Review – Cabin in the Woods

Leave it to Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard to find a way to put a new spin on worn-out horror movie clichés. I ignored this when it was in theaters, guessing that it would be yet another tale of twentysomethings butchered for the high crime of venturing out of the city. But recently I got so desperate to see a horror movie with any kind of production values that I added it to my Netflix queue. I’m glad I did. The reflexive twist to the old tale had a certain Watchers-watching-Watchers quality, but it was still clever enough. I also liked the nearly-Lovecraftian nature of the underlying threat. Overall the picture does a great job of putting a new edge on some of the genre’s tired old saws. Worth seeing

Review – Red Lights

They got the budget. They got the cast (Cillian Murphy, Sigourney Weaver and Robert De Niro). They even had a good premise: fraud-debunking scientists run up against a legendary psychic known for using telekinesis to harm his enemies. Yet somewhere around an hour in, this production began to annoy the hell out of me. Perhaps I was just in a crabby mood, but every little thing – from screeching feedback to ringing phones – turned the experience into a matter of endurance rather than entertainment. It didn’t help that the filmmakers opted to bet the farm on the final surprise twist, a decision that left them farm-free. Mildly amusing

Review – Brüno

After Borat, I was expecting something more biting and less Zoolander. Sacha Baron Cohen gets up to his usual tricks, playing a foreign character who pulls outrageous stunts. And every once in awhile he strikes a legitimate social nerve. But for the most part “dumb Austrian gay guy” isn’t that funny a shtick. See if desperate

Reveiw – Tomorrow, When the War Began

Looks like someone down under really likes Red Dawn. This actually doesn’t fare too poorly in comparison to John Milius’s great contribution to civilization. Some mysterious foreign power invades Australia, allowing the plot to partially side-step the geopolitical awkwardness of a named aggressor. The teenagers who form a werwolf unit and go to war are considerably more life-like than the Wolverines. That’s a plus and a minus. They’re more likable, but they also spend more time with typical 21st century teenage banter and bickering. Overall this is an entertaining if not particularly realistic action picture, not to mention an obvious set-up for a sequel or even a series. Mildly amusing

Review – The Legend of Bloody Jack

Sounds like the sort of thing you’d want to see a urologist about. And if you’re about to chastise me for being stupid and nasty, my poor attempt at humor has nothing on this poor attempt at filmmaking. From the start the production telegraphs its dreadfulness by setting up camp in northern Alaska where in the summer the sun never sets (i.e. they don’t have the equipment or lights to shoot at night). Then it bets the farm on the theory that a Jeep cap, bandana and axe make your antagonist the next Freddy Krueger. This picture systematically violates just about every reality check I have to offer low budget horror folk. If all that isn’t enough to talk you out of this experience, then feast on the description from its IMDb listing: “The legend of Jack the Ripper comes to real when one of his descendants revive him.” Sic. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Paranormal Activity 3

I’m developing a grudging affection for the whole “found footage” deal. Typically these pictures have trouble maintaining logical consistency, and sadly this effort is no exception. But at least they tend not to rely so much on gratuitous gore or pointless boob shots. Some even sneak a few genuine chills in between dull domesticity and flimsy booga boogas. I could have done without all the kid threatening served up here, but otherwise it was a reasonably good specimen of the sub-genre. Mildly amusing

Review – Jackboots on Whitehall

This is like Thunderbirds meets Marwencol meets some crappy English sitcom. If you’re a big fan of British puppet adventures for boys or winking references to other movies (especially the Lord of the Rings set), then this tale of an alternate-history Nazi invasion of England may be your cup of tea. Beyond that, it squanders a stellar cast on a script that never rises much above low cleverness, sort of an anglicized watering down of the harsh vulgarity of Team America World Police. Wildly amusing

Review – My Bloody Valentine (1981)

