The subject of this evening's
meditation is Kronsteen, one of the supporting villains in From Russia
with Love (the second James Bond movie, released in 1963). He was played
by Vladek Sheybal, a slight and creepy-looking actor who in real life
was a member of the Polish resistance during World War Two.
In
the movie, Kronsteen was a chess master who moonlighted as an
operations planner for SPECTRE, the international agency of evil from
the Bond series. He designs a scheme to steal a Soviet decoding machine
and sell it to the highest bidder, tricking Bond into sneaking it out of
Istanbul.
Needless to say, the operation fails. Through
his usual blend of panache, skill and pure blind luck, Bond manages to
defeat the incompetent minions of SPECTRE field operative Rosa Klebb
(Lotte Lenya) and save the day.
Back at the evil overlord's
lair, the evil overlord calls Kronsteen and Klebb to account for the
failure. Having determined that Klebb caused the problem, overlord then has Kronsteen killed.
I first saw this movie when I was a kid,
and that moment made me extremely angry. For starters, Kronsteen was a
skinny, dark-haired, spooky-looking guy who was too smart for his own
good, which naturally meant that I identified with him. But more than
that, the guy did his job. His plan was perfect. Klebb fucked it up.
Shouldn't she be the one to get the poison boot blade to the leg?
When
I got older, I understood this a lot more. The failure was Kronsteen's
for not producing a plan that would take Klebb's failure into account.
It isn't enough to do your own job. You also have to be accountable for
the failures of the people you have to work with. Your plan isn't
perfect until it takes all possible breakdowns into account.
Plus
at that point if you're going to salvage what you can from a busted
operation you really need a field operative more than a strategy guy.
Thus Klebb has to stay in the game. Possibly unfair, but logical and practical
nonetheless.
I think more and more we're all facing our own
personal Bonds and Klebbs, “challenges” who have the devil's own luck on their
sides. There's no way to plan around them, nothing we can do that will
put contingencies in place for all the world's possible fuck-ups. And as
failure upon failure mounts up in our lives, it becomes such an
overwhelming tide of dysfunction that it's almost enough to make one
long for the sweet nepenthe of a swift poison boot blade to the leg.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
In memory of Kronsteen
Monday, September 7, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Review – Ex Machina
Friday, August 28, 2015
Review – Maggie
Somehow they’ve multiplied two positives and ended up with a negative. Schwarzenegger movies are generally lively and entertaining. Zombie movies are generally lively and entertaining. But put them together and apparently we end up with a ponderous think piece about a farmer caring for his daughter as she slowly joins the ranks of the walking dead. This amateur-hour production from a rookie director and a rookie screenwriter plays like Old Yeller if the dog was a teenage girl and also a zombie. See if desperate
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Tuesday, August 25, 2015
It’s like a whole other country
Fade in to a picnic table in the middle of a grassy park. In the
background children are playing on a seesaw. Satan is sitting at the
table, his golf shirt and casual jeans spotless and immaculately
pressed, his hair carefully sculpted to draw attention away from his
horns without completely hiding them.
Satan: Hello. You might recognize me from your children’s album covers
or perhaps my many successful business ventures and runs for public
office. I’ve bought time during the show you’re watching to talk to you
about a subject near and dear to my heart: Hell.
Cut to close-up.
Satan (continues): My home has gotten a bit of a bad rap over the years.
(Sarcastic tone) It’s a land of evil and darkness, a pit of eternal
torture, not an ideal tourist destination. The only time Hell comes up
in conversation is when the drive-thru moron who forgot your french
fries needs to be told where to go. (Sincere again) Well, I’d like you
to start seeing Hell in a whole new light.
Cut to a montage of shots from popular movies and TV shows.
Satan (voice over): Upcoming Hollywood releases. The networks’ fall
line-ups. Nearly everything on high band cable. Where do you think that
kind of quality entertainment comes from?
Cut to a montage of clips from American Idol and music industry awards shows.
Satan (voice over continues): Where would popular music be without singers who hail from my neck of the woods?
Cut to a montage of shots of well-known talk radio personalities.
Satan (voice over continues): And if the Hell border should ever close, your airwaves will fall silent in a flash.
Cut back to close-up.
Satan: So the next time you’re about to mention my home town because you
just hit your thumb with a hammer, stop and think about just how much
Hell does for you.
Super: HELL. Nor am I out of it.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
I’d walk a mile for a Morlock
Awhile back a friend was driving down Kansas Avenue when he happened to
see a Morlock driving the car next to him. Or at least he thinks it was a
Morlock. It had stringy, white hair. It had a shriveled face. It looked
like it had never seen the light of day.
Trouble was, it was smoking a cigarette.
This prompted a discussion about whether or not Morlocks smoked.
Certainly we never see them doing so at any time during the George Pal
production of The Time Machine.
But that doesn’t definitively answer the question, because all the
Morlocks we see in the movie are at work. They’re on the Eloi-boiling
production line, and of course in the food service business you can’t
smoke on the job.
Further, I’ll bet Morlock smoke breaks are short. Eloi boiling seems
like the kind of job where if you and your co-workers wander off for
even a couple of minutes that you’d have the boiling foreman all up in
your business.
“You Morlocks need to keep busy. I can’t have you Morlocks loafing off.
If the boss comes up here and sees you loafing off, he ain’t gonna yell
at you. He’s going to yell at me. So get back to work. Those Eloi ain’t gonna boil themselves.”
Thus they only get to really bust out the Winstons and relax in the car on the way home.

