Review – Resident Evil: Apocalypse

If you liked the first one, odds are you’re going to like this one too. Of course you might not; this one’s a little more plot-free than the original. But it’s still the basic video-game, zombie-blasting, brainless horror action formula. Both Mila Jovovich and some kind of a super-zombie apparently called a Nemesis have been genetically manipulated by the dreaded Umbrella Corporation, and most of the other characters and plot-lines come across as mere backdrop to battles between this pair. Some of the effects are okay, but otherwise it doesn’t have much going for it. See if desperate

Review – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

This is the movie I expected to get when I rented Elf. And just as I was pleasantly surprised when Elf turned out to be somewhat entertaining, I was unpleasantly reminded here of what crimes against humor Will Ferrell is capable of perpetrating. The plot’s some trite nonsense about a local news anchor in the 1970s coming to grips with a female co-worker. But the story’s beside the point. Sadly, the main purpose of this sad production is a relentless showcase for jokes that might charitably be described as quirky but would be more aptly called moronic. This also features a heapin’ helpin’ of that old SNL standby: when the joke doesn’t work, just keep doing it and dragging it out and doing it some more, hoping to draw a laugh out of the audience’s sheer embarrassment. That rarely works live and certainly doesn’t work here. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Dodgeball

I didn’t hate this as much as I thought I was going to. Sure, it’s every bit as stupid as you’d expect a Ben Stiller movie about dodgeball to be. But the lack of expectation actually helps make some of the humor a little easier to take. Don’t get me wrong, though. This is a cliché-clogged parade of brainless gags if ever there was one. Further, it’s got more than just a touch of Stiller’s trademark awkwardness that’s supposed to be funny but rarely works. Still, if you don’t expect much out of it then at least some of the production will provide a bit of mindless fun. It’s also somewhat better on DVD because of the alternate ending joke. Mildly amusing

Review – The True Meaning of Pictures

This documentary on Shelby Lee Adams’ photographs of the people who live in poverty in the Appalachians benefits from its subject matter but suffers in just about every other respect. I guess Adams’ photos are kinda interesting, though in more than one of them it looks like he’s treating his subjects like zoo animals being placed on exhibit for their other-ness (especially the snake handlers). But his work is worth a look, at least. The commentary, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as welcome. Photos – and any other work of art, for that matter – should be presented to the viewer, who is then left to make what she or he will of them. If the artist intended to convey a message that isn’t ultimately conveyed, then that’s weak art. Adding a parcel of East Coast intellectuals sniping at this aspect or that of the photographer’s work adds nothing to the experience. Worse, it detracts from the power of the film by adding an annoying element. Mildly amusing

Review – King Arthur

Here we have the classic tale re-set in early Christian, Roman England. Arthur is a Roman officer, and his knights are draftees from Eastern Europe. Our heroes forge an alliance with Scottish natives when the whole bunch is threatened by a Saxon invasion. That sounds like it might make a thought-provoking movie, but in truth the historical trappings are little more than window-dressing for an average Jerry Bruckheimer action flick. Some of the fight scenes are okay – though I saw only the director’s cut and thus can’t say how it compares to the theatrical release in the violence department. However, those expecting a more straightforward retelling a la Mallory and company may come away disappointed. Mildly amusing

Review – Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Them big snakes is at it again. There’s some mish-mash in here about a scientific expedition searching for a flower that may prove to be the fountain of youth, but really it’s just an excuse to drop a group of Americans into a jungle full of big, computer-animated reptiles. I guess they’re supposed to be vicious and all, but it’s almost hard not to feel sorry for them in the end given that their human opponents just spent the last hour and a half making themselves as unsympathetic as possible. See if desperate

Review – Punk Rock Holocaust

How much fun can we have watching latter-day “punk” bands being killed by a guy in a scarf and goggles? I’d guess maybe 30 minutes or so. There’s a measure of charm to this light-hearted spoof of slasher movies, particularly the decision to yank out any semblance of plot and just have bands and fans relentlessly slaughtered. The cheesy effects are kinda fun as well. It also helped that the bands were acts from the Warped Tour, so at least some of them were recognizable. So that’s a half an hour worth of solid entertainment. Trouble was, this thing went on for three times that long without ever sprouting much of a plot or a purpose. On the other hand, it was just about as amusing in fast forward (maybe even more so). Indeed, it might have gotten a slightly higher rating if it hadn’t come across as big ad for the tour and its corporate sponsors. See if desperate

