Review – Halloween 2

This one picks up right where the original left off; indeed, the first couple of pre-credits minutes of the sequel are a slightly re-edited copy of the very end of the first one. Unfortunately that doesn’t leave much of anywhere for the plot to go. As a result, the script meanders from death to death, challenging itself only to find mildly creative ways to end each successive life. Sure, Michael Myers’ motivations, particularly vis a vis the Jamie Lee Curtis character, are a little more clearly established. But that does little to justify an otherwise mostly dull debacle. See if desperate

Review – Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Though I’m no connoisseur of this particular sub-genre of action movies, I’ve gotta say that this is hands-down the silliest Robin Hood movie I’ve ever seen. Some elements are new to this production and not entirely unwelcome – such as the inclusion of Morgan Freeman as the title character’s Moorish sidekick. Other than the occasional small touch, however, this is a reheated version of the same tired old tale with a little politically-correct updating to make the love interest a little – but only a little – less the helpless damsel in distress. Heck, Kevin Costner couldn’t even be bothered to adopt an English accent for the starring role. On the other hand, maybe it’s better that he didn’t even try. This film was embarrassing enough for all concerned as it was. See if desperate

Review – Damien: Omen 2

As if adolescence isn’t hard enough, just imagine how much worse it must be if you happen to be the Antichrist. Well, imagine it no longer, since this film shows you what a terrible time young Damien, the demonic rug rat from The Omen, has once he discovers his role in the presumably imminent End Times. This sequel isn’t quite as spooky as the original, but it still has plenty of theological thrills to offer. I’m especially fond of the introduction of archaeology to the mix, though that’s probably just because it’s a personal passion of mine. Mildly amusing

Review – Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb

It’s like The Mummy’s Curse and The Mummy’s Tomb all rolled into one! Actually, this is a Hammer production unrelated to either previous movie except via the loose connection of theme. Here the mummy is revived to seek vengeance on those who desecrated his tomb (what a surprise). Actually, this is sort of a charming old movie in a 1960s vintage Hammer sort of way. However, you know you’re in trouble when the most sensible, most likable character is the ruthless American capitalist who wants to exploit the treasured Egyptian relics as a sideshow attraction. And you’re in even deeper trouble when the American is the first in a long line of the mummy’s victims. Mildly amusing

Review – Murder on the Orient Express

I confess that I’m a poor judge of the quality of murder mysteries, since I’m not a real big fan of the genre. But I do like this particular example. Based on Agatha Christie’s famous novel, the plot involves a trainload of people who all – except for intrepid inspector Poirot, of course – have some connection to a kidnapping that more-than-vaguely resembles the Lindbergh case. More than that I really shouldn’t include for fear of giving away the ending. Plot aside, even folks like myself who don’t have much use for mysteries may nonetheless enjoy this outing, which includes some top-notch art direction and more celebrity appearances than you can shake a stick at. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

De da de da de da de da it’s four days to Halloween Halloween Halloween it’s four days to Halloween Silver Shamrock. After you see this entry in the Halloween series, that’ll be stuck in your head for about a week. And if you’ve already seen the movie, just reading the lyrics here probably has it stuck in your head again. Well, for that I apologize. This is a true oddity in the realm of the sequel: a movie with absolutely no apparent connection to either of its predecessors. In fact, it doesn’t even seem to have a real firm connection to its own title (aside from the plot revolving around potentially lethal Halloween masks, one of which looks like a witch). Even though Tommy Lee Wallace wrote and directed, this still has John Carpenter stamped all over it. In other words, the basic premise is interesting, we get a few bloody murders and suspenseful moments along the way, but in the end the picture just doesn’t live up to the promise. Mildly amusing

Review – Gargoyles

This film starts out as a prime demonstration of the possibilities of a solid concept and a good script, even in the face of a low budget and the constraints placed upon made-for-TV productions. The set-up scenes, in which a roadside souvenir stand owner tries to interest an anthropologist and his daughter in an unusual, almost demonic skeleton, actually provide a couple of suspenseful moments only mildly dampened by the cheapness of the effects. It even manages to sustain an aura of creepy menace despite the intrusion of an annoying subplot involving teenage dirt-bikers (led by a young Scott Glenn). However, things start to go downhill after daughter gets kidnapped by a tribe of gargoyles plotting to take over the earth. It’s just a lot easier to get away with bargain basement costumes if you don’t spend too much time showing them. Mildly amusing

