Review – Johnny Skidmarks

This murky little mystery starts out with an interesting premise: a crime scene photographer who moonlights doing motel room blackmail shoots discovers that his partners in crime are being knocked off one by one. But somehow it fails to live up to promise. The plot begins to meander, and the characters aren’t nearly engaging enough to make up for the lack of progress. Cap it all off with some truly dreadful corpse effects and an entirely unnecessary dead hamster, and you just don’t end up getting your money’s worth. See if desperate

Review – Mysterious Island

Sort of a sequel to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, this movie tells the tale of a group of Civil War prison camp escapees and other assorted castaways who end up on an island populated by the erstwhile Captain Nemo and various and sundry giant animals. Unless you’re a big fan of weak scripts or wooden acting, the big draw here is the vintage Ray Harryhausen special effects; who else would you go to back in 1961 when in search of giant animals for a sci-fi movie? Of course, true to form, the monsters are all cute, and most if not all of them end up dead. Still, the delightful if dated effects and the brief appearance by Herbert “Chief Inspector Dreyfus” Lom are almost enough to make the whole mess worthwhile. Mildly amusing

Review – Damn Yankees

Even by Broadway musical standards this one’s a little odd: a musical comedy about a guy who sells his soul to Satan for a chance to help the Washington Senators (first in war, first in peace, last in the American league) beat the Yankees and go to the post-season. The movie spills over with sexism, excessive choreography and plain ol’ strangeness. On the other hand, some of the songs are memorable classics, and even the peculiar moments have their unique entertainment value. It’s not exactly a baseball movie, but in the cold months during the off-season, this isn’t a bad port in a storm. Mildly amusing

Review – Mafia!

Here we have a send-up of mob movies in the finest Airplane! tradition. Unlike its airport-oriented predecessor, however, this film depends heavily on the assumption that you’ve seen the Godfather pictures and the handful of other mobster movies being lampooned. I’ve seen most if not all of them, so I got the jokes; but if you’re not a fan of the genre, a lot of this movie may go right past you. Like most of the other films in this sub-genre, it has a few moments. But it helps a lot if you watch this one after a long work week, because being too tired to think critically will help you gain a deeper appreciation of the sophomoric humor. Mildly amusing

Review – Outrageous Fortune

Shelly Long and Bette Midler play an odd couple in this combo of caper flick and road movie. The fact that our hapless protagonists happen to be women might make this somewhat novel if they weren’t chasing after a man. Some individual scenes are mildly amusing in a TV sitcom sort of way, and every once in awhile a line or two will draw some laughs. But for the most part this is too empty-headed even for an empty-headed bit of fluff. See if desperate

Review – Ever After: A Cinderella Story

I think I would have liked this film a lot more if I’d seen it in a theater. There’s just something about light-hearted, silly romances that makes them a lot easier to take when they can avail themselves of a big screen and loud speakers. But even on the small screen I guess this was okay; if you go in expecting what the title promises, you won’t go away disappointed. Drew Barrymore plays the lead in this vaguely politically-corrected version of the classic fairy tale. Cinderella takes at least part of the responsibility for her own emancipation, though still relying on Prince Charming for most of it, and the Fairy Godmother turns out to be Leonardo DaVinci. Not a bad choice if you’re in the mood for some brain candy. Mildly amusing

Review – Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace

I can’t quite seem to put my finger on it, but somehow the magic just doesn’t seem to be there. I guess it might be that this latest entry in the Star Wars series is a great deal more effects-intensive than the first three. It also lacks the star power of the originals, Liam Neeson notwithstanding. And I suppose part of the problem might be that I was a great deal more receptive to the whole sci-fi thing when I was a teenager. Still, despite the impressive technical quality of the production, the characters and plot just aren’t quite as engaging. The plot is effortful, at points seeming more like a Cliff’s Notes summary of a story rather than the story itself. There’s also a fair amount of uncomfortable racism, not only in the controversial Jar Jar Binks character but also in the Shylock-esque junk dealer and the sinister Asian demeanor of the villainous Trade Federation mandarins. All that aside, however, you get enough bang for your bucks to make this a pleasant viewing experience. Mildly amusing

Review – Big Trouble in Little China

Rare indeed is the movie that can combine this many different genres with any degree of success. But for the most part director John Carpenter actually manages to mash the Hong-Kong-style martial arts movie, the more traditional American action adventure flick, and the screwball comedy into a single film. To be sure, some parts aren’t especially effective. Sometimes the comedy gets in the way of the action, and Carpenter’s vocals on the end title theme aren’t exactly his finest moment. Overall, however, this is a thoroughly enjoyable diversion. Kurt Russell plays Jack Burton, a swaggering, obnoxious truck driver who gets caught up with no end of Chinese black magic, Tong wars and other similar doings. If you send your brain to bed early, you should find this one thoroughly amusing. True fans of the movie – and here I’m talking about folks who love it so much that they’d voluntarily sit through a Coup de Villes video or have always wondered just how Gracie Law got into the immigrant aid business – should certainly check out the collector’s edition DVD. If you like the movie, the extras are worth it. Worth seeing

