Review - I Am Not a Serial Killer

Maybe not, but he is still pretty creepy. Alas, he’s the town’s only hope against a homicidal supernatural being. As indie horror goes, I’ve seen worse. Mildly amusing

Review - A Christmas Horror Story

William Shatner phones in a performance as a radio shock jock in the bracket for four horrible holiday horrors. Most of this is predictable and dull. But then there’s the last entry, a showdown between the martial arts skills of Santa Claus and Krampus, with a heavy dose of zombie elves thrown in for good measure. See if desperate

Review - The Angry Birds Movie

This has all the depth of plot and character one is entitled to expect from a movie based on a Flash game in which players use a slingshot to fling birds at flimsy structures full of green pigs. The animation is better than I thought it would be, and they spent a chunk of change on the cast (including the “voice” of Sean Penn as a bulky bird who communicates only in grunts). But the moralizing is directionless, and the story never manages to overcome its own stupid. See if desperate

Review - The Dead Room

Family flees haunted house. Ghostbusters show up to investigate. So we’re getting two horror cliches for the price of one. The filmmakers are clearly trying for “psychological,” but all they end up with is “boring.” See if desperate

Review - Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Tina Fey takes a stab at a semi-serious role in a drama about a US journalist in Afghanistan. When the story focuses on the sometimes-wacky-sometimes-perilous job of reporting in a war-torn country, the picture is actually pretty good. Unfortunately we also get the usual Fey character, caught between her role as a competent professional and her inability to self-actualize without a man. Mildly amusing

Review - Holidays

Here’s yet another horror anthology cobbled together from holiday-themed shorts directed by different folks. Predictably, it’s a mixed bag (I continue to believe that Kevin Smith’s best days are well behind him). At best it’s good without being great and at worst it’s diverting and not much more. Mildly amusing

Review - London Has Fallen

Olympus Has Fallen, the London version. Once again the President (Aaron Eckhart) is imperiled by terrorists, and once again his favorite plays-by-his-own-rules Secret Service agent (Gerard Butler) comes to the rescue. The conspiracy this time around is so vast that everyone up to and including the Buckingham Palace guards would have to had been in on it. But those explosions sure are nice and loud. Mildly amusing

Review - Hurricane Bianca

Bianca Del Rio brings her considerable drag queen insult comic talents to a scripted comedy. When a teacher is fired from a Texas school for being gay, he returns as his drag persona and puts the bigoted principal and obnoxious students in their places. Worth watching

Review - The Siege of Jadotville

Irish soldiers serving in a UN mission to what’s now the Democratic Republic of the Congo run afoul of forces loyal to the Katangese government. The historical realities of African conflict in 1961 – particularly the extensive use of mercenaries – add a new twist to the usual valiant-resistance-by-outnumbered-good-guys tale. Mildly amusing.

Review - Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

Honestly at this point I’m losing track of the whole Jack Ryan / Jason Bourne thing. I literally can’t tell them apart. A big part of the problem is that each successive outing can be accurately reviewed by “action movie with international intrigue and blah blah blah.” So … action movie with international intrigue and blah blah blah. Mildly amusing

Review - Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

High tech McGuffin. Exotic locales. Expensive action sequences. Tom Cruise. Yep, the elements are all 
still here. Mildly amusing

Review - The Unborn

Gary Oldman, Idris Elba and several other familiar faces are squandered in this umpty-thousandth exorcism outing. By “squandered” I mean that their roles amounted to so little that they could easily have been played by thespians of far lesser renown. Once again a dybbuk is the agent of evil, poking an Auschwitz sidebar onto an otherwise well-trodden path. Mildly amusing

Review - Convergence

A cop gets blown up in a bombing and ends up in a state of near-death hallucinations or purgatory or two or three alternate realities or really it does’t make any difference. The picture rarely stays in the same plane of existence for more that a minute or two. The audience is asked to unravel a mystery without any reliable clues. So unless you’re easily entertained by random gore or odd religious ramblings, you’ll probably find this exceptionally dull. See if desperate

Review - Manson Family Vacation

Part dysfunctional family indie, part fanboy odyssey, all dull crap. A responsible family man gets a visit from his louche, Manson-obsessed brother. Their contrasting personalities create an endless parade of awkward moments as the plot meanders toward a conclusion viewers can easily predict in the first ten minutes. See if desperate

