Review – Village of the Damned (1995)

Village of the out-of-work actors is more like it. With Michael Pare, Mark Hamil and Christopher Reeve (pre-accident) chewing on the scenery, you know you’re in for a real treat. I’m not sure why John Carpenter decided that it would be a good idea to remake a dreary old film about a village terrorized by psychic alien children, particularly inasmuch as he didn’t really seem to add too much when he redid it. This comes across as a made-for-TV production (though it was originally released in theaters), an odd step for a director with a long-standing reputation for making much better movies. Mildly amusing

Review – Swing Kids

What the heck is this film trying to do? Is it a teen rebellion picture? A historical drama about the pre-war Nazi takeover of Germany? A dance movie? Ultimately it gives each of these goals a try, and falls short on all. There’s some good music and good dancing to be found here, but the simplistic politics and silly rebel-without-a-cause posturing end up getting in the way. And if the producers thought they could sell swing to kids by using history as a hook, well, let’s just say that the Gap khakis ad did a better job of it in less time and without the trite history lesson. See if desperate

Review – Bull Durham

Here we have one of the great moments in baseball cinema. This has got to be one of the sappiest, most pseudo-intellectual bits of fluff ever committed to celluloid. In other words, it’s a perfect example of the genre. Kevin Costner speechifies, Susan Sarandon misquotes Blake, and Tim Robbins looks awkward. Despite all that, this film occasionally manages to be clever. And beneath all the goofy humor, romantic posturing and other clap-trap, the film’s saving grace is that it does manage to convey a genuine love of the game. Worth seeing

Review – Red Corner

If only the Dalai Lama was in charge of mainland China, there would be no injustice, no corruption, and the land would be safe for American movie companies to peddle their wares in a free market with adequate copyright protection. Thank you, Mr. Gere. There, now that we’ve got the subtext out of the way ... this is a mediocre political thriller that aspires to join the ranks of Missing and Midnight Express but falls miserably short. See if desperate

Review – End of Days

I don’t know what happened. I used to really like theology-intensive horror pictures. The Exorcist and The Omen remain two of my favorite movies. Heck, for that matter I used to like Schwarzenegger movies as well. But despite what should have been a good confluence of elements, this one just didn’t work for me. At least part of the problem was the plot. The premise here is that Satan can defeat God and destroy creation if he can manage to have sex with a specific woman between 11:00 and midnight on New Year’s Eve 1999. Honestly, who besides a desperate screenwriter is going to come up with a dumb-ass rule like that? The effects provide an occasional thrill, but other than that there isn’t much here. See if desperate

Review – A Bug’s Life

The old tale of the grasshopper and the ants gets a work-over via the magic of Pixar and a big dose of plot transfusion from The Seven Samurai. Like most Disney animations, this film’s got its share of impressive graphics and cute moments. But also like most Disney animations, it features a few cute characters, a lot of feel-good moments, and the notorious happy ending. The romance between the ant princess and the hapless hero doesn’t work for me, perhaps because I didn’t sense much chemistry between Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Dave Foley, even as computer-animated bugs (or maybe they were just too close to their counterparts in Antz, which suffered from equally bad chemistry between Woody Allen and Sharon Stone). Not bad as an opening feature for video night, but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Creepshow

I think true appreciation of this horror anthology picture depends on one’s status as a fan of EC comics, director George Romero, and/or screenwriter Stephen King. Those who don’t meet the qualification are likely to find this too comic-book-esque and nowhere near violent or suspenseful enough to work as a horror movie. However, if you do fit the bill, you should get a real kick out of it. King fans should particularly enjoy the “Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill” vignette, since the author himself plays the title role. All the stories are packed with EC-style thrills and a few familiar faces in each cast; even Ted Danson and Leslie Nielsen, both of whom are better known for their comedy roles, do a good job as a woman’s adulterous lover and her very angry husband. My personal favorite, college professor that I am, is “The Crate” with its academic setting and semi-Lovecraftian sub-references. Though again I stress that it’s probably not for everyone, those who will enjoy it will probably want a copy. Buy the tape

Review – Crash Dive

Mike “The Dude” Dudikoff is the unlikely star of this movie about a dashing, handsome, young, single father who happens to both design nuclear submarines and board them in daring commando raids to recapture them when they’ve been seized by terrorists. Needless to say, the plot has holes in it big enough to drive a Typhoon-class submarine through (for those of you not up on your submarine geekdom, that’s pretty big), but if you’re in the mood for a brainless action movie then at least you’ll get what you pay for. See if desperate