I’ve watched this thing twice and the remake once, and all either of them does for me is inflict an ear worm of Chet Baker singing a perverse twist on an old Rodgers and Hart tune. Question: what the hell does any of this have to do with Valentine’s Day? Yeah, the deranged killer is out to avenge some crap that happened on Feb. 14. Yeah, he cuts out human hearts, stuffs them into candy boxes, tosses in doggerel-infested cards and leaves them for people. Beyond that, however, the main action takes place in a coal mine. Could any setting be farther removed from pink lace and roses? I don’t see a slasher picture this dumb actually trying to be ironic, so I’m going with “tried to surf the whole holiday-specific horror flick thing spawned by Halloween and figured this might work better than Labor Day.” See if desperate

Review – The Hunger Games

I liked this better than I thought I would. But then I assumed I was going to hate it – as I often do with over-hyped blockbusters – so liking it more than I thought I would isn’t exactly the same as liking it. For anyone reading this review sometime in the glorious future when it’s once again possible to not know anything about the whole Hunger Games thing, it’s set in a dystopian society that forces its districts to send children to die fighting in the eponymous contest. To the picture’s credit, it keeps up a decent pace and manages to make some relevant points about media hype and disregard for the value of human life. Still, it covers little ground not already trampled by The Running Man. By using kids, however, the show overplays its hand and moves from poignant to slightly ridiculous. Mildly amusing

Review – Boggy Creek

When I was a kid, I was way into the whole Boggy Creek monster thing, due mostly to the classic “documentary” about the creature. Honestly, that was the only reason I decided to give a chance to what looked like yet another parade of stupid twentysomethings falling victim to a monster/slasher/whogivesacrap. The beast looks like Saruman bred Orcs with Ewoks. Even so, the creature’s greatest fault is that it can’t kill the witless, whiny “heroes” fast enough to make this a shorter ordeal. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Pawnbroker

This works better as a piece of film history than as a film. In the early 1960s the American movie industry found itself hampered by its own production code and increasingly unable to compete with films from European market. This Sidney Lumet production was the first to successfully petition for code exception in order to show a brief nude scene. It’s also one of the first movies to take on the horrors of the Holocaust. It’s also Morgan Freeman’s big screen debut in an uncredited role. Unfortunately the picture itself is hard to watch. Rod Steiger plays the title character, emotionally killed decades earlier by the Nazis but still going through the motions of running a pawn shop in one of the seedier sections of New York City. Though the concept had potential, the French New Wave aesthetic, laconic plot, theatrical dialogue and discordant Quincy Jones score thoroughly spoil the experience. See if desperate

Review – Idiots and Angels

Though I really loved some of Bill Plympton’s earlier work, I really didn’t love this. It’s the dialogue-free story of a jerk who abuses everyone and everything around him until one morning he sprouts wings. His new appendages allow him to fly but prevent him from being an asshole. The picture has some of the animator’s trademark quirky humor, and the soundtrack sports a couple of Tom Waits songs. Beyond that, however, the picture rarely rises above lowbrow religious allegory, which scarcely justifies such a large dose of mean and depressing packed into 75 minutes. See if desperate

Review – These Amazing Shadows

The National Film Registry is yet another example of a government arts project kinda working. Film is an extraordinarily fragile medium, easy prey to mold, decay and flame. Even the negatives of big, modern movies such as The Godfather have fallen victim to studio neglect. Enter the Library of Congress to establish a bureaucracy to help preserve these vulnerable cultural treasures. The registry has done some great work since its inception in 1988, and its prouder moments are recognized in this documentary. But subject to the whims of public pressure, it has also enshrined some work of less obvious merit. Still, the registry puts a publicity-savvy face on the library’s worthwhile conservation efforts, and this documentary does a solid job of conveying the importance of the work. Mildly amusing

Review – The Phantom of the Opera (2011)

This is a recording of a live performance of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical at the Royal Albert Hall in celebration of the show’s 25th anniversary. I’ll bet fans of the musical will absolutely love this, particularly the encore in which the original Christine sings with no less than five Phantoms from various stagings. However, I felt about this more or less the same about this as I did about the 2005 Hollywood version. Mildly amusing