Review – Revenge of the Nerds

This overtly simple-minded comedy is one of the most interesting pieces of political filmmaking Hollywood has produced in recent memory. I expect that the average audience member was just supposed to see a juvenile story about a group of nerds who endure much abuse at the hands of jocks but manage to get the upper hand in the end. Just below the surface, however, lurks a relatively clever attempt to expose an otherwise unreceptive public full of white teenagers to a little multi-culturalism. Especially interesting are the frequently recurring gay rights themes. Of course the movie tends to undermine its own emphases by employing a thick sugar coating of sexism (including rape and other sex crimes) we’re all supposed to be okay with). But get past that aspect, and there’s some fun to be had. Mildly amusing

Review – Curse of the Demon

One of my guiltiest pleasures involves an affection for murky old black-and-white British horror movies. And this particular picture is one of the finest examples of the sub-genre. The plot is elegant and clever, unraveling the tale of a skeptical scientist who must rid himself of a rune-inscribed scrap of paper before a demon appears to kill the parchment’s possessor (Rocky Horror fans will recognize the reference to Dana Andrews and his prune problem). Furthermore, you just don’t get shadow-intensive lighting, deep focus and disconcerting camera angles like this anymore. And sure, the too-fuzzy-and-cute demon isn’t much of a payoff for all the well-crafted build-up, but sometimes the build-up makes the movie worthwhile all by itself. Buy the tape

Review – Mad City

There was a time when Costa-Gavras was on the cutting edge of left-wing subversive cinema. Not anymore, at least if we can judge by this offering. Oh, the evil media have no consciences. They ruthlessly exploit human suffering. Everyone in the business is either completely immoral or ends up being compelled to submerge their humanity beneath a thick facade of wanton opportunism. Whoa, fight the power. I’m surprised John Travolta and Dustin Hoffman didn’t pool their funds and keep this barker off the market. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – WarGames

I absolutely loved this film when it first came out. Of course, back then I was a high school computer geek just like the protagonist. And of course the whole toe-to-toe-with-the-Russkies seemed a lot more relevant then than it does now. I also expect most of today’s youth will sneer at the computers; what required a really bright kid with a lot of money would now probably be within the grasp of even mediocre students using machines available in most schools and libraries. Nonetheless, it remains an amusing little drama, however primitive the technology may seem today. Mildly amusing

Review – Burn Hollywood Burn

The long version of the title for this movie starts off with “An Alan Smithee Film,” indicating not only that it’s a movie about a director who wouldn’t put his name on a film but also that, blending fantasy, reality and hype, the guys who made this particular movie decided not to put their names on it. Despite the fact that I can’t really blame them for wanting to avoid association this stinker, I strongly suspect that it was all a big publicity stunt. I mean, like Joe Esterhas has any pride to begin with. Please. Whatever the case, this production is notable primarily for some cameos that were nowhere near as funny as they were supposed to be, amusing performances by Chuck D and Coolio (and you know when Coolio is one of the highlights that you’re talking about a pretty dim movie), and proof absolute that screenwriter Esterhas only manages to be funny when he’s not trying to do so. Burn, video, burn. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Something Wicked This Way Comes

At the outset let me admit that I’m a big Ray Bradbury fan, and if you don’t care for his work (particularly his tendency to get a little too sentimental on occasion) then you probably won’t care for this film. Even if you do like Bradbury, you may still have trouble accepting this offering. It seems somehow as if it was directed by committee, with some elements just a little bit out of step with others (not to mention a couple of lines repeated for no obvious reason, no doubt an editing mistake) and most of the dialogue rattled off in an over-dramatized tone. Further, this is a grim little movie, lacking the chain saws and other typical horror flick accouterments. But if you can get past all that, you’ll find this an eerie trip back to the darker sides of childhood imagination. Worth seeing