Review – The Out-of-Towners

And old Neil Simon script gets a bit of a modern reheat. Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn play middle-aged parents suffering from downsizing, empty-nesting, and a variety of other wacky-situation-provoking mishaps. Our heroes from Ohio weather the usual barrage of dinner theater high jinks on their way to the usual dinner theater happy ending. So if you’re in the mood for a little dinner theater, you could do a lot worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

For anyone who’s no good at celebrity impressions, this film will give you two that you can do together. First pinch your nose shut and say “Who run Barter Town?” Then let go of your nose and, talking hoarsely from the back of your throat, reply “Master Blaster runs Barter Town.” Amuse your friends. Fun at parties. On a more serious note, I honestly don’t think this film was quite as highly rated as it maybe should have been. Sure, this what-if-the-world-ended-in-the-early-eighties-and-punk-rockers-took-over-Australia premise is more than its share of stupid. And sure, the production overall is a muddled mess, made all the worse by the fact that two different directors worked on different parts of the movie. But the plot’s at least a little more clever than the second Max movie, and the production values are a great big load better than the first one. Mildly amusing

Review – Mad Max

If asked to name an Australian film, this one would probably come most readily to most folks’ minds. It’s also the film that gave Mel Gibson his first big media exposure. Such lofty distinctions aside, this is a not-half-bad little action movie. Sure, the dialogue sounds like it was recorded in someone’s bathroom. And sure, the vast bulk of the budget probably went to pay for all the vehicles that get destroyed so that constant car wrecks can substitute for plot and character development. But it’s still not too shabby for a bit of low-budget mind candy. Of course the brutality is laid on a little thick, with all kinds of kid death and dog death and other random death piled on. But if you can get past the low quality and high violence levels, there’s some amusement value here as well. Mildly amusing

Review – The Godfather

Though I have a slight preference for the second one, I still have a lot of affection for this first film in the Godfather trilogy. If nothing else, it established most if not all of the motifs and clichés that have been in common use in mobster movies ever since it came out in the early 70s. On the other hand, it also helped establish or at least cement a lot of the ethic stereotypes of Italian Americans. Though probably not quite the profound commentary on the human condition that it aspires to be, it’s intriguing, entertaining, well scripted, well acted and fairly well paced for a three plus hour movie. Worth seeing

Review – Jacob’s Ladder

This film contains some of the most stunning nightmare sequences I’ve ever seen. The scene in the hospital is particularly breathtaking. Unfortunately, when the whole damn film is one long set of dreams, the dream sequences start to lose impact. So if you can wade through all the bewildering multiple planes of reality and the new age religious blather, you might genuinely get something out of parts of this movie. Mildly amusing

Review – The Car

Let’s see ... how could we make a movie that would be just like Jaws, but set it in the desert Southwest? I know, why don’t we use a demonic black car instead of a shark? Really, the plot would have been just about as plausible and the threat just about as menacing if they’d gone ahead and used a big fish flopping around in the dirt. One of the vignettes in Nightmares gives us a priest being pursued by a demonic black pick-em-up truck, and that’s just about as effective a piece of horror as this whole movie (not to mention that the vignette is shorter and thus has less trouble keeping itself going). This movie’s one moment is when the car squashes the love interest, where there’s a brief moment of genuine suspense as the audience watches out an open window as the headlights approach the house. Other than that, stick to sharks. See if desperate

Review – Romancing the Stone

Here’s another one of those Hollywood marketing jobs where they try to stir in enough action to draw in the men and enough romance to interest women. Throw in a load of comic relief, and you’ve got the recipe for a muddled mess. However, it’s a muddled mess that kinda works. Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner didn’t strike me as a pair with a lot of chemistry, but there are enough distractions (including a Colombian dictator, a kidnapping, a treasure map, a huge gemstone and no end of high jinks) that their relationship doesn’t have to carry the film. For a brain-dead action comedy, I guess it’s not too bad. Mildly amusing

Review – Robocop

Pithy commentary on the alienating effects of technology, or just a cheap excuse for a sci-fi action movie? You decide. Peter Weller has truly found his ideal role as the cold half-man-half-machine police officer. The jerky, mechanical movements and the jerky, mechanical delivery seem to come naturally to him. The effects are fairly good, particularly the stylish, deco-knight look of the robo-suit. Beyond that, the script is fine and the acting workmanlike if somewhat uninspired. If you’re looking for a mindless way to waste a couple of hours, you could do a lot worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Candyman: Day of the Dead

