Review – Piranha

Though it would be easy to dismiss this as “Jaws Lite,” there’s actually more here than may immediately meet the eye. With John Sayles writing and Joe Dante directing, it’s fair to expect a clever twist here and there. And as expected, the subtle touches may be found aplenty. My particular favorites are the animated fish creatures toward the beginning. They play no role direct role in the plot, but they’re still kinda cool. Beyond the small stuff, this is a standard tale of science run amuck. Piranha genetically engineered by a military scientist are accidentally released into a river upstream from a summer camp and a resort, with predictable consequences. Worth seeing

Review – The Most Dangerous Game

It’s always weird to see Fay Wray in anything besides King Kong. She’s just become so heavily identified with her most famous role that it’s hard to watch her in anything else without expecting a giant ape to show up at any moment. Robert Armstrong’s appearance in a supporting role doesn’t help, either. At least here we have the advantage of a familiar story. A young, well-to-do big game hunter survives a shipwreck to become the prisoner of a madman who amuses himself by hunting humans. Our hero actually seems to learn something from the ensuing pursuit, at one point remarking that now he understands what his former quarry must have felt like. Well, if he’s going to take a lesson away from the experience (and presumably teach the audience a thing or two in the process), that helps justify the parade of clichés we have to sit through in the process. Mildly amusing

Review – Reign of the Gargoyles

When I was a kid I used to absolutely love Weird War comics. That mix of combat and horror suited my tastes to a T. Even this far into my adulthood I’m still more than a little bit of a sap for this kind of thing. As a result, I probably liked this tale of gargoyles unleashed by the Nazis a bit more than I should have. To be sure, it has some weak points. The story sometimes digresses into the kind of character-development backwaters common in two-fisted tales of manly deeds. As usual, that’s completely unwelcome in a production that is for the most part content to thrive on war and horror movie clichés. And the special effects are strictly Xbox. However, the premise is bush-league clever and the telling of the tale is not without charms. As long as one doesn’t come in expecting too much, it’s possible to emerge entertained. Mildly amusing

Review – Mansquito

Yep, this is really just as bad as it sounds like it would be. If it ever had a chance to not suck – and that’s a big “if” – that opportunity is swiftly squandered on a script so terrible that Ed Wood himself could have written it. Quick sample: “He’s more mosquito than man now.” The “he” in this equation is an escaped convict who gets bitten by radioactive, chemically-mutated mosquitoes, which of course makes him mutate into, well, a mansquito. Sadly for our hero cop protagonist, a similar fate befalls his scientist girlfriend, though her slower rate of transformation prevents her from becoming a full-blown chicksquito before the dramatic bug-zapper conclusion to the tale. At least they managed to avoid a few obvious bug jokes, so no warding off the monster using giant cans of Off or swatting him with a giant swatter. See if desperate

Review – Locusts: The 8th Plague

Here we have one of these wonderful scripts in which almost every plot twist, every character motivation, is almost completely implausible. My personal favorite was the part where the killer, carnivorous locusts pass up the hero and the love interest because they eat only organic food. Heck, this trend starts with the title itself. The whole flesh-eating bugs thing is ostensibly a reference to a passage from the Book of Revelation, but of course the “8th plague” thing would be an Exodus … wait a minute. Am I really arguing theology with a stupid bug movie from the Sci Fi Channel? All that really needs to be said here is that if you want a stupid bug movie then you’re in the right place. See if desperate

Review – 12 Years a Slave

This is even more depressing than the title implies, which is saying something. Nobody other than traitor-rag-waving dumbasses thinks slavery was a good thing. But this is a couple of hours of unrelenting misery. If you feel the need to get really pissed off about social injustice, this should get your motor running. Mildly amusing

Review – Mean Streets

I expect that in 1973 this was some cutting edge stuff. It’s nearly two hours of almost completely plot-free macho posturing. Clearly the theme of the evening is gritty urban realism, but if Little Italy is really like this all the time, they should build a wall around it so it can’t make the rest of New York City any worse than it already is. Harvey Keitel turns in a solid performance as our hapless hero Charlie, a man caught between his basic inclination to be a decent human being with some buddies and a girlfriend and his apparent duty to adhere to the moral code of the testosterone-driven, micro-fascist, small-time mob underworld. More significantly, Robert De Niro here teams up with Martin Scorsese for the first time. He plays Johnny Boy, Charlie’s goofy-yet-vicious friend, a ne’er-do-well intent on going down and taking everyone else with him. Scorsese’s directing is simultaneously innovative and irritating, particularly his excessive use of lengthy, hand-held tracking shots. Overall this isn’t a terrible production, but just a few years later a lot of the cast and crew would re-unite for a much better movie: Taxi Driver. Mildly amusing