Review – Boiler Room

Here once again is the faux macho world of stock swindlers. This time around it’s a “boiler room” full of cold-calling eager beavers selling worthless shares as part of a scheme that’s a little too complicated to even try to summarize in a quick review (not that I understood it super well to begin with). The hero is the usual earnest young man trying to make it big so he can impress his tough-love father. The big problem here isn’t the story itself, which wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. The problem is that it gives us little beyond genre clichés, recycled characters and plots from more entertaining movies. On the positive side, however, is that one of the swindle victims actually has a name and a face, so it seems less like a victimless crime. Mildly amusing

Review – Blow

I think this is the movie Traffic secretly wanted to be. Down deep it has the same “just say no to the decadent life of a drug dealer” ethos, but it manages to sugar-coat this boring pill with a thick veneer of faux coolness, including a host of “edgy” actors (including Johnny Depp, Paul Reubens, and a brief appearance by Bobcat Goldthwaite). This is the sad, supposedly “based on a true” story of a kid from small town Massachusetts who grows up to be the biggest coke dealer in the United States. His rise to power is amusing in a Scarface sort of way, but his subsequent decline drips far too much cheap sentiment, particularly when the protagonist starts mooning around about not being a good father to his little girl. Overall I guess I’ve seen worse drug movies. Mildly amusing

Review – Hercules in New York

One of my standard insults for bad movies from the early days of big stars’ careers is the suggestion that they use their vast wealth to buy up all copies of their past mistakes. Usually that’s just a snide aside. But here, really honestly, were I Arnold Schwarzenegger I would devote whatever portion of my vast holdings was necessary to acquire the rights to this barking dog and put it out of its misery. Billed as “Arnold Strong,” the Austrian muscleman makes his narrative film debut in this odd tale of the ancient Greek demigod cast to earth to live among the mortals of the Big Apple. Clearly this is intended to be a send-up of the old Steve Reeves Hercules flicks, and as such I guess it’s supposed to be a comedy. To be sure, it’s plenty funny, just not in the parts where humor was intended. The jokes almost all fall flat, but the sheer awkwardness and ineptitude of the production more than make up the entertainment deficit. My personal favorite part was a scene supposedly taking place atop Mount Olympus in which car horns are clearly audible in the background. In the end, this is one of the all-time champs of the so-bad-it’s-good school of filmmaking. Mildly amusing

Review – The Alchemists

Once again the big drug companies are up to no good. This time they’re dumping experimental batches of drugs on the market. Intentions range from good to profitable: they’re trying to produce disease-free children (oh, and also introduce some kind of engineered virus that only the company’s product can cure). But hubris is once again duly punished as mothers and babies die in childbirth. A small cadre of folks – ranging from drug company researchers to a corporate spy to a disgruntled journalist – uncover the plot, making them targets for corporate killers. Though this isn’t necessarily a bad movie, it’s not necessarily a good one either. The acting’s okay without being great. The script is straightforward but uninspiring. And the action advances the plot without providing much excitement. In short, if you like this kind of thing you won’t be disappointed. Mildly amusing

Review – Romeo + Juliet

I’m already on record as disliking Shakespeare for the most part. Sure, I admit I’d like to drag the ol’ guy out and whack him around a little for serving up tedious dishes (especially this one) that I had to smile and swallow throughout high school and college. However, judging by this production Baz Luhrmann hates the Bard a whole hell of a lot more than I do. This is one of the first attempts to sell Shakespeare to the MTV generation by packaging the play as an extended music video studded with Gen-X flashes-in-the-pan, and needless to say the crimes against humanity contained herein are legion. Problems range from the big stuff (such as the complete lack of chemistry between Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in the title roles) right down to the steam-room scene starring Daddy Capulet (honestly, if I’ve got my choice of Sorvinos appearing topless, Paul doesn’t exactly head the list). The art direction is very heavy on the Catholic iconography, some of which is vaguely interesting. But the jump-cutting, music-blaring, scenery-chewing crap that infests this production throughout tends to overpower any charm it might have otherwise used to beguile audiences. See if desperate

