Review – Platoon

Yet again the hapless nation of Vietnam serves as the backdrop for American men battling with their inner demons. Director Oliver Stone serves up a heavy-handed allegory in which a good sergeant (Willem DaFoe) and an evil sergeant (Tom Berenger) battle for control of an infantry platoon and by proxy for the soul of a young newcomer (Charlie Sheen). Though a solid example of the war film genre and probably the most watchable of Stone’s Vietnam-themed movies, the preachiness and ultra-macho “I wuz there” attitude copped by the production makes it more than a little tedious in parts. Mildly amusing

Review – Dogma

Some people want to amend the Constitution to make it illegal to burn the flag. Some want to amend it to ban pornography or hate speech. The amendment I’m praying for is a total ban on members of Generation X creating anything – song, movie or whatever – about religion. I mean, I’m a big fan of free speech and all, but enough is enough. This specimen in particular is an especially annoying mishmash of comic-book theology and slapstick violence from the guys who brought us Clerks. Judging by the stellar cast, someone must have thought this was going to turn into one of those critically-acclaimed vanity projects. Unfortunately, the script is so terrible and so full of endless speechifying and moronic plot twists that the rest of the production, however well put together, never really has a chance. Too bad, really. I loved Clerks. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Witches of Eastwick

Now here’s a combo you don’t see every day: a big-budget, star vehicle horror movie with a feminist slant. Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer and Cher star as three single women dissatisfied with the small-town New England hand life has dealt them. Enter Jack Nicholson as a devilish figure who delights in helping the women get out of their ruts. The trio abandon their demon lover when he starts to play a little too rough, and from there things escalate into an effects-intensive denouement. While it’s nice to see Hollywood pony up for a cast and some production values in a horror flick every once in awhile, this particular sample seems to have been so dummied down that “drama” or “comedy” might be better words for it. In the final cut (especially after preview audiences nixed a lot of the gore), the most horrible thing in the whole movie is Nicholson’s shameless scenery-chewing, excessive even by his usual standards. Mildly amusing

Review – Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood

Well, blood anyway. The only new thing about this chapter is that this time around everyone’s favorite hockey-mask-bedecked corpse does battle with a troubled, psychic teenager. So the whole thing turns into a Jason versus Carrie sort of a deal. Other than this subplot, this is just another round of the horny-teen-hating, garden-tool-wielding, supernatural psycho hacking his way though another gaggle of his favorite prey. See if desperate

Review – Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Here’s another one of my childhood favorites, due mostly to Gene Wilder’s superb performance as a grown-up who delights in tormenting bad little kids. I’m not all that crazy about the musical numbers (with the possible exception of Veruca Salt’s legendary “I Want It Now” song, and of course the little ditty the Oompa Loompas sing as they attend to the remains of the four kids who don’t make it to the end of the picture), and our protagonist, Charlie the poverty-stricken moppet, is a little too goody-goody for words. But kids everywhere who think their parents are tough should get a real kick out of watching over-indulged brats get their come-uppance in a big way. Further, I note that as an adult re-watching the movie I get an extra kick out of the idiosyncratic, almost absurdist wit of Wilder’s Wonka. Even if this movie didn’t have anything else going for it (and it has plenty), it’s worth it to me just for the riverboat sequence, which I believe was one of my first encounters with horror elements in cinema. Worth seeing

Review – Atomic Dog

If you’ve seen Devil Dog: The Hound from Hell, then you can safely ignore this one. Truth be told, you can probably safely ignore them both. This time around the canine villain is a creature of evil thanks to nuclear radiation rather than the forces of darkness, but otherwise the plot (supernaturally vicious dog bedevils suburban family) is pretty much the same. And of course any time dogs play the bad guys, you know you’re in for a big dose of animal suffering. The old Parliament Funkadelic song was better, not to mention shorter. See if desperate

Review – Pitch Black

Once again Alien gets dragged out, dusted off and hung back up on the screen. This time around the twist is that the bugs can’t stand light – it actually appears to burn them – so the hapless humans marooned on a distant planet will be just fine as long as they can keep a fire going. Naturally this simple task that humans have been performing for thousands of years proves amazingly difficult for a seemingly endless parade of reasons. The only up-side to this feature is a booga-booga shot here and there that actually works. Downsides include annoying lighting and filter effects, an almost complete lack of likable characters, and far too many questions of biology, astronomy and the like that never even come close to getting answered. See if desperate