Review - Dream House

Around midway through this thriller I started to wonder what legal obligation a realtor might have to disclose to potential buyers a house’s history as the site of brutal murders. Looking up the answer (generally none, by the way) proved more entertaining than the movie itself. The producers spent the money to get Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz, which apparently left them nothing in the budget for an original plot. I won’t spoil things for anyone who wants to take this on, even though it’s likely to prove a disappointment. See if desperate

Review - Zootopia

Cute. The world building is a big part of the fun, imagining what a metropolis where anthropomorphic animals live together in harmony. A believing-in-her-dreams rabbit becomes the first lagomorph on the Zootopia police force. With the help of a con artist fox, she unravels a plot to turn the predator species back to their ancient, prey-eating ways. Though aimed at kids – and maybe furries – this is still worth a look for anyone in the mood for some simple entertainment. Worth seeing

Review - The Colony

In the wake of some icy apocalypse, the tattered remains of the human race huddle in underground colonies. A bad situation turns worse when a band of nomadic cannibals shows up and tries to make a meal of everyone. Around midway through I got so bored that I started musing about how long a planet with no plant life could maintain a breathable oxygen supply. See if desperate

Review - The Abandoned

Once again weak writing and indifferent casting create a production where everything else is upstaged by the location. They found some cool old buildings to shoot this in, but the drama that unfolds is typical night-watch-guards-poking-their-noses-where-they-don’t-belong stuff. See if desperate

Review - The Veil

I’m surprised the whole Jim Jones tragedy hasn’t shown up in many horror movie plots in the years since 1978. Here it gets a supernatural twist. A documentary film crew follows the sole survivor of a mass suicide back to the cult’s compound, where they unearth some restless spirits. Jessica Alba heads a cast of familiar faces. Mildly amusing

Review - The Krays: The Myth Behind the Legend

Yeah, no typo. We're genuinely being offered "the myth behind the legend." Documentarians turn their cameras on England's notorious Kray brothers and manage to make a total mess of things. They arrange interviews with many of the gangsters' inner circle, which should have been fascinating viewing. But most of these doddering old East Enders prove incapable of communicating in anything but arcane slang. Thus we're stuck trying to make sense of stuff that sounds like, "Then that right old toffer sodded off around the corner for some cheese and donkey, the bastard." To make matters worse, decades of swilling cheap booze and having coffee tables nailed to their heads have reduced their speech to mutterings that sound like Robert Shaw in Jaws only played backwards at half speed. Poor organization and inconsistent production values pound the final nails into the coffin. See if desperate

Review - Deadpool

This was certainly big at the box office, especially for a picture aimed directly at fanboys. Despite the plethora of inside jokes, there’s enough humor, action and special effects here to keep even laypeople entertained. It even used techniques I’m normally not all that wild about – such as breaking-the-fourth-wall gags – without ruining the experience. Who knew a bad comedy about an undead hitman could actually be fun? Mildly amusing

Review - Southbound

I like a good anthology piece. This isn’t one. Though it has occasional flashes of innovation – such as the weird floating skeleton monsters – for the most part it’s dull and cliché-ridden. At least they managed to tie the five stories together in the end. Mildly amusing

Review - The Offering

This is another one of those messy movies mostly made from recycled plots. We’ve got the sister trying to find out what happened to her departed sib, the evil conspiracy manifesting itself on the internet, and enough other “borrowed” stuff to pad out the running time. Also released as The Faith of Anna Waters. See if desperate

Review - Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed

If you liked the first one, well, here’s more of the same. The cast takes on a bevy of baddies from the original cartoons, thus aiming for fans of the show and small children (though probably nobody else). See if desperate

Review - Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Imagine listening to a film-noir-addicted 12-year-old boy trying to describe violent sex while “Bitches Brew” plays in the background. Now you don’t have to imagine it, because here it is. If the over-stylized aesthetic and child-like writing of the first one floated your boat, then you’re still safely sailing here. See if desperate

Review - Backtrack

A psychiatrist (Adrien Brody) discovers that his patients are actually restless ghosts. He spends the rest of the picture trying to figure out what they’re trying to tell him about his personal involvement in a terrible accident years ago. I wasn’t particularly in the mood for a slow-moving supernatural thriller, so I liked this less than I might have if the stars had been more favorably aligned. Mildly amusing

