Review – Don't Look Now

“Don’t Watch Ever” might have been better advice. This Nicholas Roeg supernatural thriller is one of those productions that would be really creepy if it was actually happening to you, but just watching it happen to fictional characters in a movie is merely dull. Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie play the parents of a little blonde girl who starts apparently appearing here and there in Venice despite having died some time earlier. Roeg manages to conjure an interesting visual here and there, but they’re no match for the weak script and wooden acting. The sex scene between the leads is especially horrific, easily qualifying as the least stimulating set of visuals since the horny hairy humpin’ hippies that grace the pages of The Joy of Sex. “Don’t look now” is some seriously good advice for that scene! Perhaps by 1973 standards this was an eerie bit of psychological horror, but now it rarely rises above boring. See if desperate

Review – Come and See

This is a hard movie to watch for a handful of reasons. It’s grim and depressing, though of course that’s exactly what you’d expect from a brutally accurate depiction of Nazi atrocities on the Eastern Front in 1943. Occasionally the flow falls victim to Socialist art school conceits. And why are Russian movies so hard on the cows? I think this is a tradition that dates back to Eisenstein’s Strike. No SPCA in the Soviet Union in 1985, I guess. But if you can get past the rough spots, this is an important production. When 30 million people die, someone ought to make a movie about it. And overall this one’s quite good. The nightmare of the village destruction sequence easily rivals anything from Hollywood holocaust movies. Worth seeing

Review – Assault on Precinct 13 (2004)

At least this didn’t turn out quite as bad as some other recent remakes. However, that’s at least in part because if you’re remaking The Manchurian Candidate you’ve got some serious living up to do. Redoing a mediocre offering from early in John Carpenter’s career, on the other hand, imposes less of a burden. Some of the new twists this time around actually help the plot. For example, in the original the attack by a gang took place in Los Angeles in clear weather. It’s easier to understand why nobody comes to the aid of a besieged police station in Detroit in the middle of a blinding snowstorm when the attacking forces turn out to be crooked cops (sorry about the minor spoiler, but it’s revealed early in the movie as well, not to mention on the DVD box). The acting is uneven, ranging from good work from Lawrence Fishburne to standard stuff from John Leguizamo to sub-par posturing from Ja Rule. Production values are good, and the story keeps moving fairly well. Mildly amusing

Review – White Noise

This whole thing reminds me of Jack Barth’s prank attempt to start a rumor that if you watch empty static on TV long enough occasionally the Virgin Mary will manifest herself across the vacant airwaves. The gag here is Electronic Voice Phenomenon, messages from ghosts rather than the Blessed Virgin, but the thought’s still pretty much the same. That spoiled at least the first third of the movie, because I kept expecting the EVP thing to turn out to be a scam, or better yet a scam that turns out to be real. I also had trouble suspending disbelief in visual manifestations. Audio I can imagine, but it was hard to get behind the notion that the dead can modulate their disembodied spirits to conform to NTSC standards. That aside, however, I guess the production has a few good moments. Of course it has a lot more moments in which characters – especially lead Michael Keaton – just sit around gawking at whatever is or isn’t happening on static-filled TV screens, or even what’s going on around them in the real world. Overall it’s a lot more wind-up than pitch. Mildly amusing

Review – No Way Out

I expect that objectively this is no better – in fact little different – from dozens of other espionage thrillers. But subjectively I like this one. I shouldn’t. Most of the back half of the movie dwells on the hero barely slipping out of a tedious parade of tight spots. The limo sex scene wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t find it as “inspirational” as some other folks did. The plot is one of those twisty-turny things that defies quick encapsulation, so suffice it to say that it involves an ambitious Navy officer, a sex triangle, and a lot of Washington intrigue. The end took me by surprise, which I found entertaining even though it didn’t add anything material to the plot. I liked the use of real D.C. area locations, but I probably could have done without Kevin Costner and Sean Young clogging them up with their “acting.” Overall this is more entertaining than enlightening, but that’s what you should probably expect from such an outing. Mildly amusing

Review – The Boogeyman

Ever since the first Halloween I’ve been waiting for KC and the Sunshine Band to show up on the soundtrack of a movie about the Boogeyman. Skunked again, I’m afraid. But that’s about all I’m afraid of in this tedious borefest about a guy still battling the childhood nightmare that snatched his father 15 years earlier. The filmmakers rely almost exclusively on those bone-jarring assaults of jump cuts that tear by at five or six frames per. The technique has been used to good effect elsewhere, but here there’s little in the way of plot or character to back it up. Compare this to that childhood classic, “The Golden Arm.” The arm works because it’s worked into a story and because the shock is only used once. Watching this movie was a little like spending 90 minutes being grabbed and having “You’ve got it!” shouted in my ear over and over. It gets old after awhile, especially with nothing else there to keep it interesting. See if desperate

