Review – The Accidental Tourist

I can’t say if it was subtle differences between the book and the movie, the passage of time between the two experiences or some other less tangible factor, but I didn’t like the movie anywhere near as much as I liked the book. The characters’ quirks seemed superficial rather than genuine. William Hurt was particularly awful. He’s proven on any number of occasions that he can plan an emotionally distant man, but when he’s called upon to let the wall drop and show some feeling, he looks more as if he’s having a particularly unpleasant hemorrhoidal flare-up. Nor can he make the slightest emotional connection with either fellow Body Heat alum Kathleen Turner as his estranged wife or Geena Davis as his wacky would-be girlfriend. Thus what in the book was a charming little story about an author who writes travel guides for people who hate to travel becomes a muddled mess of a motion picture. See if desperate

Review – Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan

Of all the Star Trek movies, this is the only one with a plot that directly depends on one of the episodes of the original TV series. Ricardo “Mr. Rourke” Montalban’s superman character returns to seek revenge on Captain Kirk for stranding him on a dying planet many years earlier. Though the effects are a little primitive by today’s standards, much of it still holds up; a particular crowd favorite is the earwig sequence. Of course it’s amazing that between Montalban and William Shatner there’s any scenery left at the end of the picture. And the whole subplot with the genesis thing and Kirk’s son just goes nowhere and detracts from the more interesting dramatic points. All that notwithstanding, there have been plenty worse Star Trek movies. Mildly amusing

Review – The Devil's Bride

How can this much devil conjurin’ be this deadly dull? Christopher Lee turns in a rare performance as a good guy, an expert on the occult trying to keep a handful of friends from falling into the clutches of a Satanist circle. The struggle that ensues is clogged with so much silly mumbo jumbo that it’s impossible to take seriously. This might have worked as an episode in a half-hour-format horror series for television, but as a feature-length production it doesn’t make it. See if desperate

Review – Let’s Kill Uncle

Before Uncle kills us. This silly little William Castle production pits a couple of bratty kids against the genteel uncle who wants to kill them so he can inherit his nephew’s fortune. The kids are so obnoxious that I found myself hoping the old guy would get them. This is one of those movies that appear not to have been made for an audience. The plot is too stupid for anyone over the age of 12 or so. For example, one of the picture’s big menaces is a shark that somehow manages to thrive in the weed-clogged swimming pool of an old hotel. And there’s too much murder – or at least attempted murder – for the younger set. As an entry in a William Gaines comic this would have worked well, but it doesn’t function as a movie. See if desperate

Review – 12 Monkeys

Though this is nowhere near Terry Gilliam’s worst effort, it’s still considerably longer and less interesting than the experimental short upon which it’s based. A hapless mook (Bruce Willis) from the future travels back to the early 1990s in search of a cure for a plague that will eventually devastate the human race. In the past – where unsurprisingly he’s taken for a nut – he falls in love with his shrink (Madeline Stowe) and meets a fellow mental patient (Brad Pitt) who may be responsible for bringing about the looming apocalypse. Pitt turns in an entertaining – if over-the-top – performance, and some of the effects are mid-budget good. But the plot bogs down in several spots as the characters slowly tumble to realizations the audience figured out some time ago. The result is uneven, the natural product of making a two-hour production out of a ten-minute movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Daughters of Satan

This pack is lucky to have a father as merciful as Satan. If I’d been their dad, I would have drowned them at birth. This joint United States and Philippines production thoroughly humiliates a young Tom Selleck, who plays a man with amazingly terrible taste in art. He purchases a painting – the likes of which nobody would even bother to paint on the side of a van – of three witches being burned at the stake by the Inquisition, the draw being the middle victim’s resemblance to his wife. So it’s his bad luck that in addition to having one of his walls marred by this travesty it also turns out to be a gateway that allows the local “Satanites” entry to his home. Some of the cult’s rituals come across as torture porn before there even was such a thing, but otherwise this picture is undistinguished from every other bad horror movie from the 1970s. See if desperate

Review – Jabberwocky

This early Terry Gilliam production is typical of the director’s work. He starts out with a good – or at least interesting – intention: trashing the fairytale fantasy genre. Unfortunately, another typical trait emerges: Gilliam’s tendency to be really really annoying. As the monstrous Jabberwocky terrorizes the countryside, a bumpkin (Michael Palin) journeys to the castle in search of work. Along the way he encounters an astounding parade of filth and misfortune. Particularly noteworthy is the huge collection of urination and defecation scenes. This movie has enough excreting to balance out every movie ever made that doesn’t feature any at all. And most of the rest of the humor is on par with that. Though on an intellectual level this could have been a clever jab at a deserving target, the production depends too heavily on childish physical humor to succeed. See if desperate