Review – The Phantom of the Opera (1998)

Once again Dario Argento works his odd brand of reverse alchemy, transforming gold into lead. Argento sticks more gore and tit shots into his version of Gaston Leroux’s famous tale than can be found in all the other screen adaptations combined. So if that’s the sole criterion by which you judge cinematic quality, then by all means seek this one out. Less easily impressed members of the audience are likely to be bored to tears by the wooden acting and ludicrous plot. The Phantom, played by a lackluster Julian Sands, skulks about like a drug-addled Ozzy wannabe circa 1975. Oh, and as a child our villain was abandoned by his parents and raised by sewer rats. That’s about as good as it gets. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Kurt and Courtney

Director/writer/interviewer/boom man Nick Broomfield doesn’t seem to like creating films with their own subjects. Instead, he appears to prefer making documentaries about how he could have made a documentary if he hadn’t been thwarted by sinister forces conspiring against him. When he tried to make a film about serial killer Aileen Wuornos, his production ended up being about how her lawyer and adopted “mother” wouldn’t help him get access to her. And here we get an hour and a half of seemingly endless whining about how he couldn’t use Kurt Cobain’s music in his film because the dead musician’s widow wouldn’t give him permission. The truly astonishing part is that Broomfield seems genuinely surprised that Courtney Love doesn’t want to cooperate with the production of a movie about how she conspired to murder her husband. As a result, the final product turns out to be a parade of assorted nuts and hangers-on, all of whom have their own little theories about the events leading up to Cobain’s suicide (or was it?). Any pretension at serious film-making is swept away by the farce of Broomfield’s performance at a celebrity-studded ACLU benefit, where he finally corrals Love but ends up so star-struck that he tosses her a couple of softballs and calls it even. In order to make up for his lost cinematic manhood, he then gives a speech to the attendees about how Hollywood should answer for its attempts to stifle creative expression, a diatribe that led to him being dragged from the stage. Thank goodness for socialized television, I guess. Without the BBC, Mr. Broomfield would no doubt be Mr. Broom Pusher. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – House Arrest

This screwball comedy about some kids who lock their dysfunctional parents in the basement until they’re willing to see the domestic bliss light has some occasional amusing parts. But most of it is juvenile stunts and family therapy feel-good nonsense, combined with the ever-charming Jennifer Love Hewitt (in what I’m guessing was her first film role). See if desperate

Review – The Dead Zone

I really liked the novel upon which this film was based, so perhaps I was just set up to be disappointed by the movie. And sure, it’s got its weak spots. For example, Christopher Walken plays the unwilling psychic protagonist as if he was the title character. But for the most part director David Cronenberg manages to stifle his usual gore fascination and produce a fairly straightforward interpretation of the book. Mildly amusing

Review – Meet Joe Black

Anthony Hopkins takes three hours to die, but only because Death, played by Brad Pitt, decides to cut him some slack while it takes a breather. Obviously this is a remake of Death Takes a Holiday. Most of it is played as romance and drama, but the finer points come during the awkward moments when the Grim Reaper tries to adjust to the human condition. Given the subject matter, it pretty much goes without saying that the picture features way too much syrupy sentiment, particularly in the end when the whole thing devolves into situation comedy. Pitt manages to carry a scene or two, but the rest of it is a morass of pathos. Mildly amusing

Review – Stand by Me

If you rent this great god of pre-teen buddy movies, be prepared for more twelve-year-old male bonding than you can shake a stick at. This picture is based on a Stephen King novella in which four lads stray off into the woods in search of a dead body. Sprinkled throughout are a whole bunch of 50s-era nostalgia and  memories of childhood. I can’t speak to the 50s stuff, but the childhood business starts to ring a little false after awhile. Maybe if you’re that age or especially fond of your memories of being that age you’ll get a real kick out of this one. Otherwise it’s just kinda a sad waste of a really good old Motown song. See if desperate

Review – Hot to Trot

Bobcat Goldthwait now refers to this one only as “the horse movie,” and that pretty much sums it up. It’s about as far from his other starring role to date, Shakes the Clown, as you can possibly get. The talking horse comes across as an unpleasant mix between Mr. Ed and Andrew “Dice” Clay. And it goes downhill from there. Though I hate to give a bad mark to any of the Bobcat’s work, I just can’t come up with anything redeeming about this piece of juvenile tripe. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Airplane!

