Review – Alien: Romulus

This is like a video game constructed of random elements from other parts of the Alien franchise, only it’s a movie. So if you’re easily entertained by inside jokes, prepare to be easily entertained. I found it tedious and in places difficult to follow. Weak bits include Ian Holm digitally back from the dead and a character whose British accent - apropos of nothing - is so thick he’s hard to understand. The effects are good, but the same can’t be said for anything else. See if desperate

Review – Salem’s Lot (2024)

Why is this story so damn hard to turn into a movie? Tobe Hooper’s miniseries from 1979 was okay, but it could easily have been improved upon. Yet here’s another failure to do so. This production manages an occasional scare, but otherwise it’s as dull as the 2004 remake (though thankfully not as terrible as the 1987 sequel). Mildly amusing

Review – Charlie Says

In my review of a screen adaptation of Lizzie Borden’s story, I expressed the wish that someone would make a version of her tale in which she isn’t actually the killer. My aspiration for Manson murder movies is the opposite: just once I’d like to see the story told as if everyone who showed up for the killing spree was in fact guilty as charged (or not charged, in the case of Linda Kassabian). This time around it’s a version that might as well have been written by Leslie Van Houten’s parole hearing lawyers. Beyond that, this is standard fare. Charlie (Matt Smith) acts crazy. The girls fall for it. People die. Years later, a teacher tries to help the imprisoned killers make sense of it all. Mildly amusing

Review – The Evils Surrounding Elvis

Because “The Dumbasses Surrounding Elvis” wouldn’t have been a clever anagram? Yeah, dating underage girls is plenty creepy. The rest of this is run-of-the-mill behavior, especially for a wealthy man who could afford to indulge his vices with the assistance of a coterie of sycophants. Nor is any of this new information. See if desperate

Review – Airport

I’ve seen the parody version of this several times, but this was my first experience with the actual movie. As terrible as it is, I’m surprised anyone aspired to top its own sense of self-parody. Some good actors (and some wretchedly bad ones) are squandered on an awful script with entirely too many subplots and a crisis precipitated by a ludicrous combination of circumstances. See if desperate

Review – Mary Queen of Scots

I suppose there’s no way (or at least no way I’ve seen to date) to do a neutral job of telling the stories of the title subject and her rival, the Queen of England. As the name implies, this one depicts Mary (Saoirse Ronan) as super awesome in every way and Elizabeth (Margot Robie) as jealous, vindictive and paranoid. The cinematography’s good, as are the costumes. Mildly amusing

Review – Late Night with the Devil

Serious third act problems. The set up here has potential: a struggling talk show tries to boost ratings by featuring a guest who’s possessed by a demon. The making-it-look-like-archive-video approach is clever and entertaining. Even when the “commercial breaks” give way to less realistic behind-the-scenes footage, the story still holds together. But after the demon puts in a hypnosis-induced appearance, they don’t seem to know where to go from there. Mildly amusing

Review – Invaders from Mars (1986)

Tobe Hooper directs this stiff remake of the semi-famous sci fi classic. Aside from occasional nods to the original, this one doesn’t have much going for it. The acting is stiff (surprising considering there are some talented people in the cast). Some of the effects are fun in a pre-CGI sort of way. See if desperate

Review – Hold Your Breath

If the movie had been half as good as the concept, this would have been one of the year’s best. The inherent creepiness of rural isolation has been used to good effect in other horror movies, and dust storms add another scary element. Though the result here isn’t terrible, it would have worked better if the supernatural-or-insane ambiguity had been more effective or at least a little less drawn out. Mildly amusing

Review – Very Frightening Tales

So this is where D listers go to bury their careers. Eric Roberts, Sally Struthers, Martin Sheen’s brother, all somehow got roped into appearing in YouTube-worthy shorts mashed together into this sad excuse for a horror anthology piece. This time around I can’t even dish out an E for effort. The writing, directing and acting are all too terrible. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Nightmare Alley (2021)

This remake of an old noir classic gets off to a good start. The protagonist is sympathetic and his story’s fairly interesting while he’s getting his start as a grifter in a carnival sideshow. But when he breaks into the big time, the plot turns stale and the production starts relying heavily on art direction to keep things compelling. To be sure, the sets and costumes are good. They just aren’t quite enough to breathe life into the trite tale of a good man gone bad. See if desperate

