Review – Protocol

Goldie Hawn plays a stereotypical ditzy blonde. What a stretch. This time around she’s a cocktail waitress who saves the life of a visiting dignitary and ends up a national hero. Her newfound fame lands her a job at the State Department as a protocol officer. The resulting situation comedy is more than a little stupid. It also takes advantage of some fairly coarse clichés about people of West Asian origin, and ends up with a big dose of sanctimonious preaching. The genuinely amusing moments are few and far between, scarcely justifying the overall production. See if desperate

Review – Scream 3

In the mandatory “rules of horror trilogies” speech, they left out a few rules. First, faithful audiences generally mercilessly punish second sequels that stray too far from the formula. The film-makers take no such risk here. Sadly, they also adhere to one of the less desirable restrictions: because you can safely assume the viewers already know the dramatis personae, you’re free to avoid any semblance of character development. This frees you up to devote all your time to dumb plot twists (if associating the word “plot” with an episodic mish-mash like this isn’t overstating the case) and random hack-and-slash. Fortunately, they at least managed to ignore the corollary that specifies that the third episode be shot in 3-D if possible. Cameos by Roger Corman, Carrie Fisher and Jay and Silent Bob are just about as amusing as the whole rest of the movie put together. See if desperate

Review – Zeppelin

Michael York stars in this obscure little movie about a double-agent who stumbles upon a German plot to steal the Magna Carta during World War One. Naturally enough, the plot involves the use of the title vehicle to carry commandos to Scotland to abscond with the sacred document. The production features some special effects that must have seemed quite impressive when the movie came out, but they seem a little mediocre by more modern standards. The script is run-of-the-mill, as is the acting. If you’re looking for a no-brainer action movie, I guess you could do worse. But there isn’t much else to recommend this one, unless you happen to be trying to see at least one movie beginning with each letter of the alphabet during the course of a year and you’re looking for a movie that begins with Z. See if desperate

Review – Scream

Wes Craven tries to warm up the old magic that brought him big-time success with the “Elm Street” series, and the amazing thing is that it almost kinda works. The new shtick is an endless parade of genre references, an active mocking of the very clichés that the film-makers so studiously observe. The cast reads like a who’s who of GenX TV stars, and the script is typical of most bigger-budget entries in the slasher genre. The thing that really saves this movie is its sense of humor, its ability to cynically scoff at the conventions of slasher movies while hacking teens left and right the whole time. Mildly amusing

Review – Das Boot

This should be more than enough grim, cynical, German U-Boat movie for anyone, even those of us who are inclined to look favorably on such endeavors. The realism is impeccable, to the point that one can almost smell the pent-up stench of diesel fumes, rotting food and sweat. In fact, the devotion to historical accuracy occasionally overwhelms the film’s dramatic sense, particularly during the de rigeur depth charge sequences, which seem to go on and on and on. That notwithstanding, those with a taste for submarine movies should find this one of the best examples of the genre. Years ago I saw the original U.S. theatrical release, and for this review I watched the “director’s cut.” I also understand there’s an even longer version out there, but I haven’t seen that one. Whichever version you watch, you’re in for an unflinching tour of the lot of the men who sailed the semi-suicidal missions in support of the German battle for control of the Atlantic during World War Two. Worth seeing

Review – Night of the Lepus

From the time of the cave painters of Lascaux until the rise of the modern age, humanity has been plagued by a thorny question: is it possible to make fuzzy bunnies look terrifying? Now, thanks to the valiant efforts of some brave filmmakers, the riddle has been solved. And apparently the answer is a resounding “no.” Not even if they’re supposed to be the size of Winnebagos and have for some unexplained reason developed a taste for meat. Of course, it didn’t help that the rabbit wranglers decided to use an abundance of the fluffiest pet store veterans they could find. I guess the thing I find most astounding about this amazing piece of bad cinema is that MGM actually put up the bucks for it. Usually you need the likes of American International for garbage like this. As a result of the apparent cash surplus, they were able to get some semi-famous talent, including Rory Calhoun, Janet Leigh and DeForest Kelley. There’s even a scene in which Leigh is rescued from a bunny-surrounded RV by a helicopter; all they needed to make this nonsense complete was Elmer Fudd singing “Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!” Oh, and quotable quote: “It’s okay, Jack. Don’t be afraid. The rabbit’s gone.” And to top it all off, the production also includes some of the most amazingly dreadful matte work in film history. Though the movie features more than its share of camp value and unintentional humor, somehow in the end it fails to justify the seemingly endless parade of rabbit death. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Judge Dredd