One of the great progenitors of the bad satire movie, this film has eclipsed the series of airport movies that it lampoons. While most (well okay, all) of the humor is pretty juvenile, sometimes even downright offensive, the movie still has enough funny moments to keep it going, especially the brief moments when Johnny the obnoxious gay guy is on. Mildly amusing

Review – Home Fries

This film aspires to the dubious status of white trash black comedy. I’ve liked cast members Drew Barrymore, Jake Busey and Catherine O’Hara in other productions, but here they struggle with a poorly-written script and a plot (involving a single mother, a burger joint, helicopter pilots, murder schemes, and so on) that is at best implausible. The movie features an occasional amusing bit of physical comedy, and the cast appears to give it their best. Unfortunately the characters just aren’t genuine enough to be engaging, and the overall production is neither clever nor funny. See if desperate

Review – Dead Man

The box bills this as “a tale of adventure and intrigue in the wild, wild, west!” Um, okay, maybe compared to Jim Jarmusch’s other films. Even so, this is still a slow, sometimes downright ponderous production. The Neil Young soundtrack is more than its share of annoying, and it’s a shame that anyone feels like Crispin Glover still needs to continue to find acting work. All that aside, however, if you’re willing to devote the time to pay attention to this film, it’s a fairly rewarding experience. Most of the acting is very underplayed, almost subtle. Leave it to Jarmusch to make a subtle western. Worth seeing

Review – The Bone Collector

If you liked The Silence of the Lambs, Seven and Kiss the Girls, well, then you’re probably at least going to see this dog. And when you watch it the first time you’ll get the nagging feeling that you’ve seen it before. Indeed, it’s almost like the filmmakers took little bits of other movies and mashed them together to make this one. Particularly ridiculous and disappointing were the death-by-rat sequence and the wrap-up to the non-mystery. Denzel Washington is more or less completely squandered as a quadriplegic detective. In short, one needn’t look too hard to find a better story. See if desperate

Review – Zombie

Funny how letter-boxing even a ridiculous piece of junk like this makes it seem more artistic and profound. Black bars aside, this is a low budget, Italian take-off on George Romero’s flesh-eating-shoot-‘em-in-the-head zombie genre. The acting needs termite protection, and the script is barely sufficient to get the plot from one gross-out to the next. But the gore is pretty good, even clever in some parts. If you’re in the mood for some cheap, bloody thrills, you could do worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Holy Man

Eddie Murphy stars as a wandering sage who happens upon a down-on-his-luck home shopping channel executive (Jeff Goldblum as his usual annoying self) who ends up putting him to work on TV. Though at first network executives want the nut pulled off the air, he turns out to be extremely popular and ends up with his own show. Network, anyone? Sadly, most of the genuinely amusing moments were included in the trailers, and the rest of it is either a weak message piece or a comedy that fails to be funny. See if desperate

Review – Trekkies

We all knew these people in high school. Heck, I’ll even admit to having been one for awhile when I was younger. The thing I find most astonishing about the really hard-core Star Trek fans is how little perspective they appear to have on just how funny they are. Former Trek actor Denise Crosby takes us on a tour of the many worlds of the odd folks who glom onto either the shows as a whole or particular actors therein. Crosby exploits her status as cult figure to get inside the lives of folks like the Whitewater juror who was excused after showing up for court in her Starfleet uniform and a dentist who’s done his entire office in Trek decor right down to making his hygienists wear uniforms from the show. Further, the documentary never stoops to taking a mocking tone with its nerdy subjects. Letting them speak for themselves somehow makes it all the better. Worth seeing

