Review – Expelled

Let me start by saying something nice: this movie does raise at least some legitimate concerns about the role of cultural conflict in the proper exercise of academic freedom. Colleges and universities shouldn’t permit the whole “liberal versus conservative” thing to play any part one way or another in decisions about research, tenure and the like. And if it had stopped there, it might have been worth a look. But of course it doesn’t stop there. Fans of Michael Moore should be forced to watch this picture just so they can see what it feels like to be the target of this kind of irrational name calling thinly disguised as documentary film-making. The sight of Ben Stein getting all watery-eyed in front of a statue of Charles Darwin – after comparing the scientist to Adolph Hitler – is a grim reminder of just how out of control this kind of crap has gotten. See if desperate

Review – In the Valley of Elah

I need to add Paul Haggis to the list of “directors to avoid” next to M. Night Shyamalan. Crash was bad enough, but now he’s trying his hand at murder mystery. One of the things that make this so spectacularly unsuccessful is Haggis’s inability to put a story together. A big part of the fun of mysteries is joining the characters’ quest to figure out what’s going on. And that’s annoyingly impossible when one can’t distinguish between genuine clues, intentional red herrings, and illogical gimmicks intended solely to tuck a few boob shots into the picture. Tommy Lee Jones stars as a crusty ex-Army cop trying to shed some light on the circumstances surrounding the death of his son. To be fair, the picture does make some good points about the damage wars can do to the emotional lives of the young people who fight in them. But Haggis goes about his task in such an ass-backwards way that it’s hard to side with him even when he’s right. See if desperate

Review – The Spiderwick Chronicles

Though this is a pretty blatant attempt to surf the Harry Potter / Chronicles of Narnia wave, it isn’t entirely unsuccessful. The story is entertaining without being too challenging. Three kids and their newly-separated mom move into an inherited house in the country only to find that it’s a hotbed of brownies, fairies, goblins and trolls. The production design owed a good deal to Brian Froud, though I didn’t notice his name in the credits. Overall this was a reasonable use of a mid-to-high production budget. Mildly amusing

Review – The Other Boleyn Girl

Who knew there was an intersection between Masterpiece Theatre and Jerry Springer? Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Eric Bana, expensive costumes and gold-filtered lighting combine to make this a very pretty movie. Visual appeal aside, however, this picture portrays Anne Boleyn as a scheming tart from ye olde trailer park who schemes to bring about the Protestant Reformation just to get back at her sister for beating her in the race for Henry 8’s bed. The movie attempts to make a point about the evils of a society that forces women to use their sexuality in order to gain power over men. But then the only character who gets a happy ending is the only woman who meekly submits to the whims of men without a single complaint. Sexual politics aside, however, this is entertaining in a “yo monarch nasty” sort of way. Mildly amusing

Review – Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

This picture ping-pongs back and forth between self-consciously precious and uncomfortably depressing. Dustin Hoffman (when’s the last time this guy wasn’t annoying?) stars as the enigmatic owner of a magical toy store. After he forms an intent to die a cutesy death, he preps his assistant (Natalie Portman) to take over the joint. The movie’s relentless embrace-your-inner-child theme has been done to much better effect in other pictures. To be sure, this has a moment or two of visual entertainment. But after an hour and a half of this sort of thing, it’s less like eating a nice piece of pie and more like having a pie rubbed in your face. See if desperate

Review – The Untold

This should indeed have gone untold. Lance Henriksen picks up a paycheck for playing a millionaire who hires an eclectic expedition to search the backwoods for a crashed plane and his missing daughter (three months after the plane went down, no less). Naturally they soon find themselves menaced by an exceptionally pissed off Bigfoot. The acting is lackluster, the script ridiculous and the story implausible at best. The picture also gives up a star for the brutal, unnecessary killing of a bear. But the real idiot prize winner here has to be the editing. At first I thought maybe it was odd because it had been butchered for broadcast. But no, it swiftly became apparent that it had been deliberately put together in a manner so awkward that it looks as if it were assembled by someone who had never seen a movie before and tried running the bench with his elbows. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Scared to Death

Bored to death is more like it. Seriously, just how scary is a floating blue mask supposed to be? This is yet another one of those awful hack jobs that Bela Lugosi specialized in after his studio career ended. The only real difference between this and the notorious work he did with Ed Wood is that this one is shot in “Natural Color,” a process that produces an effect somewhere between finger paints and black light posters from stoners’ dorm room walls. See if desperate