Review – Sliding Doors

Unless struck by an unusual mood, I’m usually not the date movie sort. I was drawn to this particular specimen by its premise: the film follows the life, or make that lives, of a woman whose fate is drastically different depending on whether or not she barely makes or barely misses the subway one day. I’m intrigued by the notion that fate would vary so dramatically based on such trivial twists, and the film does an admirable job of playing both scenarios out from their common origin. The really amazing part is that in addition to the high-concept stuff, the script is witty and the acting is underplayed quite well. So come for the concept but stay for the rest of it. Worth seeing

Review – Sleepy Hollow

Tim Burton makes a serious horror movie out of the famous Washington Irving story about the Headless Horseman. Of course the film-makers do a considerable amount of adaptation in the process, transforming protagonist Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) from schoolmaster to big-city constable sent to the muddy backwater of Sleepy Hollow to solve a murder mystery. Oddly enough, the drama in this 20th (almost 21st) century production depends much more heavily on the supernatural than its 19th century source. But for the most part it works quite well. The only two gripes I have are that the film is very hard on the small animals (featuring graphic bird and bat death) and most of the stuff I found the most chilling occurred toward the beginning of the movie. The DVD features some interesting behind-the-scenes stuff, including feature-length commentary by Burton. Worth seeing

Review – Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

This quasi-remake of the quasi-famous Roger Corman low-budget classic manages to lampoon both horror movies and musicals. I suppose it was a little more impressive back in the 80s when the stars who make cameos were still popular. But even now this isn’t bad for a silly bit of off-Broadway diversion., especially with veteran puppeteer Frank Oz in the director’s chair. When the star of the show is a big, blood-drinking plant, that muppet experience must have really come in handy. Mildly amusing

Review – Rashomon

Though not quite director Akira Kurosawa’s finest moment, it is one of his better-known films and certainly a high-quality effort. The name of this film has become synonymous with tales that recount the same event from multiple points of view, here being the story of a rape and murder told from the perspective of a bandit (played by the legendary Toshiro Mifune), a husband, a wife and a neutral witness to their respective crimes. Though the editing and mis en scene are occasionally a bit on the ponderous side, finer portraits of the frailties of humanity are few and far between. Worth seeing

Review – The Corruptor

Once again inscrutable Asians provide the cannon fodder for a cop buddy movie. This time around Chow Yun-Fat plays a seasoned veteran and Mark Wahlberg plays a young newcomer to the Chinatown beat in New York. The plot follows Wahlberg as he slowly becomes corrupted by Tong bosses, eventually getting to be just as bad as mentor Chow. The story is punctuated by sporadic chases and/or shoot-outs, not to mention so many double-crosses that it becomes a chore to keep up with who’s stabbing whom in the back. The editing is also a problem, aspiring to John Woo’s jump-cut style without really mastering it. Overall this film commits the cardinal sin of the action movie genre: it’s a bit on the boring side. See if desperate

Review – Fright Night

Though it didn’t make a lot of waves when it came out, this mid-budget horror movie has become something of a sleeper if not exactly a cult classic. Chris Sarandon turns in a solid if appropriately hammy performance as a smarmy vampire who moves in next door to the teenage protagonist, who in turn enlists the aid of a monster movie host (played by Roddy McDowell) in his efforts to vanquish the creature of the night. The resulting high jinks are a little on the juvenile side. Nonetheless, the movie keeps itself going with a fairly decent script and special effects that sometimes aren’t too bad for cheap latex. Overall this isn’t a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it does have its moments. Mildly amusing

Review – Raising Arizona

Though the Coen brothers made movies before this one, here’s the picture that really put them on the map. Nicolas Cage and Holly Hunter turn in career-topping performances as a childless couple who decide to start a family by swiping one of a set of quintuplets from the owner of a chain of unpainted furniture stores. Throw in a lecherous boss, a pair of old prison buddies on the lam, and the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse, and you’ve got the recipe for, well, you’ll just have to see it for yourself. The slapstick comedy and hallmark Coen strangeness make the first time a treat, and there are enough sub-references and other subtle touches to reward repeat viewings. Buy the tape

Review – Copycat

Copycat is just about right. All of this profilers-versus-serial-killers crap was done to the extent necessary and then some by Thomas Harris and Jonathan Demme. Maybe I’m just getting old or something, but the whole two-hours-of-tortured-women is really starting to wear a little thin. There’s one solid chill in this film, an odd bit of computer-borne video in which a neo-flower-child turns into a spooky skeleton. Other than that, however, this is a lot of emoting by Sigourney Weaver, Harry Connick Jr. and Holly Hunter and not a lot of anything else. Serial killer lore enthusiasts will also find the seemingly endless game of trivial pursuit more than a little tedious. See if desperate