Review – Heavy Metal

Aside from being one of the great classics of adult-oriented animation, this doesn’t have much going for it. Sure, if you’re into the magazine that made the movie possible, or even if you just happen to like hard rock from the early 80s, you may get a minor kick out of this. Otherwise it’ll really help if you’re a pubescent boy, because that’s the mind-set this whole thing appears to be aimed at. I guess that’s a mean way of saying that I really loved this movie back when I was a sci-fi-con-attending teenager, but now that I view it again with a slightly more mature perspective it doesn’t impress me anywhere near as much. Objectively speaking, much of the animation is really terrible by the standards of work that came later. I’ll fess up to still getting a kick out of the WWII bomber sequence, but the rest of it leaves me more than a little flat. However, for fans of the movie the DVD contains several features (deleted scenes, feature-length rough cut, commentary, etc.) that should make the disc worth a look. Mildly amusing

Review – The Fast and the Furious

This movie sucks, yo. It wasn’t all that much better the first time I saw it, when it was called Point Break, yo. Only this time around it’s street-racing hijackers rather than surfing bank robbers, yo. The representations of street racing are nearly unforgivably stupid, made only slightly better by the constantly blaring soundtrack, yo. The final product is clearly intended for audiences that are both easily-impressed and teenagers, and because I’ve been outside the latter category for many years and never was a member of the former, I didn’t much care for this un-thrilling two-hour thrill ride. Yo. See if desperate

Review – Targets

Two independent stories intertwine in this odd little piece from the early part of Peter Bogdanovich’s career. The first appears to be lifted almost completely from Charles Whitman’s brief moment in the national spotlight, though our anti-hero here chooses a big oil tank for a shooting platform rather than a campus bell tower. The other tale has nothing obvious to do with the first; it focuses on a aging horror star named Byron Orloc, played by aging horror star Boris Karloff. Orloc is trying to retire from the profession, but he agrees to put in an appearance at a drive-in theater that’s screening one of his old movies. The two plots come together at the drive-in, where the killer continues his slaying spree from a concealed spot behind the movie screen. The most entertainment I managed to derive from the sniper subplot was keeping an eye out for parallels between the story and Whitman’s crimes. The best part of the Karloff side was Bogdonovich’s use of the star’s actual previous appearances – especially The Terror – to help establish the character. The fictional world’s connections to reality helped transform what might have been a mediocre movie into something a little more entertaining. Mildly amusing

Review – Airheads

Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi and Adam Sandler all star as a trio of losers just as the actors’ respective careers were really starting to take off back in the mid-90s. All things considered this isn’t a terrible movie, not the sort of thing that you’d think the stars would later pool their funds to force out of distribution. But it’s telling that cameos include Lemmy (von Motorhead) and Beavis and Butthead. The plot here is that desperate garage-band musicians use realistic-looking toy guns to hold up a radio station and demand air time for their demo tape. Things go wrong. Hijack turns to high-jinx. Michael Richards crawls around in air ducts. Though little of the story makes much sense, it occasionally manages to provide a laugh or two to go along with the poorly-crafted bathos. Mildly amusing

Review – The Wizard of Oz

Timeless classics of this sort are a little hard to review, especially inasmuch as I’m a little outside the picture’s traditional audience (kids and gay men living the stereotype). And yeah, some of the things that used to seem magical when I was younger now seem more than a little on the silly side. Further, I suppose I should resent this movie for giving the whole wide world the impression that Kansas is so boring that it’s actually in black and white. But despite all that, I still really like this story. It has a charming simplicity and innocence that’s hard not to love. And as villains go, there’s just no beating the Wicked Witch of the West. Oh, what I couldn’t accomplish if I had an army of flying monkeys! Worth seeing

Review – Taps

When a movie combines war and children, you can pretty much bet that you’re in for some heavy-handed fare. The interesting part about this production is that when the heavy hand finally falls, it’s a little hard to tell exactly where it lands. Timothy Hutton stars as the chief cadet at a military school headed by a crusty old blood and guts general played by George C. Scott. The school’s trustees want to shut the place down and sell the land to a condo developer, a process accelerated when Scott shoots a local boy in an altercation. Hutton and his fellow cadets decide that honor and tradition compel them to take up arms and seize the school. What follows is a couple of hours’ worth of drama that can’t seem to decide if it’s a bittersweet tribute to the childish simplicity of antiquated military ideals or a cautionary tale about the dangers of adhering to honor codes without thinking critically about the consequences of one’s actions. Either way, most of the entertainment value contained herein isn’t in the story or the dialogue as much as it’s in the acting, and even then the real interest stems almost entirely from the number of late teens/early 20s actors who went on to bigger and better things. Hutton really didn’t, but he’s supported by such luminaries-in-training as Tom Cruise, Sean Penn, and several other recognizable faces. See if desperate