Review - The Enemy Within

HBO reheats Seven Days in May. Other than an expensive cast – including Forest Whitaker, Sam Waterston and Jason Robards – the new version doesn’t add much. Mildly amusing

Review - The Boy

An elderly British couple hires an American nanny to care for their “son,” which turns out to be a child-sized doll. Despite some third act problems, this picture turned out to be better than I expected. Mildly amusing

Review - The Other Side of the Door

If you’ve ever seen more than handful of horror movies, you already know that when you try to bring a loved one back from the dead – even for just a few minutes – odds are it’s going to end badly. Chances of a bad outcome increase to 100% if you opt to disregard any of the warnings about violating the rules. On the other hand, if you’ve never seen a horror movie – as the grieving mother in this picture evidently hadn’t – then what happens when you open a forbidden door may come as a surprise. See if desperate

Review - The Gods of Egypt

Like the Clash of the Titans remake only with Egyptian mythology rather than Greek. As is fairly typical with such pictures, they spent a lot of money on the effects and the cast (particularly the supporting roles) but devoted little effort to coherent storytelling. Mildly amusing

Review - Bridge of Spies

Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg team up to produce a predictably over-wrought adaptation of the Cold War prisoner exchange of Soviet spy Rudolf Abel for U2 pilot Francis Gary Powers. If you can manage not to die of a sincerity overdose, this picture features enough political machinations to keep things interesting. Mildly amusing

Review - The Witch

Oh so close. If the filmmakers had bothered to spend just a bit more time setting up the characters before launching into weird horror, I might have cared enough about the family to be more engaged with what happens to them. That said, the spooky stuff is imaginative enough to keep things engaging. Mildly amusing

Review - Manson’s Lost Girls

The Manson saga is retold once again, this time with heavy emphasis on the female members of The Family. Linda Kassabian is the protagonist, making the story stick closely to her testimony for the prosecution during Manson’s trial. The fresh perspective doesn’t really add much, but aficionados should nonetheless add it to their lists. Mildly amusing

Review - 12 Days of Terror

The Discovery Channel uses the 1916 Jersey Shore shark attacks as a flimsy excuse for a cheap Jaws remake. When I was a kid I was scared witless by a written account of the Matawan Creek attacks. Further, the actual attacks were responsible for a sea change in public attitudes about sharks, which previously had not been considered a threat to swimmers. But this movie captures pretty much none of that. Instead we get familiar characters in familiar situations, simply sixty years removed. See if desperate.

Review - We Are Still Here

They are still making these. Couple mourning the loss of their son move into an old house in the country. Evil presence. Agitated townspeople. Et cetera. See if desperate

Review - Goosebumps

Like the book series that inspired this movie, this is mostly kiddie fare. Awkward teen moves in next door to a fictionalized R.L. Stine and his daughter. Turns out that if any of the author’s locked manuscripts is opened, it unleashes the monster from the tale. This plot device allows the picture to include several of the beasts and villains from the books. Though not exactly intellectually engaging, this accomplishes what it sets out to do. Mildly amusing

Review - Devil's Knot

The Robin Hood Woods murders once again take to the screen, this time as a narrative drama. Despite the presence of some familiar faces (most notably Reece Witherspoon), this doesn’t offer much that we didn’t already get from the extensive documentary coverage. Mildly amusing

Review - Killer Legends

The folks who made Cropsey broaden their scope to include four other real crimes with loose connections to urban legends. For example, they connect John Wayne Gacy’s crimes to the legends about killer clowns, even though the tales weren't based on the murders. Still, it’s an interesting portrait of the meta-themes common to both imaginary and real horrors. Mildly amusing

Review - That Gal … Who Was in That Thing

This is a worthy follow-up to the guy version. Naturally women working in Hollywood have a few gripes not raised by the men. So it’s worth watching for anyone thinking about pursuing a career in acting in either movies or television. Mildly amusing

Nom nom nominations

List of people who'd make an ideal running mate for Donald Trump:

• An ovarian tumor (who hates women even more than Trump does, though it’s a near thing).
• The guy who posted the comment on Fox News' web site calling Malia Obama the N word.
• Ronald Reagan's brain being kept alive (or at least as alive as it ever was) inside a jar.
• Caesar's noble horse Incitatus.