Review – The Mummy (1999)

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s just something about this movie that doesn’t seem to work. The effects are really good, so they’re not to blame. I admit that I don’t like the horror-comedy mix, so the goofy antics stuffed in between the thrills might have been at fault, particularly when they were played in the same scenes with the scary stuff. The acting didn’t help, either; Brendan Fraser wasn’t too bad as the hero, but the heroine came across as a bargain basement Mary Poppins wannabe. The supporting cast is also rife with unpleasant ethnic stereotypes. Overall, however, this just seems to be one of those good efforts that never quite seem to come together. The DVD includes audio commentary by the director and editor, as well as an effects-info-intensive documentary and various other features. Mildly amusing

Review – The Frighteners

This was sort of a little-noticed film when it first came out, which is a shame because it’s not too bad. The effects work well with the plot, giving the audience innovative depictions of the denizens of the ghost-ridden landscape. Usually I don’t care much for attempts to mix humor and horror, but this film actually pulls it off fairly effectively (some of the jokes fall a little flat, but on the other hand some of the horror is genuinely creepy). Particularly worthy of note is the performance turned in by the latest member of the Busey clan to take up acting; Jake does a great job as the psycho from hell. And though I usually don’t care for Michael J. Fox, here he’s at least tolerable. Worth seeing

Review – Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

This episode in the series of ape movies endures as my favorite. There’s obviously a hefty dose of 70’s-era politics being injected here, with possible targets ranging to everything from race relations to animal rights to class warfare. However the more serious elements are interpreted, the real draw here is that it’s a fine if somewhat dated (the film is ostensibly set in the far-future world of 1991) specimen of the action movie. There’s something almost creepy about large parts of the drama, particularly in the riot scenes toward the end in which our latex simian heroes rise up against their cruel human masters. Heavy-handed and cheaply-produced to be sure, but still worth a look. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy (1932)

Like Todd Browning’s Dracula, this film’s spot in history is just too close to the silents for it to be very sophisticated by today’s standards. That notwithstanding, it’s got a lot going for it. For openers, Boris Karloff plays the title character, giving the role just the right morbid touches to convincingly play an undead creature imprisoned in a sarcophagus for 3,700 years. And like most of the films in the sub-genre herein originated, this movie features a lot of archaeology-related plot twists. Most of it is pretty hokey stuff, but even so it appeals to my personal preferences in horror movies. Worth seeing

Review – Embrace of the Vampire

Somewhere out there, someone has an erotic fixation on Alyssa Milano. If that person happens to be you, then this is the movie you’ve been waiting your whole life to see. There’s more Milano nudity here than you can shake a stick at. Unfortunately, that’s about all there is. The rest is just a lot of silly, pseudo-erotic rambling about an innocent young thing slowly (and I do mean slowly) seduced by a neurotic vampire (is there another kind?). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Mulan

I guess this is a step in the right direction for the Disney animation studio. Certainly this Chinese legend of a girl who pretends to be a boy so she can take her father’s place in the conscription ranks is a far cry from the women-as-helpless-victims plots of the studio’s heyday. The animation quality’s pretty good, and the comic relief (in the form of Edie Murphy lending his voice to a diminutive dragon) is actually kinda funny. Still, the most enduring memory I’ve got of this film is that when it first came out in the theaters McDonald’s had a promo tie-in where they briefly had Szechwan sauce available for McNuggets. Wow, that stuff was good! Mildly amusing

Review – In the Line of Fire

We’ve got something we call the “Malkovich role,” which is the part an actor plays when he or she seems particularly well suited to that particular role and particularly poorly suited to any other type of role. The term came into being as a result of this film, where John Malkovich plays a psycho who’s trying to assassinate the President. He’s up against Clint Eastwood as a crusty Secret Service agent and Rene Russo as the Secret Service love interest. Most of this is the usual, run-of-the-mill Eastwood action flick, but every once in awhile it has a glimmer of humor or other endearing trait. Worth seeing

Review – Surviving the Game

This abnormally stupid retelling of the trite, old “Most Dangerous Game” story features at least a couple of actors (F. Murray Abraham and Gary Busey, to be specific) who really should have known better. I guess everyone does their best with the dreadful script, but there’s just no saving this goofy tale from itself. A group of six hunters (well, five hunters and a nervous kid) coax a homeless man (Ice T) out into the wilderness and proceed to hunt him down (via ATVs, no less) like an animal. The really sad part is that the film-makers fail to take advantage of even the most obvious points in the plot where an interesting twist might have been inserted. See if desperate