Review – Satan Wants You

This documentary does a solid job of uncovering the roots of the “Satanic panic” of the 1980s, a time when a fraudulent “memoir” called Michelle Remembers convinced gullible evangelicals that the world was beset by a vast army of child-murdering Satanists. The whole thing would be funny if it hadn’t served as an excuse to ruin a lot of innocent people’s lives. The production also does a good job of reminding viewers about how often the perpetrators of this sort of thing are truly awful people. Mildly amusing

Review – The First Omen

Satan certainly has complicated relationships with his baby mamas. And of course getting a conspiracy within the Catholic church involved doesn’t exactly make things simpler. Overall it’s a different look and feel from the first entry in the Omen series, which is a shame. Mildly amusing

Review – The Boogeyman (2023)

KC and the Sunshine Band gets stiffed again, as does anyone hoping that this will be an exception to the general rule that movie adaptations of Stephen King’s stories stink. Sisters find themselves isolated and disbelieved when a shadows-dwelling beast starts stalking them. Mildly amusing

Review – Immaculate

It’s odd that this spent years in preproduction limbo and yet still manages to come across as a mockbuster version of the slapdash prequel to The Omen. Sydney Sweeney fans fear not; she plays a nun, but that’s no deterrent to nude scenes. They try to turn things arty with an extremely long take toward the end, but otherwise this is a run-of-the-mill tale of demonic impregnation. See if desperate

Awkward Batman #26

At this point I feel like the Joker speaks for all of us.

 

Awkward Batman #25

One thing I've noticed about Batman's villains is that they're often more sympathetic than their wealthy vigilante opponent. In particular, the Scarecrow really speaks to me in this case.

 

 

Awkward Batman #24

And here's one to remind you not to forget me! [PUNCH] And here's one so you won't not forget to not remember me! [PUNCH] And here's one so you won't not remember to not forget me! [PUNCH] And here's one so ... oh dude, are you dead?

 

Awkward Batman #23

Eh, I’ve had worse bosses. 

 

Besides, this guy spent the whole story ending every sentence with “See” like some crappy Edward G. Robinson ripoff, so honestly he has it coming.

 

Awkward Batman #22

Another multiple choice question. Which of the following is the best caption for this panel?

 

A. "Robin hits the bad guys with an oar."

 

B. Trick question. As this is obviously a picture of Robin hitting the bad guys with an oar, no caption is needed.

 

C. This:

 

Awkward Batman #21

This one isn’t particularly hilarious. I'm just posting it in the hope that “splub” can somehow make its way into common usage.

 

Awkward Batman #20

I feel like any attempt to provide context would diminish the experience.

Awkward Batman #19

In context, gangsters have taken over the town and replaced the real cops. Still ...

 

Awkward Batman #18

Our second motto is “never be helpful to those who don’t need help.”

Our third motto is “exercise caution when determining who does and doesn’t need help.”

And honestly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg here. 

Be a “Robin Regular” by being regular?

Nationalism?

Review – Napoleon (2023)

With Joaquin Phoenix in the title role, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the story centers around Napoleon’s various neuroses (especially his peculiar relationship with Josephine). They spent a lot of money making this, which at least makes it a pretty mess. See if desperate

Awkward Batman #17

So like what? A dentist? An accountant? An interior decorator? An elementary school teacher with some thoughts on how to punctuate sentences?

 

Awkward Batman #16

So Batman intends to kidnap the Joker and have him lobotomized? Honestly sometimes I wonder about the distinctions between heroes and villains.

 

 PS: Slugs and snails are after me. DDT keeps me happy. I guess now it's time to tell 'em that I've got no cerebellum.

Awkward Batman #15

As someone who’s spent most of his life in academe in one way or another, I can assure you that there’s absolutely no such thing as “too boring to get tenure.”

Awkward Batman #14

Not a cigar. Also probably not a bong.

Awkward Batman #13

One convention down, one to go.

Awkward Batman #12

Did Batman just make a poop joke?

Awkward Batman #11

This is:

A. Completely unnecessary dialogue

B. A completely unnecessary caption

C. Both A and B

 

Awkward Batman #10

Be careful, Weasel. If you keep talking nonsense like that, you might end up as President of the United States.

Awkward Batman #9

So had Bob Kane seriously never seen a picture of a wolf? That looks more like the Monk is turning into a were-wolverine.