I wonder now if the Republicans will back off and let the current President fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court. Because now they're going to get an appointment either by Hillary Clinton (who will have even less incentive to play ball with them than Barack Obama has) or Trump. Whom might he name? Judge Judy? Jesse "The Body" Ventura?

The possibilities are endless.

Review - The Tortured

Parents of a boy murdered by a psychopath kidnap the killer from a prison transport van, drag him off to a remote cottage and proceed to torture him. They use some interesting methods of inflicting pain, but beyond that the story keeps itself going mostly via implausible plot twists. They even stir in a red herring ending that negates what little moral value the rest of the movie had going. See if desperate.

Review - The Rise of the Krays

Though this is too arty to officially qualify as a mockbuster, it’s clearly timed to cater to interest in the Kray brothers spawned by Legend. On the plus side, this production focuses more on the Krays’ crimes and less on their personal lives (specifically Reggie’s bad marriage and Ronnie’s homosexuality). Unfortunately, that doesn’t end up making it more interesting. I was going to scoff at the notion that this would produce the practically promised sequel, but then I note that the sequel’s already being released. Mildly amusing.

Review - Hotel Transylvania 2

The crew from the first one return for another round. This time the cute couple get married and have a kid. Dracula desperately wants the new arrival to turn out to be a vampire like his daughter rather than a human like his son-in-law. Let the high jinks commence. The script for this installment is weak. Indeed, for Act Three we get villains who previously weren’t in the movie at all. Sony animations once again proves that they can throw money at productions like Disney and Dreamworks do, but they can’t produce the same results. Mildly amusing.

Review - The Exorcism of Molly Hartley

Until I checked the IMDb notes, I had no idea this was a sequel to a movie I’d already seen. That’s testament both to how forgettable the first one was and how little this tale expanded on a pre-existing plot. Instead this is just another flimsy demonic possession piece. See if desperate.

Review - The Last Exorcism Part 2

Like the sequel to The Blair Witch Project, this picture abandons the original’s found footage format in favor of a more straightforward horror story. Our demonically flexible heroine (again ably played by Ashley Bell) tries to rebuild her life. Unfortunately the forces of darkness still feel the need for her, and the folks who are supposed to be helping her may not have her best interests in mind. If this was the first demonic possession movie I ever saw, I think I might have liked it better than I did. Mildly amusing.

Review - The Hallow

The evil-creatures-lurking-in-the-woods plot might have worked. The infection-turning-the-good-guy-bad plot might have worked. But the two mashed unevenly together just makes a mess. Stir in angry villagers, a besieged house, a changeling, and it all gets to be too much. See if desperate.

Review - Nuremberg: Nazis on Trial

This is actually three episodes in a mini-series, focusing on Speer, Goering and Hess in turn. The BBC does a good job of dramatizing interrogation and trial transcripts. Acting and production values are also good. Mildly amusing.

Review - Legend (2015)

Tom Hardy does a great job playing both Reggie and Ronnie Kray, twin gangsters who controlled London’s East End in the 1960s. Like the 1990 version, this production treats the relationship between Reggie and his wife as one of the more interesting parts of the story. But overall this is a well-crafted historical crime drama that should leave Kray aficionados satisfied. Worth seeing.

Review - #Horror

I took a chance on this picture because the box drew a connection between it and The Cell, but the tie turned out to be first-time director Tara Subkoff who happened to be in the cast of the much more stylish and interesting production. After leading with a bloody murder, for more than an hour the production serves up nothing more horrifying than a gaggle of interchangeable 12-year-old girls bickering ad infinitum. This was probably intended as a criticism of social media addiction, but it has too much trouble picking such low-handing fruit. Wish I’d skipped it.

Tonight we tart in hell!

Not sure what prompted me to actually look at the back of a Pop Tart box before tossing it into the recycle bin. But when I did, this is what I found:

The whole back of the box was decorated with odd tart-related images, of which this was the most bizarre.

Help me out here. Pop Tarts are being threatened with Toaster invasion, and the King of the Pop Tarts is deliberately killing the Toaster emissary? Who even gets this joke? Nobody under the age of ten was even born when 300 came out (and it was released with an R rating, so likely audience members skew even older).

Clearly Pop Tarts are being marketed to someone besides kids these days. With that in mind, here are some suggestions for other famous movie moments that could be tarted up a bit:

• Your mother eats tarts in hell.
• Say hello to my little tart!
• Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatart.
• I ate his liver with Pop Tarts and a nice Chianti.
• I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my tart.