Review – A Perfect Murder

A perfect bore is more like it. I guess Gwenyth Paltrow was okay as the hapless heroine, but Michael Douglas as the sinister husband and what’s-his-name the grubby model-looking guy as the thuggish lover turned hit man came off as excessively two dimensional. Note to Hollywood screenwriters: if you make the victim completely saintly and innocent and make both hubby and boyfriend come off as complete dirtbags, you aren’t doing much to keep the audience guessing. That leaves you with only two options: the complete surprise ending and the complete triumph of truth, justice and the American Way. For a thriller, that doesn’t provide a lot of either mystery or suspense. And believe me, the dialogue and acting weren’t enough to shore up the weak plot. See if desperate

Review – Year of the Dragon

When a film starts out with a disclaimer about how it shouldn’t be considered a depiction of Asian Americans in general, you know you’re in for some racist crap. And this movie serves it up in abundance. Every other word out of protagonist Mickey Rourke’s mouth is some sort of racial epithet, and in a script by Oliver Stone you can bet there’s a wide variety of offensive language. Even the supposedly honest, upstanding members of New York’s Chinatown community turn out to be caught up with the Tongs in some way or another. Just about every loathsome sort of human behavior gets at least a little screen time at some point in the two plus hours it takes this dog to spin out. So I guess it might have a little freak show value, but not much else. The only good thing I can come up with to say about this movie is that it appears to have been the final nail in the coffin of Michael Cimino’s career as a big-budget film-maker. Knock on wood. Wish I’d skipped it

The Blob

Despite the wooden acting and dated dialogue, this remains one of the ultimate drive-in horror pictures. Sure, it has more in common with the goofy old juvenile delinquent movies with which it shares an era in film history than it does with the festivals of graphic sex and violence to come. And sure, the villain here looks like a great big wad of tomato soup concentrate, which in odd moments actually manages to provide a chill or two. But it still has its good points, not the least of which is a very young Steve McQueen doing his level best to muddle through. Mildly amusing

Review – The Exorcist

Depending on how you define the genre, this could well be the most popular horror movie ever made. It’s also one of the most genuinely frightening; I remember that even the most unflappable of my friends were scared witless the first time they saw it (or course, we were in elementary school at the time, but still). I think I’ve seen it about 187 times now, and after repeat viewings I’ve reached the conclusion that the really fine points of this film are the subtle touches rather than the big gross-outs. Sure, little Linda Blair mouthing obscenities delivered by Mercedes McCambrige has plenty of shock value, but the real chilling moments are the smaller things like the now-legendary “subliminal” face in one of the dream sequences. As a result, this is one of the few films that genuinely rewards close viewing, particularly during the eerie Iraq sequence at the beginning. The 2000 re-release (and 2001 DVD version) include some additional footage, but aside from the gnarly down-the-stairs-backwards routine and a few additional appearances by “the face,” it doesn’t amount to much. Further, the director’s commentary track done by William Friedkin is genuinely wretched; almost completely devoid of background, insight or anything that might have made it worthwhile, it’s like listening to a really stupid guy do nothing but a brain-dead play-by-play. Buy the disc

Review – Maximum Overdrive

What would possess Stephen King to want to make a movie out of a stupid little story he wrote years earlier about trucks (and some, though apparently not all, other machines) turning on humanity and grinding us all into hamburger? Unless you’re into celebrity cameos (King himself as the victim of an ATM, Marla Maples Trump as bridge accident victim, and a much more extensive role for squeaky Yeardley Smith, better known to the world as the voice of Lisa Simpson), this doesn’t offer much more than an implausible plot, a script unworthy of its author, and a little bush league gore. See if desperate

