Review – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

George Lazenby? Who made that casting decision? This was the little-known Bond between the first time Sean Connery retired from the role after You Only Live Twice and the second time he retired after Diamonds Are Forever. Though to be honest, maybe Lazenby wasn’t such a bad call. He looks and acts just like a nine to five clerk, and because this film treats the superagent as a civil servant, Connery (or even Roger Moore) would have seemed out of place. Can you imagine the Connery Bond sitting around an office making copies? Yet here 007 does just that (in a scene not made dramatically more interesting by the fact that it was set in a lawyer’s office that our hero broke into). Later his getaway car is stalled by frozen windshield wipers. I’ve got problems like that of my own; I expect James Bond to worry more about saving the world from annihilation and less time fretting about minor mechanical defects. Set the VCR to fast forward until the commando attack on Blofeld’s (oh, and Telly Savalas as Blofeld?) mountaintop stronghold at the end. Otherwise you’ll have to endure the sickening sight of the notorious playboy actually falling in love. And worse, when the action ends 007 actually gets married! She gets killed almost immediately thereafter, but still. See if desperate

Review – Dr. Dolittle (1998)

Eddie Murphy stars as the reluctant hero of this rework of the famous story of the doctor who can talk to animals. The plot tends to meander a little as Murphy dithers about whether to pursue his career as a successful physician or give in to his long-repressed talent for communicating with the beasts. Aside from a few slightly raunchy jokes, this is strictly juvenile fare. Nonetheless, it’s amusing, if for no other reason than one can have a good time playing guess-the-celebrity-voice with the doctor’s furred and feathered friends. Mildly amusing

Review – Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

Back when Adam Sandler was a regular on Saturday Night Live, he had a routine that he did a couple of times for the Halloween edition of the Weekend Update skit in which he suggested cheap costume ideas. For example, he’d take a pickle out of a jar, stick it under his nose, and announce, “I’m Mr. Crazy Pickle Mustache. I have a pickle for a mustache. Please give me some candy.” Basically, this third film in the Hellraiser series is more than a little reminiscent of Sandler’s SNL gag. Our antihero, Pinhead, lost all his cenobite buddies in the second one (of course, I think technically he died at the same time, but holding this kind of film to any sort of logic or continuity is a fool’s endeavor). So now he has to make some more. Lacking really good material (not unlike the screenwriter), he improvises with some folks from a local disco. End result: “I’m Mister Crazy CD-head Guy. I have CDs stuck in my head. Please give me some candy.” See if desperate

Review – Hellbound: Hellraiser 2

Despite an occasional moment or two (such as the “origin of Pinhead” sequence toward the beginning), this sequel is mostly muddled and unevenly paced. It also contains just a touch of the silliness that pervades the sequels that follow. I must admit that I’ve got a bit of a soft spot in my hellbound heart for it nonetheless, because the first time I saw it was a couple of days before Christmas at the tail end of a semester from Hell. (Further, I admit that I own a copy of it because I got it in a two-disc set with the original, though this sequel enjoys a somewhat less favorable verdict). The DVD also includes audio commentary, in which the director and the screenwriter gripe about production problems and star Ashley Laurence remains mute throughout most of the movie (the disc also includes an after-the-fact mini-documentary and some other bonus features). Mildly amusing

Review – Hellraiser

This is the film that put Clive Barker on the movie map. He gets director’s credit for this loose adaptation of his novella “The Hellbound Heart,” though rumor has it that they had to bring in another guy to finish the job when the author had some trouble getting it done. Barker’s made a tidy living exploiting the cross-over between traditional horror and kinky sex, and this movie is a typical example. I’ve grown progressively less and less fond of the series as the sequels have come out, but I still like to watch the first one every now and again. Fans of the film or the series may also enjoy the added features on the DVD, which include feature length commentary and an after-the-fact mini-documentary. Buy the tape (or the disc if you’re really into it)