Review – Salem’s Lot

Tobe Hooper directs this four-hour (including commercials) made-for-TV epic based on the Stephen King novel about a small town in Maine infested by vampires. The result’s not too bad, especially considering vampires aren’t exactly my favorite denizens of the supernatural world. The production suffers from some of the usual Hooper technical difficulties, including a “final  battle” sequence that is occasionally difficult to follow due to poor lighting. On the other hand, the script is pretty good, and even the acting’s not half bad for a made-for-TV movie. And for those who can’t stand the full running time, there’s a shorter version available on video. Mildly amusing

Review – Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

Too bad the plot doesn’t. This one’s bad even by Friday the 13th standards. Brought back to life by a stupid mishap involving lightning, Jason proceeds to hack his way through an uninteresting cast of talentless walk-ons, pursued by the hero from the last two (played by yet another actor). Forget even the most minimal quality standards for gore. In fact, forget just about anything that might have drawn slasher movie fans (or anyone else, for that matter) into the audience. Final, unpardonable sin: downright boring. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Pet Sematary 2

Here we go again. This one picks up where the last one left off, at least in terms of taste or lack thereof; within the first ten minutes, a boy’s mother and a cute dog are both killed on-screen. Then bullies threaten to kill a kitten. Then the main villain shoots his stepson’s dog, which dies a lingering death in the boy’s arms. Then ... well, you get the point. Honestly, this film was almost enough to make me puke, and it offered little if any redeeming value to justify the endless parade of misery it portrayed and inflicted. Avoid at all costs

Review – Dr. Strangelove

Or how I learned to stop worrying and love this film. The passage of years and death of the Cold War have done little to diminish the chilling comedic power of Stanley Kubrick’s genius. In fact, it’s almost possible to get more out of it now that the whistling-past-the-graveyard aspect of the humor has been replaced by a better understanding of the absurdity of nuclear detente. The humor is broad and often a little juvenile, but it still holds up after too many repeat viewings to count. George C. Scott, Sterling Hayden and Peter Sellers (in three roles) all turn in top-notch performances that, when combined with Kubrick’s masterful (if somewhat continuity-impaired) visual style make for a must-see treat. Buy the tape

Review – The Fourth Man

Before Paul Verhoeven made a tidy living directing bad, big-budget Hollywood epics about how evil women are, he used to direct bad, low-budget Dutch art films about how evil women are. Of particular note in this go-around is the appearance, mercifully brief though it is, of one of the most graphic castration scenes ever stored on film. The story itself is about a gay writer in a bizarre love triangle with a muscle boy and an eerie, masculine woman who seems to be in the habit of marrying and murdering. So it goes without saying that you get a fair amount of spider-related stuff. What you also get is a load of pretentious religious symbolism so thick that the plot just about chokes on it. This isn’t a bad choice if you’re in the mood for a big mess of homoerotic horror. Mildly amusing

Review – Dirty Dancing

Boy, if this is what it was like to be Borsht-belt rich back in the 1960s, I’m glad I’m neither wealthy enough or old enough to have had the experience. Honestly, this movie spawned a couple of chart-climbing tunes and an artificial dance craze, but otherwise it’s little more than an empty-headed teen movie that tries to justify its existence with a trumped-up message. It might actually have worked better if it had been a little less ham-handed about abortion, class differences, and so on. It also might have helped if the screenwriters had found a way to portray a girl’s sexual and social coming of age with a little more emotional depth than the average 30 second ad for feminine hygiene spray. Come for the dancing if that sort of thing floats your boat, but don’t feel like you have to sit through any of the rest of it. See if desperate