Review – Enter the Dragon

If you see only one martial arts movie in your life, make this the one. Here we have Bruce Lee at the height of his considerable cinematic prowess. Sure, the plot’s corny, the acting is wooden, the production values are a little crude (even by 70s standards) and some of the elements (hairstyles, clothing, music) are extremely dated, but all of that is just part of what makes this the paragon of the genre. Further, Lee’s natural charisma and superior athletic ability more than make up for such comparatively minor defects. Buy the tape

Review – Lurking Fear

Loosely (and I do mean loosely) based on “The Lurking Fear” by H.P. Lovecraft, this movie is a muddled mess of underdeveloped characters, wooden acting, needlessly complicated plot, and cheap effects. Ashley Lauren (whom Hellraiser fans will remember as Ashley Laurence) stars as a Linda-Hamilton-style commando doing battle with a family of zombie-like mole people who look more than a little like emaciated versions of the Morlocks from The Time Machine. Though I don’t like what Full Moon Productions have done with Lovecraft’s work, at least this one is a little lighter on the tit shots that seemed to be such a raison d’etre for previous productions such as The Re-Animator and From Beyond. See if desperate

Review – Murder in the First

This brutish little movie tells the story of a brutish little inmate at Alcatraz who is kept in solitary confinement for so long that it destroys his mind and turns him into a remorseless killer. Or, more specifically, this picture tells the story of the Harvard-educated attorney who gives up career, love and family in pursuit of justice for his client. Honestly, don’t lawyers ever get tired of themselves? Kevin Bacon does a workmanlike if somewhat over-wrought job as the inmate, and Christian Slater is his usual self as the valiant mouthpiece. If you’re in the mood for a grim and more than a little unrealistic courtroom drama, you could do worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Bulworth

Here we have either a brilliant little bit of absurdism or a miserable failure of a message piece comedy. Toward the end, it starts to look more and more like the audience has been subjected to the latter. Warren Beatty wrote this one himself, so he really doesn’t have any excuse for appearing in such a dreadful production. This is a bizarre tale of a senator who has a nervous breakdown and begins to speak candidly and publicly about power politics in America, particularly the racial and economic components thereof. Although it features a couple of amusing moments, for the most part the jokes fall flat and the message becomes tedious fairly swiftly. See if desperate

Review – Outland

High Noon in outer space. Literally. Sean Connery’s marshal is a little more human than the monolithic Gary Cooper, and the sci-fi version stirs in some additional plot twists (corrupt mine boss, drug pushers, decompression body detonations, graphically sexual holograms and the like), but otherwise this is a pretty straightforward recycle. This movie came out in the middle of the ultra-realistic “grimy sets” era of sci-fi cinema, so the art direction’s sort of interesting. The actors do what they can with the script, but ultimately it doesn’t amount to much more than an occasionally valiant effort. Mildly amusing

Review – Murder by Death

If you’re fairly familiar with the old standbys of the mystery genre, you should get a real kick out of this spoof. Of course, when I say “old standbys,” I mean it. We’re talking Nick and Nora, Poirot, Miss Marple, Sam Spade and Charlie Chan, all parodied by a cast of character actors including Peter Sellers, Alec Guinness, and many more. A lot of the jokes assume you know at least a little about genre clichés, and some of the other funny bits are a bit on the juvenile side. And of course with anything involving Charlie Chan, some racism is involved. But for the most part this is a thoroughly amusing if not especially mentally challenging viewing experience. I was particularly fond of the broad humor at the end, though more than that I can’t say without committing the cardinal mystery sin and giving it away. Worth seeing