Review – P2

Here we go again. A workaholic woman trying to escape the office and get home to her family on Christmas Eve ends up trapped in the building’s parking garage by a psycho stalker security guard. The set-up takes 20 minutes or so, and from there on out the only plot this thing manages is an endless parade of how’s-she-going-to-fail-to-escape over and over. Indeed, in a couple of spots I thought briefly that the Netflix download had skipped somehow, because the script came so preposterously close to repeating itself. The picture might have edged a point for production values – at least it wasn’t too cheap – but then our heroine kills the stalker’s dog with a crowbar. She had provocation, but still. And if you’re about to ask me why I watch movies like this if I hate them so much, my only defense is that Instant View makes it really, really easy. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Men Who Killed Kennedy

So the Warren Commission’s pepper was full of fly shit. Who knew? Seriously, this is a laborious, six-part (five shot in the late 80s plus a follow-up made for the History Channel) dissection of every little angle of the Kennedy assassination. The evidence points to some sort of conspiracy to shoot the President and/or cover up some aspects of the killing. I’d be the last to argue against the notion that something fishy seemed to have been going on back in 1963. But many of the characters interviewed for this series seem to have spent so much time obsessing over small problems that they’ve lost track of the need for the big picture. Further, some have gotten so caught up in their “angles” that they can’t see how bizarre their conclusions have become. On the other hand, the documentary becomes all the more entertaining thanks to the inclusion of the ranters and the weepers and other assorted crazies. A lot of the old footage is interesting too. Mildly amusing

Review – The Lion in Winter

Wow, and I thought get-togethers with my family at Christmas were bad. At least nobody (as far as I know) in my family ever sat around plotting to kill one another. Not so, apparently, with Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitane and their sons. The script is the major defect in this production; it plays like a play, which of course is precisely what it was before it was brought with insufficient adaptation to the silver screen. Further, the dialogue rockets back and forth between mushy and biting so rapidly that it almost becomes the medieval, royal version of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe? The acting’s hammy, but it would almost be disappointing if that wasn’t so. And certainly in terms of gender relations it’s very much a creature of its own times. Mildly amusing

Review – Gothic

Ken Russell puts his unmistakable thumbprint all over this terrifically terrible movie loosely based on the weekend that gave birth to the original Frankenstein story. Gabriel Byrne and Julian Sands do battle to see who can ham it up the worst, though ultimately the title has to go to Myriam Cyr as Claire, Mary Shelly’s half-sister. I suppose there might have been half a concept here; fears so concentrated that they become real is almost believable in the romantic, gothic realm of the poets in question. There’s also some solid erotic horror potential in here as well. But Russell brings his usual aplomb with female characters to full bear, and that alone is enough to kill the production. Throw in an unusually disjointed script and all you’re really left with on the plus side is a lengthy parade of the director’s distinctive visual style, sometimes entertaining but not enough on its own to sustain a picture of this length. See if desperate

Review – Gosford Park

This seems to be the sort of film Eddie Izzard was making fun of during the “English movies” part of his “Dress to Kill” performance. Except of course this is an American production. Robert Altman serves up another ensemble cast up against a script that’s part funny, part mystery and all mediocre. Though it has a couple of amusing moments, it generally doesn’t work as a comedy. And the mystery is too easy to unravel; if I got it as early as I did then it wouldn’t be much of a challenge at all to serious mystery buffs. The acting’s good, but the rest of the movie’s more disposable than I’d like for a couple of hours’ worth of dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Rage

Boy did I ever learn some interesting stuff from this movie. The first surprise was that Jello Biafra was still alive after all these years (or at least he was still sucking air in 2000 when this documentary was made). The second revelation was even more astounding: before spending an hour of my life on this, I had no idea how boring punk rock was. I always thought it was about enjoying life, about challenging social norms, about … well … just about anything besides this. After all these years it’s a tremendous disappointment to see that some of the seminal figures of the west coast punk scene don’t have anything more to say for themselves other than feeble protests about how they never sold out. I know the genre relies heavily on its attitude, but this seems to be nothing but. I was hoping for more. See if desperate

Review – Panic Room

Here’s the claustrophobic thriller taken to its ultimate degree as Jodie Foster and her sickly child end up trapped in a “panic room” while housebreakers outside try to figure out a way in. I guess it’s just her bad luck that what the thieves want is in the people vault with her. If only she’d remembered to get the emergency phone connected. And so on go the plot twists, each serving more to keep the story running rather than pointing it in any particular direction. It’s kind of like watching the end of a chess game where both players are down to a couple of pieces and slowly maneuver around each other trying to come up with a kill without being killed or stalemated. I guess a lot of movies do the same thing, but the taste becomes overpowering in such a closed environment. Mildly amusing