Review – Little Deaths

Perhaps if I was more impressed with kinky sex I might have gotten more out of this trio of horror shorts. The lead-off piece is the best, because a couple of rapists get a grim come-uppance (though first we have to sit through a brutal rape). The second – some mess about medicine made from monster semen – spits on the concept of logical plot development. And the third must have been deliberately to annoy, because it did such a great job of it. Sex and horror should be easier than this to combine. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Man Who Laughs

Every time I see this, my heart goes out to poor Conrad Veidt. In order to play Gwynplaine, whose face was permanently cut into a hideous grin, the actor had to wear a dental appliance with hooks that held his mouth in the proper position. Fortunately his sacrifice was worth it. No doubt thinking about a previous success, Universal served up another Victor Hugo tale of a physically-deformed-yet-kind-hearted hero. Though the story is more than a little melodramatic, the acting more than makes up for the weak plot. Worth seeing

Review – Terror’s Advocate

Back when I was a lawyer, I knew folks who shared Jacques Verges’s general outlook on life. They were a big part of why I gave up the profession. Verges and his ilk are consummate egoists, feeding their own sense of magnificence by seeking acquittal for criminals who don’t vaguely deserve it. Indeed, the more monstrous the client the sweeter the victory. Though even the likes of Ilich “Carlos the Jackal” Ramirez Sanchez and Klaus “The Butcher of Lyon” Barbie are entitled to competent legal counsel, Verges revels in a job that oughtn’t to be done with glee. Still, his life might have made an interesting documentary. The money trail connecting fanatics on all sides of the political spectrum might also have been movie-worthy stuff. Sadly, Barbet Schroeder swiftly loses himself in his own maze and slowly meanders around in it for more than two hours. A director with his experience has no excuse for disorganization that drains the life from what should have been a much better production. See if desperate

Review – The Devil’s Hand

Bad script (some kind of nonsense about a devil cult that uses voodoo dolls to maim and kill people). Bad acting (the high point: hey, isn’t that the guy who played Commissioner Gordon on the old Batman TV series?). Bad production values (cheap, flammable sets and a total overdose of lounge music). This thing barely claws its way up from Ed-Wood-level filmmaking, and yet it’s still better than most of the camcorder crap infecting the market now. See if desperate

Review – Lovely Molly

This indie horror picture introduces an interesting new element or two. If nothing else, the couple beset by a haunting are working class – a truck driver and a custodian – rather than the usual collection of suburbanites. It also sports some unusually graphic sex; I was a trifle surprised this got an R rather than a dreaded NC-17 from the MPAA. Beyond that, sadly, not much. Vengeful spirits. Childhood abuse memories. And worst of all, an unreliable narrator (and all the plot problems that entails). At least it didn’t turn out to be the “found footage” mess the pre-credits footage made it look like. Mildly amusing

Review – Apartment 143

More “found footage.” More ghost-hunting. More families with dark secrets. Yay. The folks who made this picture must have taken a “How to Make a Horror Movie” class, paid rapt attention during the “booga booga” lecture but then skipped or slept for the rest of the semester. A handful of the shock shots supply a thrill or two, but the plot, script and characters are pure crud. Even the good moments are offset by the copious use of annoying racket such an endlessly ringing phone, that buzzing noise you get in your ears sometimes, and general cacophony. See if desperate

Review – The Tall Man

The folks in distribution went out of their ways to make this look like a supernatural slasher movie, which it most certainly is not. Normally I wouldn’t fault a filmmaker for the misdeeds of the publicity department, but writer/director Pascal Laugier spends the first half of the movie conveying that same false impression. So when it turns out to be an uneven blend of hillbilly melodrama and grim meditation on poverty and child abuse, the new angle meets with a cold reception. Pick a movie and make it. Or at least do a better job of mixing genres. See if desperate

Review – Exit Humanity

For some time I’d been tempted to give up on blends of the horror and Western genres. Then The Burrowers gave me reason to hope. Well, abandon that all ye who enter here. The filmmakers shot for a cross of The Outlaw Josey Wales and George Romero, but what they got was more Jonah Hex dumbed down into an idiot-with-a-camcorder zombie picture. Dee Wallace must be desperate for cash or simply doing someone a favor to show up in witless, low-budget gunk like this. See if desperate