wouldn’t it have been easier to ride around the buses rather than jumping over them?” Just give us Hollywood celebrities, exotic locations (all helpfully identified by nation for the geographically-differently-abled who don’t know that Berlin is in Germany or that Shanghai is in China) and lots of expensive special effects. Plot, character, dialogue – all of which might have been obtained for a fraction of the cost of one stuntman-flinging chunk of pyrotechnics – apparently aren’t worth even a minimal investment anymore. I also have a serious gripe about the demise of the villain, but I can’t include it in this review without giving away the end of the movie. Finally, at the screening I went to, a preview for the new Superman movie accidentally ran through the projector upside down and backward. At the end of the show I was left curious about how the entertainment value of the movie I’d just seen might have been affected if the main attraction had suffered the same fate as the preview. Unfortunately, “not much” is my best guess. See if desperate

Review – Carnival of Souls

This odd little picture from 1962 should serve as at least some inspiration for indy film-makers everywhere. Herk Harvey manages to make a not-too-bad movie with minimal resources, something that was a lot harder to do in the early 60s than it is now. Sure, the picture has rough spots. The script is weak. The acting is strictly amateur hour. Even the dimmest audience member must surely see the final turn of the screw coming almost from the beginning of the picture. But some of the defects add to the impact. For example, Candace Hilligoss (as Mary, our protagonist) looks so much like a 60s-era department story mannequin that it’s actually a little surprising every time she talks. In some roles that would be off-putting to say the least. But here it adds to the general sense of disorientation that the director is trying to convey. An abandoned amusement park in Salt Lake City serves as the location for a lot of the key action, and the weirdness of these visuals is almost enough to make the whole movie worthwhile all by itself. I should also admit that I like this picture at least in part because some scenes were shot in Lawrence, Kan., a town where I lived for several years. Thus I got a kick out of the whole “so that’s what that looked like back in ‘62” thing, an experience other audience members might not share. Still, overall this is a solid piece of work considering the era and the budget. Mildly amusing

Review – The Shopworn Angel

Usually about the worst thing I have to say about a movie from Hollywood’s “golden age” is that I didn’t care about it one way or another. But this one actually managed to be terrible. Margaret Sullivan stars as a Broadway actress torn between Jimmy Stewart and some guy I didn’t recognize. Stewart plays a young, naïve GI with google-eyed crush on the actress, a relationship that seems doomed to failure not only by the differences in their lifestyles but also by his imminent departure for the trenches of World War One. For the most part this is a fluffy little picture from the early days of talkies. But toward the end the film-makers paint themselves into a corner and then decide to burn the house down in order to escape. Honestly, this picture has the worst ending of just about anything I’ve ever seen. More than that I can’t say without giving away the conclusion, so unless you watch it for yourself you’ll just have to take my word about what a disappointment it was. See if desperate

Review – The Day Mars Invaded Earth

Imagine Invasion of the Body Snatchers reworked as one of the bad episodes of The Twilight Zone and then stretched to more than three times its natural length. Judging by appearances, the producers of this little treasure rented (or otherwise wrangled access to) a deserted mansion out in the Hollywood hills somewhere. Then, armed with somewhere around 20 minutes’ worth of script, they created nearly 80 minutes’ worth of movie by having the characters wander aimlessly around the grounds. If you’re trying to see every humans-replaced-by-alien-look-alikes movie ever made, then sooner or later you’re going to have to sit through this. Otherwise it’s completely missable. VSee if desperate

Review – Finding Neverland

Here we have the “inspired by true events” version of the creation of Peter Pan. Apparently J.M. Barrie based his most popular work on the children of a woman he befriended. The kids lost their father to some ailment or another, and now Mom has the consumption. Fortunately Barrie is able to step into their lives – and out of his own loveless marriage and recent theatrical flop. He brings the kids a heart-warming sense of play and wonder, something particularly desperately needed by middle child Peter. That’s the movie in a nutshell; the rest is mostly soap-opera twists and turns. Johnny Depp does a good job as Barrie, and Kate Winslett is adequate as the love interest. There’s nothing wrong with this production aside from the fact that – as one might expect – it’s somewhat depressing. On the other hand, Barrie’s life apparently doesn’t make anywhere near as good a movie as his famous tale. Mildly amusing

Review – Mrs. Henderson Presents

Wealthy aristocrat and recent widow Henderson (Judi Dench) is lonely and bored. She buys a theater in London and hires an experienced producer (Bob Hoskins, who also has executive producer credit for this movie) to put on a musical variety show. The show succeeds at first but then slumps. Our heroine decides that the entertainment needs a boost in the form of nude models. That’s enough plot for half an hour or so, with maybe another fifteen minutes for resolving complications and tying up subplots. However, the production keeps going for double that length. For the most part this is an entertaining show. It just runs out of material before it runs out of film stock. Mildly amusing

Review – The Brothers Grimm

The movie dreadful. This is the exact opposite of what we’ve come to expect from Terry Gilliam. There’s almost no plot at all here, the story consisting almost exclusively of fairy tale sub-references and sight gags. And even these elements frequently don’t work on their own, let alone as part of a larger production. The acting was terrible; why oh why did Matt Damon feel the need to adopt a highly-ineffective English accent in order to play a German character? And don’t even get me started on the animal cruelty. Even the theme is unnecessary. As ever, Gilliam makes a valid point about the importance of imagination. But this is a subject he’s explored to much better effect in other productions ranging from Time Bandits down to Baron Munchausen. Because I was in a fairly good mood when I wrote this, the movie managed to escape a “skip” rating. But just barely. See if desperate

Review – Legendary Sin Cities

Rather than a movie, this is three hour-long “documentaries” produced for Canadian television. The subjects are the three supposedly most decadent cities of the 1920s: Berlin, Paris and Shanghai. Actually, I wish I’d watched the episodes in reverse order. Shanghai was depressing, Paris was boring, but Berlin was actually at least somewhat interesting (and I’ve always been a “save the best for last” sort). But for the most part all three programs were fairly terrible. The archive footage was terrific, but it seemed to occupy a relatively small percentage of the screen time. As usual with shows of this sort, a lot of the production is devoted to talking heads, here even more aggravating than usual in that the “experts” selected for the most part come across as stuffy intellectuals who snicker nervously through their discussions of sex and drug abuse. Honestly, if the words “hedonistic” and “demimonde” were banned from the presentation, most of the interviewees would have been struck silent. Were I to watch this set over again, I’d probably do it with the sound off. Mildly amusing