 

Review – Raise the Titanic

This was released several years before the actual Titanic was located, so just finding it would have been enough drama all by itself. Raising it from the bottom of the ocean would have been the icing on the cake (if not overkill). But as this is a Clive Cussler story, naturally it also has to involve secret agents and a radioactive MacGuffin needed to power an SDI anti-missile system. Not to mention recurring Cussler character Dirk Pitt, who’s clearly being sold to the audience via multiple repetitions of his name (if you made it into a drinking game you’d die) in an effort to turn him into a James-Bond-esque franchise character. Despite the plot holes big enough to drive an SSBN through, it’s an entertaining bit of dated international intrigue. Mildly amusing

Review – H.H. Holmes: Origial Evil

Yes boys and girls, if you can download public domain and royalty free video clips and reword a couple of Wikipedia entries, your project can show up on Amazon Prime Video. The result features a lot of silent movie clips that have nothing at all to do with the narrative. It also spends a bizarrely long time covering the crimes of Jack the Ripper before making the obvious point that Holmes couldn’t possibly have committed them. Not for the first time, I found myself wondering about the distinction between a wealthy and powerful content provider that carefully curates its offerings and YouTube except you’re paying for it. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Trump Prophecy

A firefighter with PTSD has nightmares about demons and then receives a revelation that God has ordained Donald Trump to be President. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding. Avoid at all costs

Awkward Batman #8

This is the first time in the story that anyone mentioned vampires, so I feel like Occam's razor might have steered me in another direction. In Batman's defense, he turns out to be right.

 

Awkward Batman #7

Batman never goes back for this guy. I imagine his skeleton still perched up there 80 years later.

 

Awkward Batman #6

"I don't think they wanted me to talk really. I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun, the swines." - Group Captain Lionel Mandrake

 

Awkward Batman #5

Batman cleverly rhymes “blue” and “blue.”

Awkward Batman #4

“Just so we’re clear, I said ‘good evening’ because that’s what people say when greeting each other in the evening. I don’t actually want you to have a good evening. In fact I plan to punch you really hard, so that isn’t going to be good for you at all.”

Also, is Batman wearing an exam glove? That adds an extra layer of awkwardness.

Review – Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

I was going to mock this production by simply summarizing its plot, demonstrating that it was clearly created for (if not in fact by) fidgety five year olds. But honestly it was too convoluted even for that. The story – to the extent there even is one – depends a lot on previous entries in the series. But If elaborate, expensive effects are enough to keep you happy for a couple of hours, you’re in business. See if desperate

Awkward Batman #3

And that’s how Dr. Trent lost his job with the Budapest Chamber of Commerce.

Awkward Batman #2

Dude, work on your excuses.

Awkward Batman #1

I’ve been reading a collection of old Batman comics, and I’ve noticed that some of the panels are … well … a little awkward. Especially taken out of context more than 80 years later.

 

 

Review – Oppenheimer

The story of one of the fathers of the atomic bomb gets thoroughly Christopher-Nolan-ized. The director’s various conceits – particularly his love of ping-ponging back and forth in the timeline – transform the fascinating story of one of the most important moments in 20th century history into a dull, three-hour trudge. See if desperate

Review – Downwind

This documentary about nuclear fallout takes an excellent first step and then falls flat on its face. Obviously the real tragedy of the government’s testing of atomic weapons is its deadly effect on anyone unfortunate enough to be downwind when radioactive debris falls back to earth. If they had to pick just one group of victims, it makes perfect sense to start with the indigenous people who were removed from their own land and then irradiated where they were forced to settle. But from there the production moves on to other casualties – particularly the Hollywood folk who worked on The Conqueror – who the producers must have thought would be more relatable to white audiences. The story also largely omits key elements of the lethal farce, particularly the sheer uselessness of the testing. This isn’t a bad movie, but it could have been a lot better. Mildly amusing

Review – Call Me Miss Cleo

As I imagine a lot of audience members will, I went into this experience with a “ho ho that fake psychic on TV met a bad end” attitude. But the real behind-the-scenes story paints a much different picture. Youree Dell Harris, the actor who played Miss Cleo, got a super raw deal from the scam artists running the psychic 900 number. In addition to getting screwed over financially, the gig pretty much ruined her life. So this wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be. Mildly amusing

Review – Poisoned Ground

American Experience takes us back to the Love Canal, complete with the full parade of terrible decision-making that led to so many people dead or seriously ill. I was particularly taken with the point at which the angry families took EPA officers hostage. It seems so extreme now, though I guess in the shadow of the Iranian hostage crisis that it must have been more in keeping with the times. If you don’t know much about the whole mess, this is an excellent introduction. Worth seeing