Review – Batman Begins

Yeah, eventually. But he sure takes his time doing it. For the longest stretch at the beginning this movie does one of my least favorite tricks: ping-ponging back and forth between three or four different time frames. As much as I dislike this trick in general, my hat’s off for the effort to show not only the murders that first turned young Bruce Wayne against crime but also the trials and training that eventually turned him into a superhero. Once it settles down into a single stream, the plot becomes more of a straightforward good guys vs. bad guys story. This is also one of those productions that features a gaggle of big-name celebrities in supporting roles. But the best part for my money was that Batman was – at least in places – actually scary. This is the first, last and only Caped Crusader that ever left me believing that criminals would be afraid of him. I kinda hope they make a series out of this (when’s the last time you heard me say that about a movie?), but if they do I hope it doesn’t go downhill like the Tim Burton set did. Worth seeing

Review – Alone in the Dark (2005)

In the dark we may be, but alone we ain’t. We’re in here with quite the collection, including Pitch Black, Aliens, X Files, The Relic, The Keep, The Tingler … yes that’s right, The Tingler. Just think what a bargain it is to be able to see little Cliff’s Notes chunks of these and several other pictures all for the price of a single video rental. Everyone involved mails in their performances, even Tara Reid (proud recipient of the Denise Richards Nuclear Physicist award for her role as an archaeologist). The script and direction are weak, and the effects are one step (if that) above PlayStation graphics. Someday someone is going to make a really solid archaeology-based horror movie. Sadly, we’re apparently going to have to wait at least a little longer. At least this wasn’t as bad as the last video-game-based effort from Uwe “House of the Dead” Boll. Maybe next they’ll turn him loose on Frogger. See if desperate

Review – National Treasure

For a cheap (well okay, medium budget) knock-off of The DaVinci Code, this could have been a lot worse. Nicolas Cage was an odd pick for the role of treasure-hunting antiquities expert; he plays it a lot like his role in The Rock, and here it doesn’t work. I also think the writers could have worked a little harder to come up with some better twists or at least more obvious character motivations. But overall I had more fun with this than I did with the Dan Brown novel from which it’s pretty clearly stealing some thunder. Here some folks are making what everyone can clearly recognize as a silly caper movie about a vast trove of treasure, which for my taste is at least a step or two above doing the same thing with an important element of an important religion. Added surprise bonus: at least some elements are actually more historically accurate than Brown. Mildly amusing

Review – The Cockettes

Ah, what a magical time the late sixties and early seventies must have been in San Francisco. So magical, indeed, that apparently a number of the interviewees in this documentary don’t seem to remember things all that well. But that doesn’t stop this from being an interesting look at the birth, development and death of the Cockettes. To call the troupe a drag show would be selling it way short, as there was a measure of art and also some famous faces (Alan Ginsberg, Divine, Sylvester) making guest appearances along the way. I was surprised at how well-documented even the early days of the show turned out to be. Especially in the age before consumer video, it’s rare to find something this off-the-wall that has such an extensive visual record. And the footage sure helps, because watching what these folks were doing back in the day is a lot more interesting than listening to them reminisce about it now. If you’ve an interest in the subject or its setting, by all means give this movie a look. Mildly amusing

Review – Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith

Well, at least now it’s over. This wasn’t a terrible movie, but it was sort of poorly put together. The biggest problem is that George Lucas (back in the director’s chair on top of being the idea guy for the franchise) is faced with the daunting task of tying up all the loose ends. How does the brooding teenager Anakin Skywalker turn evil enough to become Darth Vader by the end of this show? Unfortunately his conversion moves in a series of leaps, some of which aren’t all that convincing. Some of the technical stuff comes up short, too. For example, there’s a sequence early in the movie in which Natalie Portman just looks weird, like her makeup is messed up or the lighting is way off. Overall, however, this is an entertaining production. The effects are good. The story is appropriately murky (a little long on political intrigue, but perhaps that was unavoidable). And at the end of the series we arrive back at the beginning, sort of a Wagnerian twist. If I’d never seen any of the rest of them, I probably wouldn’t have thought much of this. But I’ve been watching these things for nearly three decades now. This episode supplies the closure we’ve all been waiting for at least since Phantom Menace. Mildly amusing