Or at the very least perhaps this could breathe new life into an immortal classic of the silver screen:

 For what it's worth, the tag line at the top of the poster is pure coincidence.

Or is it?

Review - The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Worthy follow-up to the first Avengers movie. I’m not sure how easy this would be to follow for audience members who aren’t keeping up with the whole Marvel cinematic universe thing, but if you like the rest of them you’ll probably like this one too. Mildly amusing.

Review - Final Girl

Attention rookie filmmakers: Lars von Trier is not a role model.   The story might have worked if not for some insanely heavy-handed direction by first-timer Tyler Shields. A young woman (Abigail Breslin) trained as a vigilante takes on a group of wealthy brats who murder girls for fun. The plot had promise, but it’s swiftly undone by self-conscious cinematography and melodramatic lighting. The result plays like a Halloween concept edition of Vogue, and that isn’t conducive to good storytelling. See if desperate.

Review - Manson: 40 Years Later

As docudramas go, this isn’t too bad. Like Helter Skelter, it’s based thoroughly on the prosecution’s version of the Tate-LaBianca killings, particularly the non-participation of star witness Linda Kassabian (who appears briefly in the movie). But otherwise it’s a thorough retelling of the tale. Mildly amusing.

Review - A Good Marriage

What would you do if you suddenly discovered your spouse was a serial killer? Stephen King poses the question in the novella upon which this movie is based. Scripted by the author, it uses some tricks such as dream sequences that might work in print but come across as awkward on screen. It also goes on for awhile after its natural conclusion. But overall it was a reasonably entertaining exploration of a housewife stuck with a terrible dilemma. Mildly amusing

Review - Dark Was the Night

I’m surprised I’ve watched horror movies for so many years without ever seeing one based on the Devonshire Devil before. This picture relocates the tale from 19th century England to 21st century small town America, but otherwise it’s a fairly faithful adaptation. The script is a little uneven, mixing the main story in with some really dull subplots. And the filter work on the visuals is purely ridiculous. Otherwise, however, this is a skillfully produced monster movie. Mildly amusing

Review - The Hollow

The star of this show is the CGI monster, a humanoid brush fire out for revenge against people who died centuries ago. If this had been in a movie in the 1970s, it would have been the awesomest thing ever. In an age filled with digital effects, however, more is required of a movie. And this one fails to deliver. The writer and director seem completely unable to coax any emotions out of the characters other than petty anger and abject terror, which of course makes them impossible to sympathize with in any way. Thus a creature with a lot of potential gets squandered on a meandering, weak script and indifferent production standards. See if desperate

Review - The Diabolical

This movie should have gotten to the point way faster. In the third act it transforms into a vaguely interesting sci-fi-conspiracy piece. That would have been great if the first two thirds hadn’t been a thoroughly boring tale of suburban malaise interrupted at irregular intervals by intrusions from a boogeyman of some kind. See if desperate

Review - Congo

I think if I’d reviewed this when I first saw it, I might have come to a slightly different conclusion. Overall this is an entertaining action movie, a classic Michael Crichton blend of science and thrills. But that also makes it seem somewhat dated. Mildly amusing.

Review - Bone Tomahawk

Although Deadwood is my all-time favorite TV series, I generally don’t like westerns as much as I like a good horror movie. Thus I would have preferred a little less of the former in the early going, though at least it was reasonably well done. As were the monsters when they finally appeared. The result is a Sergio-Leone-esque revamp of The Hills Have Eyes. With all the brutal violence that implies. Mildly amusing.

Review - The Inhabitants

If I’m being honest, I have to admit that I have no memory of sitting through this movie. It’s on my list, so I must have seen it. Unfortunately I let it go so long before getting to the review that at this point I don’t recall anything about it. So I turned to IMDb to see if its entry jogged my memory. The plot summary was no help, identifying the picture only as the tale of a young couple who buy a B&B only to discover that it’s haunted. None of the seven reviews said much beyond that, either. Even the preview didn’t ring many bells. So I guess I’ll rate it “mildly amusing” as it left no lasting impression on me one way or another.