Review – Brandy Hellville

This documentary does a good job of criticizing fashion trend op Brandy Melville for being exploitative, environmentally destructive and extremely prejudiced. What it fails to do is distinguish its subject from other, larger clothing manufacturers that use the same terrible labor practices, lead to the same waste and encourage the same despicable body shaming. Though there are plenty of important points here, please don’t go into the viewing experience (or leave it) thinking that it’s about some isolated rogue element in an otherwise squeaky clean industry. Mildly amusing

Review – Weird Al: Never Off Beat

If you’ve read Weird Al’s Wikipedia page, you probably already know most of this. And if you do a Youtube search for the artist, you’ll get most of the clips too. So all this really does is collect them in one place. Mildly amusing

Review – The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel once again proves that the best use of his talents are voice-over roles that require only three words. When he has to play a multi-dimensional character, even the hero of a supernatural action movie, he’s just too flat-footed to pull it off. Beyond that, this is a fairly average tale of immortal hero versus magical evil. Mildly amusing

Review – Dune Part 2

So am I to take from the ending that they’re planning a third one? That seems like a strange decision, given that (spoiler alert) they did away with all the bad guys at the end of this episode. The only unresolved question was how the witless protagonist would reunite with his scowling girlfriend, which I don’t even vaguely care enough about to endure another three hours of this. As with the first episode, the effects were impressive but the story was convoluted and dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Black Christmas (2006)

The original was a clunker, and this doesn’t really do much to improve on it. Indeed, my favorite parts were the homages to the older movie. Beyond that it’s sorority girls being butchered by a psycho, with some backstory stirred in for a little extra added annoyance. See if desperate

Review – The Beekeeper

Hollywood finally appears to be getting the revenge movie formula worked out. The elite killing machine protagonist here is set off when his kindly neighbor commits suicide after falling victim to a phishing scam. I’m not inclined to care a lot about mobsters or international cabals. But as far as I’m concerned, criminals who steal from old folks can definitely all get murdered by retired super commandos. Beyond that, this is a comfortably familiar assembly of action sequences. Mildly amusing

Review – Unthinkable

This “thriller” has two basic plot elements: arguing and mutilation. And after awhile both become extremely tedious. The set-up is a typical contrivance of scenarios in which torture might possibly be justified, which adds an extra layer of artificiality to the story. See if desperate

Review – Eye in the Sky

Military echelons from drone operators to anti-terrorism commanders to the Prime Minister wrestle with the ethics of launching a drone strike that will kill terrorists in their lair but also blow up a little girl selling bread in the street outside the building. So basically this is nearly two hours worth of an expensive version of the trolley car problem. See if desperate

Review – Damsel

Someday we’ll reach the point where entire plots can no longer be constructed out of little more than reversal of stereotypical roles. But clearly we haven’t gotten there yet. Millie Bobby Brown stars as a woman designated for sacrifice to a dragon. In the absence of a male rescuer, she becomes her own knight in shining armor. The story drags out a bit, but the effects are good and the action keeps things entertaining. Mildly amusing

Review – The Greatest Night in Pop

I was working a graveyard shift job in the spring of 1985, which meant I spent hour after endless hour with Top 40 radio for company. So when “We Are the World” went into high rotation, it didn’t take long for it to go from charming effort at doing good to grating ear worm that got played at least once an hour. That said, it’s legitimately a moment of moderate importance in the history of popular music. In that spirit, it’s interesting to learn more about the night dozens of celebrities ended up in the same room singing the same song at the same time. Mildly amusing

Review – The Days

This is a miniseries about the Fukushima nuclear disaster, and I found a lot of it completely mystifying. In particular there seemed to be a lot of disconnect between the government’s reluctance about relatively minor expenses such as helicopter transport for pump equipment and the imminent, long-term irradiation of a significant chunk of Honshu. The series also features an alarming number of scenes where characters in the middle of every-second-counts crises spend vast spans of time staring at each other. I’m not questioning the accuracy of these moments in the story. But if you’re like me and you find that sort of thing intensely annoying, be prepared to be intensely annoyed. That said, they spent a lot of money on the production and did a good job of recreating the disasters. Mildly amusing

Review – Thanksgiving

For everyone waiting for a good horror movie with a Thanksgiving theme, the wait continues. This typical slasher revenge plot tastes a lot like leftovers. See if desperate