Review – The Others

E for effort, but effort alone just isn’t enough to carry a 90-minute movie. The set-up in this ghostly tale is some of the best I’ve ever seen. The suspense builds slowly yet artfully, at worst a bit on the boring side but at best downright creepy. Sadly, there’s very little payoff. Sure, Nicole Kidman does a fine job in the lead, and even the little British kids (generally not my favorite sub-group of the thespian trade) turn in solid supporting performances. But in the end the story never gets much beyond a standard story of restless spirits. I’ll spare you the full accounting of all the turns of the screw, just in case anyone actually has an interest in sitting through this. But in general, this picture disappoints merely because it could have delivered so much more than it did. Mildly amusing

Review – The Crow: Salvation

I’m not exactly sure how “salvation” works in here. Certainly nobody in the audience is being saved from a bland meal of mediocre leftovers. Yeah, it’s the same old formula: murdered girlfriend, boyfriend back from the dead to visit vengeance on the perpetrators. Plenty of loud music. Plenty of violence. And so on. At least this time around things are a little more coherent than they were in the first sequel. If the recycled story line works for you, then you’re in for a pleasant experience. Otherwise see the original and just leave it at that. Mildly amusing

Review – Bloodsport

Here’s the flying-fists-of-kung-fu-death masterpiece that helped Jean-Claude Van Damme launch his auspicious career as an action movie hero. This based-on-a-true-story tale of the first westerner to win the legendary Kumite martial arts battle is packed with more feel-good clichés that a kiddie-oriented Christmas special. Much of the fight choreography seems amateurish by later standards, but it’s still entertaining in a guy movie kind of way. And as out-of-date as the flick is technically, it undeniably predates the Ultimate Fighting craze by at least half a decade. Mildly amusing

Review – Lawrence of Arabia

This has got to be the most woman-free three and a half hours in movie history. I suppose when T.E. Lawrence is your subject, you don’t have any particular reason to include women in your tale. Further, just because production codes in the early 60s forbade graphic depictions of gay sex doesn’t mean that Lawrence’s orientation could be entirely left out (though the issue is treated only via innuendo). But still, couldn’t there have been a woman or two with a speaking part in one of the camps or something? Gender aside, this vaguely works as a war movie. The epic battle scenes are sure to please genre buffs. The trouble is that action – or even meaningful dialogue – is often separated by extended stretches of meandering plotlessness as empty as the desert itself. Further, the overall story joins in the wandering motif late in the picture, seeming to lose focus as its subject suffers tactical and emotional setbacks. The final result isn’t bad (certainly good enough to have won some Oscars), but it’s not the most compelling piece of cinema I’ve ever seen. Mildly amusing

Review – Bloodmoon

Aside from a couple of small details, this is yet another run-of-the-mill slasher movie. Unlike most others this one’s Australian, and the weapon of choice is a peculiar garrote made of barbed wire. But otherwise our friends down under prove that they can hold quite strictly to the conventions of the genre. Teenagers have sex (somewhat graphically in a couple of spots). They’re butchered by the psycho-killer. Then the antagonist is done in by his obsession with slaughtering the “good kids,” the ones who are truly in love and aren’t actually having sex. The production is competent enough (aside from sporting a dreadful soundtrack and dragging just a bit toward the end) and should prove more than able to satisfy any craving one might have for this sort of thing. Mildly amusing

Review – The Haunted

Roaches in your house? Call the exterminator. Ditto for termites. Water in the basement? Pump it out, seal your walls and call the cleaners. But if demons turn out to be your problem, apparently you are well and truly screwed. Call the Roman Catholic Church. Call parapsychologists. Call the press. Nothing gets rid of these things. They float around your house like big black stains. They make noise. They trip you on the stairs and pull your lighting fixtures down. And to top it all off, they smell bad. Really bad. Even moving to a new house may not solve your problem. The only thing that keeps these pesky suckers at bay is the healing power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I’ll take a little preaching from a movie if there’s something else there that makes it worth watching. But this isn’t a little preaching. It’s a lot of preaching and not a lot of anything else. See if desperate

