Review – Dead and Buried

Writers Donald Shusett and Dan O'Bannon must have really shot their load on Alien, because all they had left for this pedestrian picture was enough for a run-of-the-mill creepy town tale. The local sheriff tries to figure out why strangers keep disappearing in friendly little Potters Bluff, why they later reappear as townspeople and why nobody else seems to notice anything amiss. Stan Winston contributes some reasonably good gore effects, but they're largely wasted on a boring story. See if desperate

Pay attention

Sorry to be gone so long. Truth is, with my first going-somewhere vacation in eight years and the heat making it hard to work after we got back, there hasn't been a lot to report.

However, yesterday during an 8sails staff lunch we floated the idea of Getting Rich and Quitting Our Day Jobs by starting a reality show called "Pay Attention to Me." Contestants will face an American-Idol-esque panel of judges, and all they'll need to do to win is get the trio to pay attention to them for five minutes. Anything short of physical contact with the judges is allowed, but if anyone's attention drifts the buzzer sounds.

I want to be the Simon Cowell judge.

SeacrestBotMark7: Bryan, what did you think of that performance?

Me: What? Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.

Buzzzzzz!

Anyone who survives the first round goes on to Level Two. This time the judges have their cell phones with them, so the acts must compete with incoming calls, texts, chat notices, pushes and various and sundry other 21st century interruptions.

If this show turns out to be the success we're hoping for, the spin-off will follow the same format only with a panel of teenagers for judges. This one will be called "So You Want to Be a Teacher."

Review – Uncle Sam

Yet again they've spent a chunk of change (not Hollywood blockbuster money but still not exactly cheap) to make a movie guaranteed to alienate just about every potential audience member. The body of a soldier killed in Kuwait is helpfully deposited in the living room of his widow's sister, where his nephew develops an unhealthy (could there be another kind?) obsession with opening the coffin. Once released from its box, the crispy zombie dons an Uncle Sam outfit and goes on a killing rampage. His targets: liberals of any kind. Draft dodgers. Sleazy politicians. Crooked lawyers. Flag burners. Dope smoking teens. He'll teach them not to hate America! Oh, but then it turns out that the zombie was a wife-beating asshole before he died (as opposed to the serial-killing zombie sweetheart he became after death). So this should appeal exclusively to the ultra-conservative, pro-spouse-abuse, pro-serial-killing zombie fans. If that's you, enjoy. Wish I'd skipped it

Review – The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu

Lovecraftiana gets an Office Space comedy makeover. I should have hated this. And to be honest, the second half does lose focus and start to drag a bit. But wow, what a start. As much as I hate horror comedy in general and "disrespectful" overhauls of Lovecraft in particular, I should never have started watching this. So I was completely shocked to find myself laughing at many of the jokes and at least not hating the monsters. The picture tells the story of the last living (obviously non-lineal) descendant of H.P. Lovecraft who must give up his life as a cube warrior and prevent Cthulhu from rising to destroy the earth. The script – aided by clever animation and passable creature effects – smoothly combines snarky humor with apocalyptic doom and occasional gore to truly good effect. Worth seeing

Review – The Crow: Wicked Prayer

So let me make sure I've got this straight. This is a movie based on a novel based on characters from a series based on a comic book? I liked the original picture near the bottom of that heap, but somewhere between there and here I should have gotten off the bus. Edward Furlong is particularly ridiculous in the lead role, looking less like an avenging spirit and more like a surly counter girl at an indie record store. When Tara Reid turns in the best performance of the picture, you know the overall experience was wicked bad. Verdict: see if desperate

Review – Subspecies

I dunno. Some crap about a vampire fighting with his can-pass-for-human brother over some kind of a rock full of blood (disproving the old adage, I suppose). Script that kills time. Actresses willing to take their shirts off for the camera. What else could a 12-year-old boy want? Wish I'd skipped it

Review – Waxwork

My favorite part of this movie was the scene in which a maid struggles to write a college term paper foisted upon her by the jerkweed kid of the family she works for. What she comes up with ("I think dictators are the bad men") is far more entertaining than anything else in the picture. The rest of it is some mish-mash about a wax museum full of exhibits that need to imprison victims in order for a terrible evil to be unleashed upon humanity. See if desperate