Review – Anastasia

I saw this the same weekend that the remains of the last two generations of the Romanovs were interred in Moscow. The ceremony and the movie share a certain unique perspective on history (i.e. Nicholas has somehow been transformed into a hero, no doubt leaving other long-term residents of Hell like Mussolini and more recent additions like Pol Pot a little glimmer of hope), and the movie shows even less connection with reality (both Anastasia and Rasputin survive the revolution, though the latter appears to be a bit the worse for wear). Otherwise pretty typical Don Bluth Disney-wannabe stuff. Oh, and for the record, I rewatched part of this film a second time on a larger TV screen, and it did improve slightly. Still, the politics were hard to get around. Mildly amusing

Review – Forbidden Planet

This film has got to have one of the all-time most annoying soundtracks (the score, rather than featuring what we in the 20th century understand as music, instead sounds like a lot of electric noise doubtless generated by a Theremin). Sound problems notwithstanding, this is one of the best science fiction movies ever made. How many other sci-fi pictures can boast effects that were decades ahead of their time (a lot of it still holds up fairly well), interesting characters, and an underlying philosophical debate about the nature of consciousness? Worth seeing

Review – Hamlet (1996)

Kenneth Branagh isn’t just Hamlet. I submit that he is instead a full-sized Ham. If you have the patience to take this one on, set some time aside (it’s long). The direction is predictable and occasionally amateurish. Still, I guess I’ve seen worse Shakespeare. For that matter, I’ve seen worse Shakespeare from Branagh. Mildly amusing

Review – Spawn

Here’s another grim, violent movie based on a grim, violent comic book, a la The Crow (though nobody in this picture, including the once-great Martin Sheen, packs the potential of the late Brandon Lee). For a film that was heavily hyped on its special effects, a lot of the effects weren’t especially special. Some of the makeup was pretty good, particularly John Leguizamo as the killer clown (really? Leguizamo as a frantic, annoying character? go figure). But the stuff they did on computers was mediocre at best and at worst unworthy even of 64-bit video games. I suppose this is the sort of film that I would have absolutely loved back when I was 12 years old, which I guess means that it does a great job of catering to its target audience. See if desperate

Review – Half Baked

Who would have thought that in the 90s you could still make dumb drug comedies? I guess at least some small remnants of the 70s managed to survive Nancy Reagan (witness cameos by Tommy Chong, Willie Nelson, and a handful of other dopers from the days). Like its predecessors, the next generation of pothead movies features a few really funny spots in the middle of a lot of really stupid marijuana jokes. Mildly amusing

Review – Small Soldiers

If you go into this Joe Dante picture expecting to see a revamp of Gremlins, then you’re going to get more or less exactly what you bargained for. The amazing thing is, it still works. You have to be willing to meet it halfway, since it’s the usual Dante parade of sappiness and stock actors, but if you give it just a little leeway you can have a lot of fun with it. Oh, and there are more inside jokes and sub-references in it than you can shake a stick at. I like that in a movie, especially when I get the jokes. Worth seeing

Review – Grosse Pointe Blank

I think we all have films that just hit us a little too close for comfort, movies that we love not so much because they’re good (though usually such films are) as we love them because we identify with them in some way. For my grandfather, the lifelong union man, John Sayles’ Matewan was such a movie. My father, the Soviet history buff with a passion for the eastern front in WWII, latched onto Come and See. For me, this movie about a hit man attending his ten-year high school reunion did the trick (don’t ask unless you really want to know, and even then don’t ask anyway). Lack of objectivity aside, this movie is one of those delightfully offbeat comedies that doesn’t insult your intelligence by wasting time explaining all the jokes. Stir in a little melodrama, a lot of gratuitous violence, and most if not all of the Cusack family, and you’ve got a nice, quirky little film. Buy the tape

Review – A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Now the series is starting to settle into a rut, building on the Freddy mythos. We’re starting to get a better idea of what kind of white magic it takes to subdue this particular demon (dream powers and all that new age rot). We even get some insight into the “origin of Freddy” (who could ever forget the “bastard son of a hundred maniacs” speech?). However, despite an occasional clever touch, like the bar named Little Nemo’s, the series is at this point becoming a bit too formulaic. Or maybe it’s just that by the time this one came out I had grown a bit beyond the average target audience range and thus don’t have quite such a warm spot in my heart for it. Quick note on the DVD: some small changes appear to have been made in the copy available on disc (such as the use of a different song early in the movie). I’m not sure why the thing was changed, but it was. Mildly amusing