Review - Behind the Candelabra

One would hope that by 2013 we’d be past the point when casting the likes of Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in gay roles would be considered amusing in and of itself. Apparently not. If you have as much fun watching Douglas play Liberace as the actor seems to be having “slumming” in the role, then you’re going to love this picture. If you’re more like me, you’ll likely find it a bizarre and disrespectful intrusion into the life of a dead celebrity. See if desperate.

Review - Soaked in Bleach

If this film had actually been soaked in bleach, all the colors would have run out of it and it would have been an hour and a half of blank screen. Yeah, I know this thing was shot digitally, but a joke about soaking memory cards in bleach wouldn’t have been as funny. In any event, 90 minutes of nothing would have been more entertaining and informative than yet another conspiracy theory production about how Courtney Love had Kurt Cobain murdered. Wish I’d skipped it.

Review - Late Phases

I’ve asked this before, but apparently the question needs asking at least one more time: is it really that goddamn hard to make a werewolf movie? Over the years I’ve seen a couple of bullseyes and several that missed the mark to varying degrees. But this hunk of junk isn’t even in the same state with the target. An elderly, blind asshole moves into a retirement community only to find the place overrun with horny GGILFs (including one played by the reanimated corpse of Tina Louise) and werewolves. Script, rubber lycanthrope effects and even the acting (including the efforts of veterans Lance Guest and Tom Noonan) are equally dreadful. Wish I’d skipped it.

Review - The Final Girls

Along the same lines as Cabin in the Woods, the picture combines horror and comedy by taking such a reflexive look as the former that it produces the latter. And once again I find myself surprised that I don’t hate it.  Though it’s a bit too ham handed for my tastes, it’s still a cute criticism of the slasher genre’s misogynist take on young women’s sexuality. Mildly amusing.

Review - Insidious Chapter 3

If you’re sufficiently conversant in the whole Insidious thing, then the in jokes about the recurring characters’ early contacts with the supernatural may amuse you. My take on it is that the first one didn’t even need a sequel, let alone a prequel. See if desperate.

Review - Before I Go to Sleep

50 First Dates only not funny. See if desperate.

Review - Visions

A pregnant woman and her husband bet the farm on a farm, or a vineyard to be more precise. Shortly after moving in, she begins to experience horrible visions – so the title’s apt enough – of the property’s ghastly past. Not exactly out of keeping with other pictures of this ilk, the script puts all its eggs in the “surprise twist” basket and then fails to supply any. See if desperate.

Review - The Forest

Natalie Dormer plays twins caught up in the sinister malaise of the Aokigahara “suicide” forest in Japan. The picture gets off to a reasonably good Americans-borrowing-Japanese-ghost-stories start, but somewhere along the line it loses all focus. The back half of the story (assuming there even is a story at that point) wanders as aimlessly as someone lost in a forest full of malicious spirits. Mildly amusing.

Review - Sinister 2

Despite a title and a smattering of plot elements cribbed from the first Sinister movie, this picture is far more closely akin to the Children of the Corn set. And not one of the better entries, either. I might have had an easier time swallowing this Big Mac if I hadn’t been expecting McNuggets. See if desperate.

Site conversion is underway

As of 8:09 CST this morning, the old 8sails is gone. As I mentioned last month on the 8sails Facebook feed, I'm giving priority to the College section so my students will have everything they need for class. Once that's done, I'll begin the long – and I do mean long – process of redoing the rest of the site.

I appreciate everyone's patience while I continue working on the conversion. Naturally I still have all the old content saved, so if you're in dire need of any of it let me know and I'll dig it up for you.

Thanks.

Review - Dead Silence

Time to add “ventriloquist” to the “nope” list. In this go-around the ventriloquist is a ghost with a legion of dummies. But these twists don’t add enough to stretch 20 minutes worth of plot out into a feature-length production. See if desperate.

Review - Pay the Ghost

Those of us old enough to remember the Jim Bakker sex scandal likely recall the joke that the initials of Bakker’s Praise The Lord network actually stood for Pay The Lady. So guess what the title of this picture reminds me of. The movie itself is a run-of-the-mill ghost story, an Americanized plot along the La Llorona line. And speaking of getting paid, I assume Nicolas Cage signed on to this mediocre offering because he needed the money. Mildly amusing.

Unmaking of a Murderer

During the holiday break I watched the new Netflix series Making a Murderer. As apparently did a lot of other people.The series has sparked petition drives to obtain pardons for Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey, two men convicted of murder in rural Wisconsin.