I was a big fan of the Judge Dredd comic books back when I was too young to really understand the word “fascism.” So perhaps I got a bigger kick out of this movie than I really should have, because it closely resembles its source in many ways (especially plot and general feel). The producers spent a bundle on the sets, the props, the opticals, and Sylvester Stallone, and for the most part they got their money’s worth. Our hero serves as a Platonic “guardian” in a future society beset by uncontrollable crime and a sinister scheme to introduce a totalitarian regime even more extreme than the one the country already has. The action occasionally drags a bit. Rob Schneider is more than a little annoying as Stallone’s obnoxious sidekick. Otherwise this is an entertaining bit of big budget brain candy. Mildly amusing

Review – Them!

Ah, that exclamation point in the title is always such a sure indication of quality. And what is it about ants? Of all the things that seem to get mutated by radiation and grow to giant proportions over and over again, these critters have got to be the all-time champs (with the possible exception of lizards). Well, at least this relic from the atomic-energy-obsessed 1950s can lay claim to being the first (unless I missed yet another giant ant movie somewhere). Though the script is strictly B-movie, the special effects were if not exactly wonderful then at least expensive, including several full-scale giant ants. James Arness ditches his killer carrot suit from The Thing from Another World and switches sides, playing the FBI agent hot on the trail of the migrating monsters. And unlike the Hawks movie, the military actually listens to scientists this time around. Of course, the scientists are all in favor of killing the bugs, so perhaps listening to them was easier in this case. Mildly amusing

Review – Scarface

Though perhaps not quite the profound commentary on the dark side of the American dream that the film-makers had in mind, this is a darn fine action movie. Al Pacino plays Tony Montana, “political refugee from Cuba,” who comes to the United States in the Marielitos immigration wave to seek his slice of the pie. Through hard work, perseverance and guts he manages to claw his way to the top of his profession, a regular Horatio Alger story except that Tony’s profession happens to be cocaine importing and distribution. Director Brian DePalma and screenwriter Oliver Stone do a masterful job of combining massive amounts of violence, anti-greed moralization and just enough of a sense of humor to keep the whole show from getting tiresome. Though many critics panned it when it first came out, it remains one of my all-time favorite action flicks. Buy the tape (or buy the disc if you prefer; in addition to the usual features, the DVD includes some behind-the-scenes stuff and out-takes)

Review – You Only Live Twice

However, if you’re wise you’ll only see this movie once (if that many times). Though this isn’t the worst James Bond movie ever made (because hey, there’s always Octopussy), it’s a far cry from the best. The plot is typical Bond: SPECTRE conspiracy to set the US and USSR against each other in exchange for cash from China thwarted after much sex and shooting. But something about the timing is just wrong. For openers, a lot of the cold war and space race stuff that was so current back when this movie first came out seem more than a little trite three decades later. More aggravating is the in-your-face sexism, particularly the frequent use of Japanese social custom as a cheap excuse for random misogyny. I suppose this must have been some sort of backlash against the feminist movement that was gaining steam at the time, no doubt turned up a notch for the amusement of the sexually-immature male target audience. The crater battle at the end is kinda cool, but other than that the gimmicks are lame and Sean Connery seems more than a little tired of the role. See if desperate

Review – Scanners

In the big low-brow cinema lexicon, this one’s known as the “head blowed up” movie, so called due to a memorable scene early in the production. The plot posits that a Thalidomide-esque drug somehow transformed a small group of individuals into psychics capable of “scanning,” reading minds, projecting thoughts and making heads blow up. As an early example of horror maestro David Cronenberg’s work, this is an unpolished but nonetheless visually powerful film. If only the script and acting had been just a little less ham-handed. Mildly amusing

Review – Nightmares

As horror anthology movies go, this one’s not half bad. It leads off with an urban legend: the story of the psychopath in the back seat. Then you get Emilio Estevez, before he became famous, as a video game addict who gets way too caught up in his favorite machine. The third tale is an odd little rehash of the evil car plot, with Lance Henriksen as a faithless priest pursued by a demonic 4x4. I find the final vignette hard to watch. It’s the story of the battle between a suburban family and a monster rat, and it involves a little more animal suffering and death than I generally like to have to sit through. That aside, however, this is a fine example of the sub-genre. Mildly amusing