Review – Soldier

Aside from an excess of animal killing (graphic pig death and snake death), this isn’t a bad representative of the sci-fi action genre. Mind you, it’s not a good representative, either. The effects are sort of cheap, and script is a bit on the weak side. The basic premise (a standard tale about humans bred to be military automatons, and how sad it is when they become obsolete) is tried and true, but the execution falls a little short. For example, the bulk of the action takes place on a planet that serves as sort of an intergalactic garbage dump. Why such a thing should be necessary is never explained, nor is it quite clear why a planet with an oxygen-rich atmosphere should be selected for such a role. And then when Kurt Russell, our cast-off superman, gets dumped on the Planet of the Refuse, it turns out that there’s a whole colony of people already living there. Believe it or not, it gets even dumber from there. But the action sequences aren’t too bad, almost good enough to sustain it if you’re in the mood for a bit of no-brain entertainment. Mildly amusing

[Note: for at least a little fun with this one, keep an eye out for a data screen profiling Russell’s character. Some of the info includes in-joke references to the actor’s roles in Escape from New York and The Thing.]

Review – The Mummy’s Tomb

The poor ol’ guy might have been better off just staying buried. Only the dwindling good graces of the Hollywood movie factory keep this weak effort one shuffling step away from the realms of Ed Wood and his kith. I suppose we should all be grateful that Lon Chaney (a.k.a. Lon Chaney Jr.), as the mummy, doesn’t have any lines. But somehow he still manages to stink, as does the rest of this trite rehash of mummy movie clichés. See if desperate

Review – Outbreak

No doubt prompted by the outbreak of public interest in hemorrhagic fevers sparked by The Hot Zone, this film gives us a what-if scenario in which a deadly virus gets loose in a small California town. With Morgan Freeman, Donald Sutherland and Dustin Hoffman in the cast I expected something a little more thought-provoking than this, especially because the script relies more on histrionic speechifying than on realistic communication. Still, I guess I’ve seen worse medical thrillers. It’s also a little hard on the simians, but since part of the point here is that the virus spreads in part due to the seizure of monkeys from their natural habitat, I suppose a certain amount of rhesus violence is inevitable or at least integral to the plot. Mildly amusing

Review – Lost and Found

I’m willing to bet that this was either rushed into production or significantly altered in mid-stream after There’s Something About Mary turned into a huge hit. Cute dog, lip-synching end credits and other similarities between the two films notwithstanding, David Spade manages to contribute enough of his usual sarcastic repartee to keep at least the first half of this movie moving. Sadly, that’s about all there is. The rest is just a run-of-the-mill flick about a nerdy guy who lies his way into a fabulous relationship with his fabulous neighbor and must go through a seemingly endless parade of high jinks to keep her from discovering his secret. Mildly amusing

Review – Futureworld

The filmmakers here are in that classic unenviable position: how do you make a sequel based on a movie in which just about everybody died in the end? And yet this picture rises from the ashes of Westworld. This time around, the peril isn’t berserk robots on the rampage. Instead, it’s a sinister conspiracy by the corporation that owns the Delos amusement park to replace prominent politicians with subservient clones, with only crusading journalists Blythe Danner and Peter Fonda standing in its way. How seventies! Mildly amusing

Review – Enemy of the State

Here’s another just-because-you’re-paranoid-doesn’t-mean-they-aren’t-out-to-get-you movie. Will Smith stars as an innocent man who gets caught up in a conspiracy (I’ll spare you the details, because this is only supposed to be a paragraph-long review), and Gene Hackman plays the crusty old ex-agent who turns out to be our hero’s only hope. Occasionally the film tries to masquerade as a serious commentary on the evils of the surveillance society, but for the most part it sticks to the tried-and-true conventions of the Will Smith action movie: snappy remarks, expensive effects and plenty of violence. Mildly amusing

Review – So I Married an Axe Murderer

Michael Myers does romantic comedy. Not! The actor’s goofy, spastic antics, which seemed so appropriate to SNL characters such as Wayne and Dieter, come off completely wrong when he’s trying to play a character we’re expected to believe a normal woman would actually fall in love with. Part of the trick here is that our heroine may in fact be a serial killer, but even a demented maniac would have to be pretty damn desperate to want to marry a character as annoying as the one Myers plays. I guess maybe there’s a clever moment or two (for example, the obnoxious, Scottish dad, also played by Myers, is occasionally sort of amusing). But the worthwhile parts are too few and far between to warrant the time it takes to wade through this predictable, unfunny comedy. See if desperate