Review – The Crow

The Fiendish Curse of Peter Sellers claims yet another talented victim, this time not even waiting until filming was complete. To be fair, despite his charm and ability Brandon Lee never made anything really great, so it didn’t come as much of a surprise when his last movie wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane. In fact, in some ways this isn’t really a terrible movie. The “vengeful spirit back from the grave to slaughter the criminals who raped and murdered his fiancee” thing is a bit trite, but it works well here. And some of the action sequences are really superb. On the other hand, the plot often succumbs to its own comic-book origins, and the whole Goth musician shtick occupies a bit too much screen time (unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case I’m sure you’ll enjoy it immensely). The whole death-obsession thing seems a little morbid in light of Lee’s untimely passing, but otherwise this is an enjoyable bit of violent brain candy. Mildly amusing

Review – The Langoliers

All told, I’ll bet there’s around 60 minutes’ worth of solid plot, character and special effects to be found here. Unfortunately, for reasons most likely economic in nature, this production drags out for a full four hours (once the copious commercial interruptions are added in). The series is nearly three quarters done before the title monsters even make an appearance, and when they do show up they look an awful lot like oil drill bits stuck into giant, flying prunes. They stay on screen for five or ten minutes, and then the show drags on for another hour. Minus around half the characters and their various, meandering, distracting subplots, this tale of an airplane lost outside the stream of time and menaced by creatures who devour reality might have been a downright scary piece of media. As it is, however, it’s just hard not to lose interest after awhile. See if desperate

Review – Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Though this isn’t a bad movie, I must confess that I was profoundly disappointed after seeing it. The hype made this sound like a genuinely innovative piece of cinema art, but my take on it was that it was just a fancy, expensive version of the “flying fists of kung fu death” flicks various Asian film companies have been producing for some time now. So as a prime example of the cheap martial arts movie, this is a good rental. The effects are impressive (at least to the extent that the wires everyone flies around on are fairly well hidden), and they’ve got a better cast than most such efforts. I just didn’t think it was the great work of art that it was cracked up to be. Mildly amusing

Review – Fantasia 2000

After all these years, the Disney Corporation has succumbed to two temptations: the urge to redo the original Fantasia with different music and stories, and pressure from the viewing public to include more cartoony stuff and less abstract, conceptual material. The result is something middle-of-the-road, not quite mediocre but certainly neither as good nor as bad as the original. The film-makers wisely elected to do away with dull, inadequate passages such as the “Ave Maria” finale from the first one. On the other hand, the Beethoven sequence – at least to my taste – falls considerably short of what Oscar Fischinger did with Bach in Fantasia, and there’s nothing here as dramatic as the Bela Lugosi-inspired “Night on Bald Mountain.” And yes, the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” is in both versions. I guess the kids will probably like this effort a bit better, but I’m still a bit more attached to the first one. Mildly amusing

Review – Hard to Kill

So that’s one more thing Steven Seagal and cockroaches have in common. In this effortful effort, Big Steve is a cop who ends up in a coma after he’s attacked and his family killed. He wakes up seven years later and picks right up where he left off, delivering ass whippings to thugs, bad cops and assorted low-life. Kelly LeBroc, Seagal’s real-life partner at the time, plays an uninspiring love interest. As usual, if you’ve come for the flying fists of kung fu death, you shouldn’t be disappointed. But if things like plot, character, logic, script and the like mean anything to you, seek elsewhere. See if desperate

Review – The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Of all the classic Universal movie monsters, the Creature from the Black Lagoon is fins-down the most innovative, at least when it comes to the basic concept. After all, mummies, vampires and werewolves have all been around for centuries. But a scaly hominid with a coelacanth head, now that’s something new. Sadly, that’s about as far as the innovation goes. The monster gets a lot of cool-looking underwater scenes, but when push comes to shove he’s just another horny critter with a taste for a scientist’s girlfriend. This classic spawned a couple of sequels and more than a couple of imitators, but other than that the sexism, racism and general silliness of the work make what once must have been a real thriller seem more quaint than terrifying. Mildly amusing