Review – Hellraiser: Deader

I never in a million years would have thought this series would make it to seven movies. Of course, to be fair they’re cheating a bit at this point. This is one of those sequels that looks a lot like it was originally written as something else and then had some of the franchise’s stock jim jams crammed in – probably largely to help it sell. Doug Bradley is back once again as the jim-jam-in-chief, putting in a couple of brief cameo-menaces of Kari Wuhrer (and whoever thought she’d be up to a lead role was mistaken). There are some trademark Barker-isms here and there (including a nod to  “Midnight Meat Train” that doesn’t fit the already-weak logic of the production). But for the most part this is warmed-over sins of the last two: cheap, fake, kinky sex mixed with meandering plot, all of which is ultimately killed by the use of so many is-this-reality fits and starts that it becomes impossible to care if we’re being lied to anymore. Despite all the screaming and bleeding and jump-cutting, at a couple of points I actually started to fall asleep. Toward the end it returned briefly to some of the charm of the original, but by then it wasn’t enough to justify the rest of the experience. Overall my hope still stands where it was after #4: that the series will finally prove to be not only merely dead but really most sincerely dead. See if desperate

Review – Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

Cute kids. Clever premise. Nice supporting cast (with the exception of the always-frantically-overstated Jim Carry). But there’s just something here that isn’t quite working. For starters, if you want Tim Burton go ahead and pay for him. Further, don’t try to cram three books into one movie; the resulting plot will seem more than a little jumpy. In particular, a quick look at some of the deleted scenes and outtakes will reveal some spots where the story was supposed to have a bit more meat to it. Of course, they also reveal even more of Carry’s pesky antics. I haven’t read any of the books, but now I’m a little sorry that I didn’t start there instead of with the movie version. This production was a lot like trying to make a salad into a full meal. Mildly amusing

Review – Darkness

In the wake of The Ring I guess Hollywood has decided to let international directors run riot in the realm of the mid-budget ghost story. Trouble is, there’s more scary in the first ten minutes of The Ring (which itself wasn’t exactly a great paragon of the horror arts) than in the whole running time of this stinker. Indeed, the movie’s half over before anything happens that even appears to have been intended to be frightening, and even then it’s more annoying than anything else. What decent plot elements it picks up along the way are almost entirely “borrowed” from other movies such as The Amityville Horror. It picks up a teeny bit close to the end, but overall … well, one of the occult images associated with our family’s evil-possessed house is the ouroboros. Somehow the image of something biting itself in the ass is all too apt. See if desperate

Review – Days of Heaven

The visuals are the star of this Terrence Malik production. Richard Gere, Brooke Adams and Sam Shepard – all young in 1978 – turn in average performances. The passage from Genesis upon which this is loosely based is only ten verses long, and though things are fleshed out a bit with some soap opera twists and turns there still isn’t much of a story to speak of. The dialogue and narrative are also oddly cut, the plot spinning out in fits and starts. However, the look and feel are something else. The open plains of Texas in the late 19-teens give Malick plenty of opportunities to work with cinematography and art direction to produce something that, however dull, is very visually impressive. Mildly amusing

Review – Blade Trinity

Third verse, same as the first. New tricks this time around include a gaggle of gizmos ranging from anti-vampire viruses to iPods. Beyond product placement, however, this is more of that old, familiar, comic book plot and dialogue. If you liked the first two, odds are this one will have the same effect. If you didn’t like them, why are you still bothering with these things? Mildly amusing

Review – Something Wild

This 1986 opus from Jonathan Demme deserves prominent feature at any Midlife Crisis film festival, especially if shown as a double feature with Into the Night. But beyond that it’s a little hard to watch. Part of the problem crops up early on, when the protagonist (Jeff Daniels) comes across as sort of a dickhead. When we later learn that things aren’t exactly as they seem he’s partially redeemed, but it’s hard to get behind a guy who’s been less than likable for an hour or so. Beyond the weak story, there are a few small lures here and there. This is one of those productions that feature a lot of cameos, including John Sayles and John Waters within a couple of minutes of each other. Beyond that all you get is a small dose of clever, a good-sized pile of the 80s, and a whole lot of boring. See if desperate

Review – The Seven Samurai

If you see only one samurai movie, make this the one. It has everything: Akira Kurosawa at his finest behind the camera, Toshiro Mifune hamming it up in front of the camera, the running time, the shot composition, the zen philosophizing, and of course the swordfights. The only drawback is that it was shot in black and white (normally fine with me, but I’ve seen Kurosawa do some impressive stuff with color and have long wondered if he wouldn’t have preferred it here). Further, this tale of hired killers employed by villagers for protection against bandits has resurfaced in American pop culture again and again. I suppose it helps to have a taste for this kind of movie, but if this is the sort of thing you enjoy, then don’t miss this one. It’s the genre at its peak, and one of my favorite movies of all time. Caveat on the Criterion Collection DVD, however: it was telecined from a really inconsistent print. If it’s re-released in a cleaned-up version later, I’d definitely re-buy it. Buy the disc