Review – The Dark Crystal

If you’re in the mood for some goofy, muppet-intensive fantasy nonsense, well, then you’re in the right place. For the most part the plot here (the usual screed about the forces of good and evil struggling over a crystal that controls the universe) serves as little more than an excuse to string together sets and effects inspired by the artwork of Brian Froud. Downsides include the protagonists (imagine Jon Bon Jovi and Stevie Nicks done up as hobbit puppets and you’ve got the general idea) and Jim Henson Productions’ struggles to distance themselves from Sesame Street by including an inordinate amount of brutal violence. As a result, the production gets wedged into the awkward spot that exists somewhere between “too intense for most pre-teens” and “too muppet-filled for most everyone else.” Mildly amusing

Review – The Curse of the Werewolf

At least a couple of critics have identified this as the greatest werewolf movie ever made, but frankly I just don’t see it. I suppose it’s probably the hands-down winner for most elaborate explanation for why the protagonist is a werewolf: his mother, who was mute, was raped by a lunatic in prison, and then her son was born on Christmas. So every time our hero tastes blood and/or becomes sexually aroused while the moon is full he turns into a wolf, or if not a wolf then at least something that looks vaguely like it might be marching across the floor of Madison Square Garden during the yappy dog division of the Westminster Kennel Club competition. Oliver Reed takes the lead with his usual aplomb, exploring his full range of mugs that make him look as if he’s ready to either transform into a ravening beast or uncork an explosive bowel movement. I guess I’ve seen worse werewolves, but this one still does too much to bring the word “dog” to mind. Mildly amusing

Review – The Runestone

Quick hint for low-budget horror directors: when your rubber monster suit is as cheap as the one in this movie, don’t spend anywhere near as much time as this movie does with the monster on screen and well-lit. The latex were-creature in this go-around is some sort of a Norse demon whose re-appearance after an extended dormant period is somehow heralded by the unearthing of a rune-covered rock (hence the title) and facilitated by the owner of the rock, who becomes the monster. Though the creature used to do battle with great Viking warriors, in modern society it appears to be satisfied with dogs, bums and art posers. I suppose I should give the screenwriter at least a little credit for trying to come up with a clever script, but most of the dialogue flops so badly that I can’t extend much more than an E for effort. Acting-wise, I’d expect the likes of Alexander Godunov to show up in crap like this, but poor Peter Riegert (who plays a wise-cracking cop) actually used to be able to get decent roles in real movies. See if desperate

Review – Rules of Engagement

If you liked A Few Good Men, then like as not you’ll also enjoy this macho military mouthpiece movie. This time around a grizzled old Marine Corps lawyer (Tommy Lee Jones) is defending an old buddy (Samuel L. Jackson) against charges that he ordered his troops to open fire on unarmed civilians. I won’t presume to second-guess the morality of the notion that all Yemenis – even children – are secretly agents of an anti-American jihad, nor should I question the wisdom of shooting non-combatants and prisoners of war. However, even if such issues are set aside this picture still comes up wanting. Even if the characters are morally right, they’re still not all that sympathetic. The sinister government conspiracy to frame Jackson’s character is cartoonish at best. And at the conclusion of the drama far too many loose ends are cleared up via recourse to reassuring text overlays. So overall this is a vaguely entertaining but poorly crafted and morally questionable production. Mildly amusing

Review – The Outrage

Well, I wouldn’t go that far. In fact, parts of this movie aren’t too bad. The concept is less than original; though this isn’t a perfect shot-for-shot recreation of Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon in an Old West setting, it is pretty darn close. So the production can borrow at least a little of the brilliance of the original. Further, the cast is hard to beat. Paul Newman, Laurence Harvey and Claire Bloom play the ill-fated trio that make up the central cast, and supporting actors include Edward G. Robinson and William Shatner. I derived particular pleasure from watching Newman struggle not only with the challenges of playing a Hispanic character but also trying to imitate Toshiro Mifune at the same time. If you haven’t seen either one, I’d start with the original if I were you. But this makes an entertaining if somewhat cheap follow-up. Mildly amusing

Review – Faust: Love of the Damned

Every once in awhile the power fails in the neighborhood surrounding the Movie Elements Mega Mart. On such occasions, bad movies immediately arrive on the scene, throw a trash can through the plate glass window in front, and go “shopping.” Most of these cheap looters just grab the first couple of things they can get their hands on and then dash off into the night. But every once in awhile we run up against a real pro, the kind of movie that grabs a shopping cart and goes to town. This particular effort grabbed a big box of Spawn and a jumbo-sized bag of The Crow. Then it sped over to the props aisle and tossed in a package of X-Men. On the way out, it snagged a host of minor plot and character elements from the impulse buy rack. And at that point it was content. The most original part of the whole darn thing was Jeffrey Combs getting to play a character that wasn’t a nerdy, creepy loner. There’s a chunk o’ nudity (some of it tied to some really stunted sexuality) and some bush-league gore for the easily amused, but otherwise this outing’s thoroughly missable. See if desperate

Review – Wolf

What a thoroughly modern werewolf we have on our hands here. Jack Nicholson plays a book editor suffering from a serious case of the mid-life-phased-out-at-work-and-cuckolded-at-home blues. Fortunately for him, he gets bit by a werewolf and ends up with a serious case of lycanthropy. In high men’s movement style, the process of getting back in touch with the beast within empowers our aging hero to triumph at work, dump his cheating spouse and go after the enigmatic daughter (Michelle Pfeiffer) of his boss. He’d really have it made if only he hadn’t bit his young rival from the office. As much as I generally like werewolf movies, this one simply had too much mid-life-crisis nonsense in it. If they’d just dropped the pop psychology and let Nicholson transform and chew the scenery at will, this might have been a much better movie. Mildly amusing