At least in Avery’s case, these petition efforts are misguided. The folks bugging Barack Obama about this should understand that the President doesn’t have authority to pardon state prisoners. The folks bugging Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker about it … well, I’m guessing that’s a non-starter. Walker strikes me as Wisconsin’s version of Kansas Governor Sam Brownback. If the comparison is apt, there will be no mercy from that quarter (unless the Averys are secretly billionaires and have cleverly concealed it).

However, if Walker happened to be in the pardoning mood, he should issue one for Dassey. Unless something dramatic was omitted from the documentary, the guy was convicted almost solely by his own confession to law enforcement officers. Were I a juror in the case, I would have regarded the admissions dragged out of a mentally-atypical 16 year old as self-contradictory, coerced and worthless as evidence.

Avery is another matter altogether. Here’s what I think the evidence shows:

When he was 18, Avery burglarized a bar. He was convicted and spent 10 months in jail.

When he was 20, he poured gasoline on his family’s cat and threw it in a fire, burning it alive. He did prison time for animal cruelty. Early in the documentary he lies about the crime, claiming the cat’s death was accidental.

Three years later he was convicted of assaulting a female cousin with a shotgun. In the documentary he admits to the assault, though he claims the gun wasn’t loaded. Not that his cousin would have known that. Not that she wouldn’t have feared joining the family cat in the afterlife.

This evidence clearly establishes Avery as a violent man capable of complete indifference to the suffering of others and incapable of conforming his behavior to the requirements of the law. It also establishes his willingness to lie.

Though that might mitigate the amount of sympathy one ought to extend to him, it shouldn’t by itself be enough to convict him of other crimes.

Sadly, this principle was demonstrated when Avery spent 18 years behind bars for a rape he didn’t commit. Shoddy work by the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department led to the conviction, which was overturned later when Avery was exonerated by DNA evidence. The tainted investigation was either the result of “round up the usual suspects” law enforcement or part of an ongoing family feud involving Avery and some members of the sheriff’s department.

On or around October 31, 2005, photographer Teresa Hallbach was murdered. She was employed by Auto Trader Magazine, and her last appointment of the day was a car photo assignment at the Avery family salvage yard. Steven Avery had an established pattern of specifically requesting Hallbach when he did business with Auto Trader. And Hallbach had asked not to be sent to the Avery property anymore, citing a previous incident in which he came to the door wearing nothing but a towel.

Nobody saw Hallbach alive after her appointment with Avery. Her bloodstained SUV was found parked on Avery’s property. Charred fragments of her bones were found in the ashes of a bonfire set by Avery on the evening of Hallbach’s disappearance.

For obvious reasons, Manitowoc deputies were supposed to be excluded from the murder investigation. But some participated in it nonetheless. Evidence strongly suggests that they planted the SUV’s key in Avery’s trailer and smeared Avery’s blood (obtained from an evidence file from a previous investigation) in the SUV itself.

Avery was clearly convicted based in part on tainted evidence. And that’s exactly why he shouldn’t receive a pardon. If he’s pardoned, he can’t be tried again for the crime. Both Avery and the people of Wisconsin deserve better than that.

Of course he isn’t entitled to a new trial. He had expensive, competent counsel during the first go-around (another benefit denied Dassey, who was tried separately). His lawyers challenged the validity of the evidence, so the jury had the opportunity to question it. 

But in this particular case, a new trial would be a fascinating experience. Personally, I believe Avery would be convicted anew based on the non-tainted evidence from the investigation.

And if he happened to win acquittal, perhaps someone will make a ten hour long documentary about how broken the justice system is when it can’t keep a brutal killer like Avery behind bars.

Review - Harbinger Down

The concept is simple enough: The Thing relocated to a ship in the Arctic. Unfortunately this production is thoroughly slaughtered by a dreadful script and equally awful acting. See if desperate.

Review - Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens

And so it begins again. This struck me as the best entry in the set since 1980, at least in part because it’s an eerily familiar reheat of the story and characters from the 1977 original. However, the series seems to be in good hands with J.J. Abrams rather than George Lucas at the helm. The effects are impressive, and the cast and script are also good. After what Abrams did to the Star Trek franchise, this was a welcome relief. Worth seeing.