Review – The Atomic Cafe

This documentary should be required viewing in film production courses, particularly those classes that emphasize editing techniques. With nothing but old archive footage from the 40s and 50s, the Archive Project manages to create a movie about nuclear madness as chilling as it is funny. By cutting together clips from a variety of different sources, the film-makers paint a brilliant portrait of a nation rolling in post-war prosperity yet obsessed with the destructive power of atomic weapons. If any proof is needed that a wonderful, insightful film can be made without spending millions of dollars on big-name actors and flashy effects, here is all the evidence anyone should ever want. Buy the tape

Review – The Fly (1958)

By now everyone’s familiar with the joke here: a scientist invents a teleportation device, but a mishap during an experiment ends up fusing him with a fly, swapping heads and one arm/leg between man and bug. So if it mashes everything in the teleportation chamber up with everything else, why doesn’t it combine the guy’s clothes in as well? Why doesn’t he end up being Mr. Crazy Fly Loafer Cardigan Guy? Okay, assume he peels off before he goes in. What about the dust mites in his hair? What about the bacteria in his intestinal tract? Shouldn’t he emerge from the chamber as Mr. Crazy Fly Loafer Cardigan Dust Mite E Coli Guy? On the other hand, maybe I’m over-thinking it. Maybe I should just be content to enjoy this sci-fi / horror classic on its own terms. Certainly the famous “help me” sequence at the end does much to justify an otherwise somewhat uneven movie. Mildly amusing

Review – The Wicker Man

If fate is kind, this is the only Druid nudie musical that will ever be preserved on grainy celluloid. I suppose the concept has some potential; a better movie might have been made out of the conflict between a stodgy British constable and the inhabitants of a small Scottish island with strange ways and dark secrets. But here the locals’ pagan faith has apparently turned them into a pack of sex-obsessed, folk-song-singing nutbars. Of course, being led by Christopher Lee, in an uncharacteristically flaky performance as the drag-wearing Lord Summerisle, can’t help matters much. Further, the flick is a little rough on the animals, particularly toward the end. On the other hand, by that point the movie is rough on just about everyone, particularly the audience. See if desperate

Review – Interview with the Vampire

I read somewhere that Anne Rice really hated the choice of Tom Cruise to play her precious Vampire Lestat. Personally, I thought he did a fine job as the sort of sarcastic glamour boy that I remembered from the book. Cruise also gets some fine, intense young actor support from Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas. Casting aside, however, Rice fans should enjoy the excessive goth trappings and moody vampire goings-on. Personally, all the morose sex and death stuff started to creep me out when the plot added a pre-teen participant, ably played by Kirsten Dunst in her first big screen role. On the other hand, it did have some good camerawork and interesting editing. Mildly amusing

Review – Pet Sematary

Okay, I have to admit that I read King’s novel before I saw the movie, so I really can’t claim I didn’t know what I was getting into (not, mind you, that the title by itself isn’t a dead giveaway). Still, a lot of the action in this picture strikes me as exploitative in the worst way, if not in genuinely bad taste. I’m already solidly on the record as disliking movies that dwell on violence committed against children or animals, and this production supplies both aplenty. The premise is that dead animals and people buried in a certain evil spot in the woods can come back to life, though not exactly as their former selves. Though the basic idea has some potential, by the time the movie kills a girl’s pet cat not once but twice and then devolves into a battle between bereaved parents and a demonic, zombie toddler, it’s just too stupid and tasteless to hope for redemption. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Flawless

Is there such a thing as a “situation drama”? If so, this is a flawless example of the genre. The main plot is an opposites-attract buddy relationship between a macho man ex-cop (Robert DeNiro) who suffers a disabling stroke and his drag queen neighbor (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who gives the gritty old guy singing lessons to help him recover the ability to speak. So it goes without saying that the bulk of the movie is devoted to the cop overcoming his prejudices and bonding with his flamboyant tutor. And because all that’s not quite enough to carry a movie for the full running time, there’s a stupid subplot about a dope dealer looking for some stolen money, and several other half-baked mini-dramas thrown in for good measure. Though most of the gay jokes fall flat, every once in awhile one of the drag queen crowd will come up with a good line; my personal favorite was one of the supporting actors referring to the DeNiro character as “Mr. My Left Foot.” But I guess it goes without saying that if the highlight of the movie is a drag queen making disability jokes, the rest of the production is mostly missable. See if desperate