Review – The Matrix

I usually don’t like to levy this particular criticism at films, because as a general principle I think it’s a reflex response commonly found in audience members with short attention spans. But let’s cut right to the chase here: this movie is way too damn long. It barely packs enough plot to sustain 90 minutes, let alone its actual length of nearly two and a half hours. The meandering “what is reality?” philosobabble that inundates most of the middle third of the film doesn’t help matters, either. When this film keeps moving it’s not too bad, but more often than not it thrashes around in techno-jargon and nonsense metaphysics. Further, genre aficionados will recognize big chunks of stolen plot from such unlikely sources as Tron, Videodrome, and at least a dozen other sci-fi and horror pictures. If you must see it, try to catch it either in the theater or in another venue with a big screen and loud speakers so the effects and soundtrack can better distract you from the cardboard dialogue and wooden acting. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning

Here’s another odd choice for a title. The beginning was four films back, and there really isn’t much here that could genuinely be considered new. The Corey Feldman character from number four returns as a disturbed teenager (played by a different actor) still pursued by the thing in the hockey mask. The nudity-to-plot ratio continues to shift in the nudity direction, and that certainly doesn’t leave much in the plot department. The production values are up a little bit. Otherwise it’s business as usual. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

Final chapter? Yeah, right. We aren’t even halfway through at this point. However, they’ve left 3D behind and spent the money on minor stars (including Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover) and more nudity than any other movie in the series to this point. The production values are up a little, but other than that it’s still more of the personality-free Jason donning his mask and going after teens. There are a few wrinkles, such as the family that lives next door to the cabin full of machete-bait. But otherwise it’s the same ol’ same ol.’ See if desperate

Review – Superman 2

Given my well-established antipathy for the whole Superman thing, what on earth would prompt me to sit through this one? Well, I wanted to see the scene in the beginning when our disco-clad super-villains get snared inside a couple of hula-hoops and then imprisoned in a giant LP slipcover from outer space (and for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure yet, accept my personal assurance that my description of the opening is neither exaggerated nor ironic). After that I guess I was just paralyzed into watching the whole rest of the grim tableaux of the Super-dude magically transforming himself into a mere mortal so he can knock boots with Lois Lane. Or at least paralysis is my story, and I’m sticking to it. Mildly amusing

Review – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

They brought in Sean Connery for this one and everything, and still it went downhill from the first two. Connery isn’t bad as the elder Dr. Jones, but the rest of the movie is a fairly brainless parade of hackneyed plot and expensive stunts. The love interest this time around was certainly a step down; of course it didn’t help that she turned out to be a Nazi. Overall the quest for the Holy Grail comes across as an attempt to recapture the pursuit of the Ark of the Covenant, an effort that falls considerably short. If you want a grail movie, rent the Monty Python version instead. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 3

The bad focus and low production values could probably be explained away as natural by-products of the slasher genre, but all those objects being thrust into the camera can only mean one thing: 3D. Sadly, that’s about all there is to this installment in the Jason saga; the rest is just teenagers having sex (after a fashion) and getting hacked up. So when you take the 3D stuff away before putting the movie on video, the only reason to watch this otherwise-forgettable chapter of the Friday the 13th series is the debut of the infamous hockey mask. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 2

Mama Voorhees’ little boy enters into his own and takes up the family business. Though his hallmark hockey mask doesn’t appear, everything else is here: Camp Crystal Lake, nubile counselor trainees, and a festival of sharp instruments. Though clearly not a shining example of the screenwriting arts, the script this time is at least a little better than the first one. The effects lag a little, but otherwise this is an acceptable choice if one is in the mood for a slasher movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Friday the 13th

Though this was a seminal work in the early days of the slasher movie, for the most part it’s fairly tame – perhaps even a bit boring – by today’s standards. Tom Savini’s high-impact gore effects still endure fairly well, but other than that the characters aren’t interesting enough nor the plot sufficiently compelling to keep today’s jaded viewers interested. Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon enthusiasts will note this as one of the actor’s earlier screen appearances, though it links the actor mostly to teen axe-murder victims who never went on to appear in anything else. Even the now-legendary Jason Voorhees is almost completely absent from the first installment in the series that made him a star. As it is, this one offers little besides clichés and a brutal snake killing. See if desperate