Abandoned – Ghost From the Machine

The plot summary – guy tries to invent a machine to bring his parents back from the dead – sounded vaguely intriguing, but the actual movie is merely a mess of character-intensive, indie meandering. I even gave it an hour to see if it would eventually go anywhere. But then I had to pause it to deal with something else and couldn’t force myself to go back to it.

Abandoned – Howling 5: The Rebirth

If you’re gonna make a werewolf movie, you really ought to consider actually putting a werewolf or two in it. I waited patiently for half an hour before giving up.

Review – My Best Friend’s Wedding

This is the meanest romantic comedy I’ve ever seen. Julia Roberts plays a harried writer who learns that her best friend slash longtime crush is getting married, so off she goes to Chicago to thwart his plans. Predictably enough, the resulting parade of tricks and betrayal lacks sympathetic characters, clever plot twists or anything else that might merit your attention. See if desperate

Review – The Asphyx

When people know they’re going to die, spirits called Asphyxes attend their passing. A couple of gentlemen scientists figure out how to trap the things, which apparently makes them immortal as long as the trapping occurs right around a fearful passing, the right light shines on the racket-making puppet spirit and it’s locked away where the light never gets turned off. The concept is weird enough to work in a metaphysical-version-of-autoerotic-asphyxiation way, but it doesn’t survive a script packed with bad dialogue and low logic levels. Sadly, this picture will only interest you if you’re especially fond of British horror movies from the 1970s, you’ve never seen an immortal guinea pig or your ass is broken. See if desperate

Review – Half-Caste

There’s a good movie buried in here somewhere. The shape-shifters of sub-Saharan Africa have a lot of cinematic potential, some of which is realized here. The production also touches on some of the racial elements of the myth and its history. Unfortunately, rather than produce a straightforward, narrative picture, the filmmakers opt for yet another goddamn found footage reality show parade of random video crap. Sad. See if desperate

Review – The Fourth Kind

Owls that speak Sumerian are kidnapping people from Nome, Alaska. Okay, watch it yourself and then you tell me what it’s about. Space alien abductions, maybe? Rightly suspecting that this is an insane pile of boring rubbish if you don’t believe it’s closely based on something that actually happened, the filmmakers do their best to pull off an elaborate hoax. Perhaps if they’d succeeded this would have been a better movie. On the other hand, it might be silly and dull whether or not you accept it as true. See if desperate

Review – Blood Gnome

Rubber monsters need to feed on blood, their hunger satisfied by killing members of the blood fetish sub-stratum of the BDSM scene. If you’re shocked or titillated by nudity, bondage or crappy rubber puppets, then they finally made the movie you’ve been waiting for. Sadly, that’s all this picture has to offer. See if desperate