Review – The Beast (1988)

One of the great charms of the conflict between Afghan freedom fighters (many of whom would later form the core of the Taliban) and Soviet invasion troops is that there really isn’t a good guy to root for. Having no patriotic dog in this fight made it a lot easier to simply enjoy the drama as it unfolds. The crew of a Soviet tank – under the command of a cruel officer – run afoul of rebels and each other. This is the movie Fury should have been. Mildly amusing

Review – Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Though this is plentifully stupid, it doesn’t really aspire to be anything else. A couple of good old boys trying to enjoy the weekend in their ramshackle cabin in the woods run afoul of obnoxious city kids. So basically this is a comic switch on pretty much every other slasher movie ever made. Mildly amusing

Review – Gone Girl

Watch enough of those cheap, forensics-intensive true crime shows on high band cable, and you get to where you can predict almost down to the second how long you have to stick with an episode before you get to the “husband did it” moment. Which of course leaves the producers of such morally-uplifting fare with a quandary: a story with the obvious ending or a story with a twist so completely out of left field that it betrays the audience’s trust. This is a more expensive, fictional version of that. See if desperate

Review – Mr. Turner

This movie absolutely broke my heart. I love J.M.W. Turner’s work. An exhibit of his paintings I was lucky enough to see at the National Gallery a few years ago still stands as one of the most amazing things that’s ever happened to me. Though I’m prepared – even eager – to accept the proposition that such works of staggering genius could be produced by a man who lived a fairly ordinary life, I seriously wonder why, in that case, anyone would bother making a movie out of his biography. This production isn’t helped in the slightest by writer / director Mike Leigh’s decision to skip the session in screenwriting class when the difference between chronology and storytelling was discussed. As a result, some of the most important works of art ever preserved on canvas get completely lost in the banal trivia of the artist’s life. Absent any kind of story or character arc, the two-and-a-half-hour running time becomes an “is it over yet?” ordeal. Turner deserved so much better. See if desperate

Review – Nightcrawler

Ever since hearing one of the voices on a Treme episode commentary track identify Davis McAlary as one of the show’s heroes, I’ve come to realize that I’m completely out of touch with American society in general and popular culture in particular. I feel I can no longer reliably tell the good guys from the assholes. Thus I doubt my ability to provide you with an accurate assessment of Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in this odd picture. He starts out as a creepy scrap metal thief and ends up as a creepy yet highly successful independent news videographer. The guy made me uncomfortable throughout the entire movie, and he seemed to have the same effect on the other characters. Yet he has no internal character arc at all. Other than exploring the icky world of guys who record accidents and crime scenes for a living (and occasionally pontificating about the cynical nature of the media), I didn’t see a lot of point to any of this. Mildly amusing

Review – Leprechaun Origins

I’ve been watching Leprechaun movies since the first one hit video in the early 1990s, but until tonight nobody anywhere could ever have convinced me that removing the title character would actually make the movie worse. But holy St. Patrick, is this ever a dreadful movie. The notes on IMDb declare that Dylan “Hornswoggle” Postl carefully avoided watching any of the previous movies in the series in order to avoid undue influence on his performance. Good thing, because otherwise he might have shown up on the set expecting to have lines and wear makeup that made him look like a leprechaun rather than some kind of mutant dog so craptacular that it had to be shot exclusively in poorly-lit, soft-focused jump cuts. Fans of the previous entries in the series – or really anyone who wants to see a movie with a script or any semblance of technical quality – will walk away sorely disappointed. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Imitation Game

I loved the code-breaking parts of this tale of Alan Turing and Bletchley Park. But then I’m a fan of that kind of thing, so an average audience member might not get such a big kick out of it. The personal relationship stuff, on the other hand, didn’t do as much for me, at least in part because a lot of it was pure fiction. Still, overall the story was well told, engaging and entertaining. Worth seeing

Review – Fury

The producers of this World War Two drama spent a buttload of money on the cast, which was a waste of cash. The real stars of this picture are the vehicles. I’ve seen countless movies about mechanized warfare, and this is the first time I’ve ever felt the slightest sense of what it’s like to actually be inside a tank. Unfortunately, it also gave me a strong impression of what it would be like to be crammed inside one with a gaggle of ultra-macho assholes. As a simple-minded action movie, this isn’t bad. But sympathetic (or at least tolerable) characters would have made it much better. Mildly amusing

Review – The Giver

Once again a dystopian future sinks under its own heavy-handed message. Humanity manages to cleanse itself of pain and strife by outlawing emotions and drugging everyone into a bland haze. But one person has to remain non-sedated and serve as the repository of all of humanity’s joyful, painful history and emotional range (because otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a movie). I was nettled by inconsistencies, particularly the characters’ tendencies to feel emotions or not as the plot required. And ugh, what a dreadful ending. Mildly amusing

Review – Burton and Taylor

Celebrity bios aren’t my cup of tea, particularly when the subject is a pair of prima donnas whose egos prevent them from finding happiness. But I was lured in by the chance to see Dominic West as Richard Burton and Helena Bonham Carter as Liz Taylor. The production delivered what it promised, showing the ultimate Hollywood couple struggling to work together on the Broadway stage in the months prior to Burton’s death. Mildly amusing

Review – Houdini

When I was a kid I was crazy about Houdini and read everything I could find about him, so a lot of this biography didn’t come as much of a surprise. However, the producers spent enough on this two-part miniseries to ensure that they did a good job of telling the story. Adrien Brody works well in the title role, and the rest of the cast support him well. Recreations of the era are solid, on par with Boardwalk Empire and other productions that devote proper attention to making bygone ages look both authentic and familiar. Verdict: Mildly amusing

Review – Project Almanac

I was really impressed with precisely one moment in this movie: for a brief instant one of the characters is shown holding a tripod. Brilliant! What chutzpah it takes to actively taunt your audience. “See, we know what one of these is. We just ain’t gonna use it.” This thing made The Blair Witch Project look like Jean Renoir. Seriously, the shaky cam nonsense was so excessive that for roughly a third of the running time I had to stop watching and stare at the backs of the seats in front of me to keep from getting ill. However, from what I was able to watch, I wasn’t missing much. The story was a teenager-intensive reheat of the boring parts of Time Cop. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Noah

Who the hell did they think they were making this for? The folks who might normally be counted upon to show up for Bible-based entertainment couldn’t possibly be interested in such a bizarre “Clash of the Titans” rethinking of the relevant passages from Genesis. On the other hand, the story relies far too heavily on Judeo-Christian theology and pseudo-theology to be of much interest to action movie audiences. So perhaps they were aiming for Russell Crowe fans so passionately devoted to the actor that they’d watch him do most anything, including singing (again). As this was never exactly my favorite part of the Bible, I didn’t start out super receptive to the message and certainly didn’t leave feeling edified or entertained in any way. See if desperate