Unless I missed something somewhere, this third episode in the Candyman series went straight to cable (HBO, to be specific). Tony Todd, no doubt lured by a chance for co-producer credit, returns to don the hook one more time. Other links to the original are few and far between, and even the second one is echoed only in some obscure plot points. As a result, this one falls back on the tried-and-true slasher film mix of tits and gore (though even then it’s tame compared to other entries in the sub-genre). Even the eerie Philip Glass soundtrack is gone. See if desperate

Review – Beverly Hills Cop

If you’ve got a term paper due and you just happen to be writing it about the genre of cop movies that feature a street-wise young maverick detective who plays by his own rules, then you’d better watch this one before you type up your essay and turn it in. Eddie Murphy wisecracks and fist-fights his way through a couple of hours worth of smarmy villains, expensive chase sequences and uninteresting plot twists. It’s a cheap thrill ride, some tunes that charted back when the film first came out back in the mid-80s, and not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Event Horizon

Here we have an odd little mix of Alien-style sci fi and Barker-esque horror all rolled into one. The basic plot is that humanity’s first faster-than-light ship has returned not from deep space as expected but rather from a journey to the hell dimension. After awhile the whole show starts to reek of Hellraiser, especially toward the end when Sam Neil starts waltzing around with his head bedecked in linear lacerations (sans nails, at least). But despite this generally derivative character, the film manages a few genuine chills. And for a picture wedged so completely in this particular genre, the truly amazing part is that some of the best moments are genuinely understated or at least only briefly glimpsed rather than lavishly paraded across the screen until they wear thin. Mildly amusing

Review – The Glass Menagerie

Paul Newman takes the director’s chair for this production of Tennessee Williams’ play. Though the actors (particularly Joanne Woodward, the director’s wife) take a few liberties with the dialogue, the film remains reasonably true to the playwright’s sentimental vision of three fragile characters and a “gentleman caller” in pre-war St. Louis. Worth seeing

Review – Entrapment

Yet another entry in the realm of the high-tech thriller. This time around it’s Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones as a pair of thieves in perpetual search of the bigger score. Of course we also get a seemingly endless parade of double-cross and triple-cross, until the plot reaches the point where it’s hard to even care who’s trying to one-up whom. The gadgets, plot twists and acting are almost enough to keep it going. Almost. Mildly amusing

Review – The Thin Red Line

I guess if I’d been in more of a mood for a ponderous war movie I might have been a lot more receptive to this particular offering. After all, I enjoyed Farewell to the King, which was similar to this film in more ways than just the appearance of Nick Nolte in both. As it was, I found the characters and plot insufficient to sustain nearly three hours of screen time. Most of the big-name actors appear in roles that amount to little more than cameos – I’m surprised they had the guts to plug the film with promises of appearances by John Travolta and George Clooney, both of whom were onscreen only briefly – leaving unknowns and semi-knowns to play the key parts. Though all do workmanlike jobs, the casting director put guys who looked too similar in several of the lead spots, making it hard to tell what was happening to whom, particularly in the heat of the battle scenes. Lots of little things fail as well, such as the throaty, Apocalypse Now-esque voice-overs and a lot of the special effects. Still, the film as a whole is better than many other war movies with bigger budgets, including contemporary release Saving Private Ryan. Mildly amusing

Review – Campfire Tales

As the name suggests, this is a set of three vignettes with a bracketing plot, all based on urban legends. Though the first one has a few moments (it’s a monster story blended with a couple of shots from the hook-man thing), for the most part the whole thing’s pretty strictly for the high school crowd. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Okay boys and girls, let’s play a fun game called “unanswered questions.” Judging by the first sequel, the unanswered question from the original would have to have been “what happened to the Boogeyman at the end of the first one?” Halloween 2 in turn left unanswered the question: “what would happen if we made a sequel that had nothing at all to do with the first two?” Next came “would audiences forgive us for #3 if we brought Michael Myers back?” But by this point in the cycle, the only unresolved curiosity has to be something like “how many more of these will audiences sit through?” The Myers niece returns, only this time she’s mute (which is not as big a blessing as one might imagine, especially inasmuch as it doesn’t last). So basically this is just a continuation of #4, with even less plot (if such a thing can be imagined) and more random screaming and slashing. See if desperate

Review – Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

I like how the title takes care to assure us that Michael Myers is indeed back for this one. Having done in his entire family either via direct butchery or simple attrition, The Shape has now been reduced to stalking his prepubescent niece. Seriously, this guy has trooped back to Haddonfield so many times that the kids in the local grade schools must have Boogeyman drills just like kids in Kansas have tornado drills and kids in Japan have Godzilla drills. Donald Pleasance and photos of Jamie Lee Curtis are about all that’s left from the original, with the saga otherwise reduced from helping to spawn the slasher genre to becoming just another pathetic example thereof. See if desperate