Review – House of Wax (2005)

When Robert Zemeckis and some of his cronies first set out to remake all of William Castle’s movies, I was anxiously looking forward to the point when they got to The Tingler (one of my favorites). Now, unfortunately, I’m dreading the moment to the point that I hope it never comes. With each successive Dark Castle production (and for the record, they don’t appear to be unearthing William Castle corpses anymore), the acorns have fallen farther and farther from the tree. Indeed, this one must have been eaten by a squirrel and excreted in a neighboring state somewhere. For openers, the movie runs for nearly an hour before anyone gets killed. What kind of slasher movie is that? Next, even those of us who haven’t actively sought the experience have nonetheless already been confronted with multiple opportunities to see Paris Hilton undressed. With the money they spent getting her to once again peel off and prance around in her underwear, they might have been able to acquire assets ranging from a better screenplay or a more talented director (just how many ECUs can you wedge into one movie?) down to something as simple as a focus puller. And if you’re hoping somehow that the movie is cooking up some clever twists to add at least some entertainment value, hope no longer. Instead, try using a stopwatch so you can officially test how much screen time is devoted to planning sequences (“You go to the gas station and call for help while I check out the haunted house” “No, we should stick together” and blah blah blah). I’d try this experiment myself, but I don’t think I could sit through this thing again. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Kingdom of Heaven

I’ll admit to at least some interest in Medieval West Asian history, so perhaps I enjoyed this production more than I really should have (despite the usual battery of historical “reinterpretation”). Clearly this is Ridley Scott’s attempt to take the essential plot elements from Gladiator and relocate them to 12th century Palestine. For the most part it works okay. What we end up with is the oh-so-American tale of a commoner who, though sheer force of will and natural leadership ability, rises to the head of the Christian defenders of the humble denizens of Jerusalem menaced by the Allah-obsessed Saracen hordes. Yeah, it’s silly. And frequently the story takes a back seat to the de rigeur epic battle sequences. But that’s to be expected in a production like this. If you come into the experience with that in mind, you’ll get pretty much exactly what you pay for. Mildly amusing

Review – Cabaret

I know I’m supposed to be impressed by the Berlin-between-the-wars decadence and/or blown away by the famous musical numbers. But honestly my favorite part of this production was the backdrops. I loved the look and feel of the locations much more than the sad, silly antics of the characters. It didn’t help that the cast was headed up by wooden Michael York and spastic Liza Minelli. I feel bad saying this about the role she’s probably best known for, but she’s at best inconsistent as Sally. Sometimes you can almost feel for the character, but then Minelli slips and out comes her own less-than-endearing personality rather than the part she’s supposed to be playing. To complete the Three Faces of Liza: whenever she starts to sing a solo, out comes Mama. Joel Grey does a solid job in the role that will be forever associated with him, and his performance works at least in part because he blends in so well with the time and the place rather than trying to Hollywood all over everything. A projectionist in Asia once screened The Sound of Music with all the musical numbers cut out. I’d like to see something similar tried here (annoying things just get stuck in my head anyway). And as long as the scissors are out, cut down the leads’ screen time and see what kind of movie can be made out of the subplots that emphasize key elements of this fascinating period in history. Mildly amusing

Review – Flashdance

Take every “I’m going to make it big in show biz” cliché you can think of and imagine them all crammed into one oh-so-eighties movie. And here it is. Our heroine is a welder by day rather than a full-time nincompoop, but that’s as far as the picture deviates from the struggling ingénue formula. At night she works in a club in which women dance for men but don’t take their clothes off, sort of a not-too-slutty strip club that allows the protagonist to stretch her artistic wings without coming across as cheap. Then there are the supporting characters, each with his or her own rapidly-failing dream. Then there’s the boss whose misguided attempts to help … well, you get the idea. Beyond the dubious distinction of having put leg warmers on the pop culture map, this movie’s contributions to human history are fairly minimal. See if desperate

Review – Atlantic City

Imagine Willy Loman as a superannuated numbers runner and you’ve got the gist of this critically-acclaimed Louis Malle movie. Burt Lancaster does a yeoman’s job as an old, low-level mobster who gets the chance to pretend to be someone important when he comes by a load of cocaine and the ready cash he makes from selling it. This is one of those twisty little stories in which everyone ends up tied to everyone else. In particular, our “hero” latches on to a oyster-shucking ingénue (Susan Sarandon) who dreams of dealing cards in Monte Carlo. Though Lancaster comes across as a little too old for the mid-life crisis he appears to be having, this is nonetheless an interesting portrait of middle-aged American masculinity. Beyond that, though, there’s an interesting parallel between the man and the city he lives in, both faded, both apparently anxious to relive days that never were. Mildly amusing

Review – Kagemusha

This was the first Kurosawa movie I ever saw many years ago. I can remember being impressed by the big, elaborate battle scenes, especially the night sequence. Now that I’m a bit (well, more than a bit) older, I appreciate the technical quality and the subtleties of the drama more than the spectacle. The story here is the tale of a condemned criminal saved from execution thanks to his physical resemblance to a feudal lord. After the lord is killed, impersonating him becomes a full-time job. With three hours to play with, Kurosawa has a ton of time to let his characters develop, our hero slowly easing into the role and yet … well, there’s just no way to distill this down into a handful of words. Suffice it to say that this probably isn’t Kurosawa at his absolute best, but if you like his work you’ll like this movie. Fair warning, though: there’s some deliberately excessive horse suffering toward the end. Worth seeing

Review – The Amityville Horror (2005)

This isn’t Detroit, it’s … well, Detroit might have been a scarier movie. This isn’t horror as much as it’s the Amityville Annoyance. The Lutzes and the sad tale of their possessed house might have made a much better production than this. The book at least had a little potential. Not much, but a little. Even the first movie was scarier. The script is terrible (great priest quote: “Mrs. Lutz, your house frightens me”). The acting is sub-par. But worst of all, the production relies almost entirely on the booga-booga shot for entertainment value. A couple of them sort of work, but for the most part they’re the cinematic equivalent of a handshake with a joy buzzer: as witless as they are unwelcome. Further, the end fell even flatter than the rest of the picture. See if desperate