Review – Aguirre, The Wrath of God

Werner Herzog and jungles just don’t mix. Here he serves up the grim tale of an offshoot of Pizarro’s expedition. Their original assignment was to head down river (at least that was a change in direction from the usual Heart of Darkness stuff) and find help for the army of conquistadors. But after the crew runs into trouble, a sub-commander named Aguirre takes over. Given that the character is played by old Herzog standby Klaus Kinski, it almost goes without saying that our anti-hero starts out crazy bad and just gets worse as the plot progresses. It also almost goes without saying that before the show ends we’re treated to a lot of long, tedious soul-searching punctuated by random acts of savagery. I used to have a higher tolerance for this stuff than I do now. There are some beautiful shots toward the beginning, but ultimately they don’t justify the whole depressing thing. See if desperate

Review – Gremlins 2: The New Batch

While the first Gremlins movie had more than its share of Spielberg, this one’s almost pure Joe Dante. There’s some weak excuse for a plot here somewhere, but the real draw of this sequel is the nearly endless stream of sub-references, in-jokes and other little clever moments. On the other hand, if you thought Gizmo was insufferably cute in the original then stand by and be prepared to be thoroughly sickened by the wittle cwitter this time around. Beyond that, however, it’s a genuine pleasure just to keep up with all the little Dante touches. The DVD is also worth a look for fans; the deleted scenes and outtakes seem like they go on as long as the movie itself. Mildly amusing

Review – A Knight’s Tale

Medieval drama combines with teen-oriented action-adventure in a picture that’s likely to appeal to neither genre’s audience. Hunk-of-the-week Heath Ledger stars as a commoner who impersonates nobility so he can become a celebrity on the jousting circuit. I guess the integration of old tunes by David Bowie, Queen and the like was a mildly cute innovation, as was the use of Geoffrey Chaucer as a “let’s get ready to rumble” event barker. But beyond that this is little more than a sub-standard blend of juvenile sports action with lances rather than footballs. See if desperate

Review – Zoolander

So if you set out to make a movie about stupid characters and the end result turns out to be one of the dumbest things ever committed to celluloid, can your work be described as a success? I’m willing to say no on that one, at least based on what I’m looking at here. This whole movie plays like a bad piece of sketch comedy that even the writers know is bad, but it just keeps going and going in the vain hope that sheer tenacity will eventually translate into entertainment value. If you think there’s sport in mocking the world of male fashion models – or maybe if you find Ben Stiller’s grinning monkey head funnier than I do – perhaps you’ll get a kick out of this. Otherwise, well, at least it began with a Z. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Crazies

Though in retrospect this comes across as sort of a dry run for Dawn of the Dead, it’s got a lot more going for it than just that. The basic premise – townspeople driven mad by biological weapon accidentally unleashed by Army that then descends on the town in an attempt to contain the problem – isn’t entirely dissimilar to Romero’s zombie pictures. But the really intriguing part of this movie is the struggle of the protagonists not only to escape the doomed town but also to determine who among their number has come down with the insanity plague (as opposed to merely behaving abnormally due to the abnormal situation they all find themselves in). George Romero isn’t exactly the master of subtlety, and to be sure most of the entertainment value to be found here relies on gore or other cheap thrills. But here and there this outing’s got a little more going for it. Mildly amusing

Review – Shivers

“Yawns” might have been a better title. Ostensibly this is a movie about a parasite that moves into a seventies-modern high rise and goes to work infesting the residents, driving them to wanton acts of lust and violence. However, contrived explanations aside this comes across as little more than an excuse for a lot of cheap gore and a smattering of cheap sex. This early effort by David Cronenberg has all the misogynist ickiness that makes his movies hard to watch while at the same time lacking the visual sophistication and plot nuances that at least partially redeem his later work. See if desperate

Review – Monster

Thank goodness Hollywood let a woman direct this. I’m not saying that putting a man at the helm would have automatically turned the story of Aileen Wuornos into a chicks-with-chicks sex-fest between Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci, but the odds of a cheap exploitation mess would probably have gone up at least a little. As it turns out, the production does a reasonably good job of capturing the sad story of a down-on-her-luck sex worker turned “America’s first female serial killer” (a title incorrectly bestowed upon Wuornos, by the way). The protagonist comes across as simultaneously sympathetic and repulsive, which I suppose fits reality fairly well. Worth seeing

Review – Looker

With all his Jurassic Park and ER millions, I’m a little surprised Michael Crichton hasn’t made more of an effort to buy up all copies of this embarrassment from earlier in his career. The premise is actually kind of impressive, especially considering that the whole idea of using computer simulations to create ads more computer-perfect than real actors could do was strictly a thing of the future in the early 80s. However, the execution is so inept that any chance that the plot might have succeeded is swiftly undone by script, acting and effects. Not even the best story could possibly survive Albert Finney chasing bad guys around with a device that’s supposed to cause memory loss and temporary paralysis but instead looks more like its proper use would be adjusting timing on car engines. And maybe Susan Dey’s nay-nays were a draw somewhere between The Partridge Family and L.A. Law, now the nude scene comes across as a little flat. On the other hand, the scene where Dey gets digitized does mark the approximate point between the interesting plot revelations and the movie’s descent into the realm of mediocre thriller. Mildly amusing

Review – Troy

Here’s something you don’t see every day: a source story so huge that even a lavish Hollywood epic seems small by comparison. All the stars, effects, and other tinseltown hogwash manage to fall disappointingly short of Homer’s simple words. And speaking of Homer, I wish movies wouldn’t credit their sources with things like “Inspired by Homer’s ‘The Iliad.’” If they really feel the need for accurate attribution, the card should have read something more like: “Story line vaguely related to Homer, dialogue inspired by the secret diary of a nine-year-old girl who lives somewhere in Shawnee Mission.” This isn’t a bad movie. It’s as pleasant a death as two and a half hours can reasonably expect. It just isn’t adequate to its subject. Mildly amusing