Review – House of Wax (2005)

When Robert Zemeckis and some of his cronies first set out to remake all of William Castle’s movies, I was anxiously looking forward to the point when they got to The Tingler (one of my favorites). Now, unfortunately, I’m dreading the moment to the point that I hope it never comes. With each successive Dark Castle production (and for the record, they don’t appear to be unearthing William Castle corpses anymore), the acorns have fallen farther and farther from the tree. Indeed, this one must have been eaten by a squirrel and excreted in a neighboring state somewhere. For openers, the movie runs for nearly an hour before anyone gets killed. What kind of slasher movie is that? Next, even those of us who haven’t actively sought the experience have nonetheless already been confronted with multiple opportunities to see Paris Hilton undressed. With the money they spent getting her to once again peel off and prance around in her underwear, they might have been able to acquire assets ranging from a better screenplay or a more talented director (just how many ECUs can you wedge into one movie?) down to something as simple as a focus puller. And if you’re hoping somehow that the movie is cooking up some clever twists to add at least some entertainment value, hope no longer. Instead, try using a stopwatch so you can officially test how much screen time is devoted to planning sequences (“You go to the gas station and call for help while I check out the haunted house” “No, we should stick together” and blah blah blah). I’d try this experiment myself, but I don’t think I could sit through this thing again. Wish I’d skipped it