Review – Mystery Men

If you read a lot of comic books you’ll probably catch most of the in-jokes and get a real kick out of this movie. For those not quite so enamored of superheroes, however, this flick offers little beyond a lot of sophomoric humor punctuated by an occasional bit of slightly amusing physical comedy. Perhaps it might have been better if they’d taken some of the money lavished on sets and costumes and blown a buck or two on a screenplay. As much as I hate to pan anything with William H. Macy and Eddie Izzard in it, their talents were wasted in this stinker. See if desperate

Review – Body Snatchers (1993)

This time around they’ve stripped “Invasion of the” off the front of the title. Otherwise the clichés are all here. This time space aliens are taking over an army base, and only the intrepid teenage daughter of an EPA inspector and her chopper pilot boyfriend stand between the invaders and world conquest. Forest Whitaker and Meg Tilly were at one time respected actors, but now they’re just bit players, fodder for the pod people. The script and direction are mediocre at best, stealing (or maybe “borrowing” would be a nicer term) heavily from the previous entries in the body snatching sub-genre, including the point-and-scream shtick that helped make the 70’s version famous. The creepiest things in this whole picture were Gabrielle Anwar's nude scenes, because she looks like she's around 15 years old (thank goodness she was actually in her early 20s). See if desperate

Review – Dracula, Prince of Darkness

This is Hammer’s follow-up to the success the studio found with Christopher Lee’s first portrayal of the vampire world’s biggest celebrity. Apparently being done to sun-fried dust by Dr. Van Helsing in the first one doesn’t take as much out of a guy as one might expect, because here he is again. This time around he’s about the business of luring British tourists to his mountain stronghold and then dispatching them one by one in a variety of uninteresting manners. Lee does his usual journeyman’s job as the title character, but otherwise this isn’t exactly Hammer’s finest moment. See if desperate

Review – X-Men

Ah, the things I’ll do to see at least one movie beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Actually, this one wasn’t as hard to sit through as some of the other unwatchable trash I’ve endured for a Q, X, Y or Z. Perhaps it helped to have been an X-Men fan many years ago (before they became the “new” X-Men and added the majority of the characters featured in this picture). The plot involves the battle long familiar to fans: the three-way struggle between good mutants who want to help mankind (or at the very least to be left alone), evil mutants who want to enslave the world, and ordinary people who treat both camps with more than a little mistrust. The effects were skillfully done (which is a good thing because bad effects probably would have killed the action), and the script and acting were nowhere near as bad as they might have been. Though I think alienated teens looking for characters with whom they can identify will most likely take to the message a bit more than I did, the movie’s still enjoyable on a comic-book entertainment level. Mildly amusing

Review – The Prophecy

Cheap effects and comic book theology battle it out for prominence in this barker. From the outset the production creates such a low level of expectation that the only genuinely disappointing part is that buried under mounds of dreadful dialogue, pseudo-religious mishmash and the small scraps of scenery that manage to escape Christopher Walken’s voracious maw are odd, occasional, interesting details. For example, one of the minor sub-plots involves a Korean War vet who was involved in some sort of atrocity. That idea alone could have developed into a movie far more interesting than the main plot, a sappy tale of warring archangels. The subplots and the sheer spectacle of Walken’s emoting are all that save this production from the dustbin. See if desperate

Review – The World Is Not Enough

Maybe not, but one more Bond movie is plenty. Pierce Brosnan seems to be settling into the role; he’s still no Connery, but he’s passed Lazenby and Dalton and is gaining rapidly on Moore. The plot this time around is a muddled mess about a psycho terrorist who has a bullet in his brain and thus can’t feel pain. In other words, Blofeld he ain’t. The remainder of the story is even less compelling, though I’ll leave the rest of it out for the sake of maintaining what small measure of drama the movie manages to muster. Just about the only novel trick to be found is the actual, active involvement of M in the plot. Funny how much more they can get done with Judy Dench in the role than they could in the days of Bernard Lee. Oh, and speaking of series regulars, this entry marks the final appearance of Desmond “Q” Llewelyn. Mildly amusing

Review – Scandal

Though this movie was plugged as a racy, erotic drama, there’s just something about the combination of sex, the 60s and the British that’s just impossible to take seriously. Here we have the sad, sordid tale of the Profumo scandal, with Ian McKellen as the ill-fated Minister of War and tallest member of the Lollipop Guild. Joanne Whalley-Kilmer, John Hurt and a young Bridget Fonda in her first film role round out the cast of tiresome shagging enthusiasts. Who would ever have guessed that sex, espionage and scandal could ever be so boring? See if desperate