Review – Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

Like the first one, this is more about the effects than anything else. So if you liked it before, here’s seconds. Mildly amusing

Review – Rebel Moon: A Child of Fire

Philosophical question: would any movie that combines Star Wars and The Seven Samurai automatically count as a remake (or reboot or whatever) of Battle Beyond the Stars? To be sure, mid-budget filmmaking has gotten a lot more sophisticated since 1980. Effects are better. Producers are more savvy about setting things up for sequels. Beyond that, however, the story is at least three different kinds of reheated. Mildly amusing

Review – Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It

I’ve been a big fan of Rita Moreno going all the way back to watching her on The Electric Company when I was a kid. I still remember how delighted I was to discover that she’d had a whole career in movies before then (not to mention plenty of work since). This documentary shows her as a great person behind the scenes as well. Of course that makes it all the harder to learn about the systemic racism and sexual assault she was forced to deal with. But overall this is an upbeat account of a fascinating life. Worth seeing

Review – Barbie

The last movie I saw about Barbie was Hotel Terminus, so at least this one was shorter. Everyone’s hearts are in the right place here, and that’s actually part of the problem. Most of the wry critiques of gender roles in American popular culture are on point, but they take the place of plot and character development. The result is more of a cleverly produced parade of in jokes than an actual story. Mildly amusing

Review – Elvis

This is a roughly even mix of what a rebellious spirit Elvis Presley had and what a fool he was to trust Colonel Tom Parker. The actors do a professional job in their roles, and Baz Luhrmann keeps his directorial conceits more under control than usual. It’s a shame they didn’t spend this time and money on a more interesting story. Mildly amusing

Review – All the Light We Cannot See

In the waning days of World War Two, a blind woman working with the French resistance connects with a German soldier grown opposed to his duties. The production’s efforts to wax philosophical largely fall flat, but the melodrama keeps the story moving. The art direction’s reasonably good, too. Mildly amusing

Review – The Last Voyage of the Demeter

I’m a huge fan of the idea of taking a small moment from a well-known work and spinning it out into a story of its own. But my enthusiasm for the concept often leaves me underwhelmed by the execution, which was definitely the case here. The tale of the hapless crew of a sailing ship picked off one at a time by a thirsty vampire could have been good. But the plot meanders so much that eventually it stops making sense. For example, our heroes discover where Dracula sleeps during the day. But for no good reason – unless I missed something somewhere, which is definitely possible – they don’t kill him. Production values are good, but that isn’t enough to make up for the threadbare plot. Plus a loss of a point for animal cruelty, including the death of a child’s pet dog. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Priscilla

How can something this horrific possibly be this boring? Part of the problem is Sofia Coppola’s typical excess of art house conceits. The decision to use Priscilla Presley’s memoir of her life with Elvis as the primary source material also guaranteed that the script would be too honest about their relationship for the liking of the estate (thus the absence of Elvis’s music on the soundtrack) while at the same time not being honest enough about the abusive nature of their dating and married lives. The result is pretty but also pretty dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Nimona

I’m a big fan of Noelle Stevenson’s source novel, so I admit I was nervous about how Netflix might adapt it. Turns out they did a good job with it, not completely faithful but close enough to preserve the spirit of the story. The digital animation worked well, too. Worth seeing

Review – The Devil on Trial

This documentary covers the real murder that supplied the story for the third Conjuring movie, the ridiculous case of a defendant who sought acquittal based on the notion that he was possessed by a demon at the time of the crime. I both loved and hated the decision to wait until the end of the movie to let one of the interviewees tell the truth about the whole mess. Mildly amusing

Review – The Pope’s Exorcist

With all the resources at the Pope’s command, you’d think he could come up with a better exorcist than a curmudgeonly Russel Crowe, a rogue priest with his own brand of demon expulsion. Despite his extensive track record, the old guy’s really struggling with his latest assignment: a boy who apparently spent long enough in a creepy church to end up with a bad case of demonic possession. Along the way to casting out the unclean spirits, we get a lot of backstory drama that doesn’t make the tale dramatically more interesting. Mildly amusing

Review – The White House Plumbers

Oddly, I don’t have too much trouble imagining the actual Watergate break-ins being exactly this stupid. Screwball comedy meets political intrigue as E. Howard Hunt (Woody Harrelson) and G. Gordon Liddy (Justin Theroux) burgle their boss’s presidency into the toilet. Mildly amusing