Review – Alien: Romulus

This is like a video game constructed of random elements from other parts of the Alien franchise, only it’s a movie. So if you’re easily entertained by inside jokes, prepare to be easily entertained. I found it tedious and in places difficult to follow. Weak bits include Ian Holm digitally back from the dead and a character whose British accent - apropos of nothing - is so thick he’s hard to understand. The effects are good, but the same can’t be said for anything else. See if desperate

Review – Salem’s Lot (2024)

Why is this story so damn hard to turn into a movie? Tobe Hooper’s miniseries from 1979 was okay, but it could easily have been improved upon. Yet here’s another failure to do so. This production manages an occasional scare, but otherwise it’s as dull as the 2004 remake (though thankfully not as terrible as the 1987 sequel). Mildly amusing

Review – Charlie Says

In my review of a screen adaptation of Lizzie Borden’s story, I expressed the wish that someone would make a version of her tale in which she isn’t actually the killer. My aspiration for Manson murder movies is the opposite: just once I’d like to see the story told as if everyone who showed up for the killing spree was in fact guilty as charged (or not charged, in the case of Linda Kassabian). This time around it’s a version that might as well have been written by Leslie Van Houten’s parole hearing lawyers. Beyond that, this is standard fare. Charlie (Matt Smith) acts crazy. The girls fall for it. People die. Years later, a teacher tries to help the imprisoned killers make sense of it all. Mildly amusing

Review – Six Minutes to Midnight

Eddie Izzard stars as a new teacher at a British boarding school for the daughters of German diplomats and businessmen. It’s his bad timing to show up right as World War Two is getting started. The storytelling includes enough wit, intrigue and suspense to keep it from being a tween version of Eye of the Needle. Mildly amusing

Review – The Lamp

Back in the days before internet porn, nudity must have been regarded as enough to make a movie interesting. So now there’s pretty much nothing at all. The story is some nonsense about an evil spirit and a lamp, but the production values, script and acting are all so terrible that it’s hard to follow - let alone care about - the plot. If you have a craving for low budget horror from the 1980s, this will do as well as anything else. See if desperate

Review – Death on the Nile (1978)

Agatha Christie had a gift for crafting stories with more than one interesting character, which makes her a natural source for ensemble casting like this. Famous faces from the 1970s (and earlier) perform this familiar piece of complicated skullduggery. Mildly amusing

Review – The Evils Surrounding Elvis

Because “The Dumbasses Surrounding Elvis” wouldn’t have been a clever anagram? Yeah, dating underage girls is plenty creepy. The rest of this is run-of-the-mill behavior, especially for a wealthy man who could afford to indulge his vices with the assistance of a coterie of sycophants. Nor is any of this new information. See if desperate

Review – Airport

I’ve seen the parody version of this several times, but this was my first experience with the actual movie. As terrible as it is, I’m surprised anyone aspired to top its own sense of self-parody. Some good actors (and some wretchedly bad ones) are squandered on an awful script with entirely too many subplots and a crisis precipitated by a ludicrous combination of circumstances. See if desperate

Review – Mary Queen of Scots

I suppose there’s no way (or at least no way I’ve seen to date) to do a neutral job of telling the stories of the title subject and her rival, the Queen of England. As the name implies, this one depicts Mary (Saoirse Ronan) as super awesome in every way and Elizabeth (Margot Robie) as jealous, vindictive and paranoid. The cinematography’s good, as are the costumes. Mildly amusing