Review – The People Under the Stairs

“Burn in Hell!” Here’s an odd mixture of elements from Wes Craven. At various points in this offbeat horror flick the plot touches on race relations, child abuse, incest, fetish, urban legends, and all kinds of mean and nasty things. The plot tends to jolt from thrill to thrill without much structure, but that’s no big surprise for the genre. The villains are a little too silly and much of the violence a little too slapstick for my taste, and killing a cute dog is never a good way to win points with me either. Other than that, for a dumb horror movie it’s not too bad. Mildly amusing

Review – Never Been Kissed

Most of those of us who weren’t the “in crowd” in high school learned to deal with it, if not as teenagers then at least shortly after graduation. For everyone who still have issues about that part of their lives, however, here’s a fantasy film just for you. Drew Barrymore stars as a copy editor at the Chicago Sun-Times who gets the opportunity to go back to high school as an undercover reporter. Most of the ensuing high-jinks are fairly predictable, as are the messages of love and altruism the audience gets clubbed with in the end. I’ve seen worse romantic comedies, but I’ve seen less juvenile ones as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Network

When this film first came out in the halcyon days of the 1970s, it was regarded as a farce. Corporate mergers and buyouts completely rework broadcasting priorities from PICON to profits? Hah! The network programming department takes over the news division? Ridiculous! Proud traditions of journalism tossed on the ash heap, replaced by crude sensationalism and other forms of crass infotainment? It could never happen. Two decades later, the picture’s practically a docu-drama. Of course parts of it, like an insane news anchor who curses and rants on the air, remain in the realm of high comedy, at least for now. But overall this is a wonderful, enjoyable example of how thin the line between realism and cynicism can often prove to be. Worth seeing

Review – Splash

Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah in a silly little comedy about a mermaid who falls in love with a produce wholesaler? Hoo boy! Actually, I guess it could have been worse. After all, it does have an amusing moment or two. But for the most part it’s just sappy and goofy. So if your brain needs to go to sleep for an hour and a half or so, this may be just the ticket. See if desperate

Review – The Saint

Here’s something novel: an action hero that makes it through the whole movie without killing anyone. All that money on effects and explosions and elaborate stunts, and not a single corpse (at least none directly attributable to our protagonist). Actually, it’s sort of refreshing. Val Kilmer must have spent months hanging around with clever people to get the method act down, but he does a reasonably good job of smirking his way through the role. And while I’m not quite sure I buy Elisabeth Shue as a nuclear physicist, I like her well enough that I really don’t care how believable she is. I don’t know a thing about the old TV series, but nothing I’ve ever seen Roger Moore do was ever this entertaining. Worth seeing

Review – Blast from the Past

High on concept and low on content, this situation comedy promises more than it delivers. Brendan Fraser stars as a man who emerges in present-day Los Angeles after spending the first 35 years of his life living in a bomb shelter with his parents (Christopher Walken and Sissy Spacek). Our hero forms one of those ever-popular love-hate relationships with love-hate interest Alicia Silverstone as he wanders LA in search of provisions. It’s a cute if somewhat implausible idea, but it never goes anywhere. Almost all the humor derives directly from a highly contrived sense of culture shock, and it gets really old really fast. It’s not a terrible film, and if you’re in the mood for a no-brainer you could do a lot worse. But it’s nobody’s best work, and for Fraser and Silverstone that’s really saying something. Mildly amusing

Review – Topaz

I imagine this was a cutting-edge political thriller when it came out in 1969. After the Cold War ended, the whole Cuban missile crisis thing naturally lost a lot of its immediacy. Further, the laconic, European pace director Alfred Hitchcock brings to the political intrigue makes the drama seem dated, not to mention a little uneven in spots. Drawbacks aside, however, the plot twists and turns with enough velocity to keep it interesting, and the intrigue is only slightly diminished by the passage of time. If you’re in the mood for some sixties-era skullduggery, you should find this film thoroughly delightful. Mildly amusing