Review – A Nightmare on Elm Street

This first film in the Freddy Krueger series is a lot like the original Godzilla movie in that both are a lot more serious horror films than most of their respective sequels. Though Freddy would later become a mass media icon, practically Halloween’s answer to Santa Claus for awhile at least, here he’s a much more shadowy figure (in fact, we don’t even get his name until about midway through the movie). Now of course we’re not talking about a classic of the liveliest art in any event, but there are still some genuine chills to be found amidst the schlock and stage blood. DVD note: the disc features commentary by Wes Craven, John Saxon, Heather Langencamp and the cinematographer. It’s not super fascinating, but if you’re a fan of the film you may get a kick out of it. Worth seeing

Review – Dead Alive

This film has an at least partially deserved reputation as the goriest movie ever made. Other than the buckets of stage blood, however, it has little to recommend it. Most of the humor is strictly Tromaville, more easily at home in pictures such as The Toxic Avenger and Demonic Toys. The meandering plot wallows in adolescent sexuality (Freud would have had a field day with the ending) ultimately serving as little more than an excuse to get the guts onto the screen. I guess if you’re cultivating a reputation as a connoisseur of the splatter sub-genre, the extremes here probably make this movie an important part of your collection. Otherwise ... See if desperate

Review – An American Werewolf in Paris

Very much like the London version, with a touch or two of The Howling stirred in for variety. Some of the werewolf effects were pretty impressive, particularly in the Club de la Lune sequence. They managed to correct a few of the drawbacks of the first one (i.e. they gave it a happy ending), but otherwise the sequel follows the original script pretty closely. Oh, and a small measure of gratuitous dog violence. Mildly amusing

Review – Wayne’s World 2

Perhaps seeing this one so many years after it came out was a mistake. Whether or not this particular joke had grown stale before the sequel even hit the theaters is now a question for the ages, but without a doubt the joke is beyond stale now. Lame compared to the original and tame compared to South Park or even Beavis and Butthead, Wayne and Garth just aren’t quite as clever as they seem to think they are. Of course, nobody in the universe is as clever as Mike Myers seems to think he is. This film marks the start of a downward spiraling trend more completely evident in Austin Powers. Most of the jokes just aren’t that funny, and even the ones that do manage to elicit a chuckle end up dead when he runs them into the ground. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Dawn of the Dead

One of my all-time favorites, the sort of film where I can do the dialogue while I’m watching, and the best of Romero’s three Dead movies (with all due respect, naturally, to the immortal classic Night of the Living Dead). I honestly believe that if American society ever really did collapse (with or without the assistance of flesh-eating zombies) that the result would closely parallel the action in this movie. I could say a lot more about Dawn, but that would sort of defeat the purpose of doing a capsule review. Side note: the first version I bought of this was a two-tape set. My current copy is a three-disc set that includes the theatrical release, the re-cut for video release, and the European version. The boxed-set is a must-have for serious fans of the movie, but even more casual horror fans may wish to add the single-disc version to their collections. Buy the disc

Review – The Nightmare Before Christmas

Here’s a Rankin-Bass Christmas special seen through the eyes of that weird little kid who wore only black, kept to himself at recess, and drew morbid cartoons in the margins of his notebooks. To director Henry Selick’s credit, the technical quality of the film is superb, the characters well done and the plot engaging. In fact, some of the humor is downright morbid, even genuinely scary at points, and constantly vaguely evocative of the things we were afraid of when we were small. Maybe not for the younger tykes, but otherwise well done. Worth seeing

Review – Godzilla (1998)

This is the big budget Hollywood version we’re talking about here. All that money, and the original from way back when is still a whole bunch scarier. In fact, the most suspenseful moment in this new, high-tech Godzilla (the part where the baby Godzillas are chasing our intrepid heroes around Madison Square Garden) is ripped pretty directly from Jurassic Park. The plot is poor, the dialogue wooden and the acting lackluster at best, all of which would be just fine except that there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of effects to take the place of the other shortcomings. The computer stuff was okay and all, but it just didn’t carry the movie by itself. Maybe if this wasn’t such a bad rework of such a long cinema tradition I would have felt a little more charitable about it. See if desperate