Review – The Fog

I don’t know if this old John Carpenter movie really qualifies as a sleeper, but it’s certainly an under-appreciated example of the ghost story genre. Normally I’m not fond of ghost movies, but this one has enough in the creepy curse and random violence departments to keep it moving. Carpenter also manages to avoid the no-payoff problem that began to plague his work later in his career by keeping the rubber monsters to a minimum. What he does with a fog machine and some creative back-lighting is a million times better than what most directors do with big, fat monster budgets. Worth seeing

Review – The Relic

As Tom Servo, one of the MST3K robots, once remarked, “I may be alone on this, but ... .” I really did like this film. Of course, I’m a terrible sucker for anything with a Lovecraftian edge, and this plot at least has the hints (though no follow-through). Some good effects, but a lot of plot problems (especially toward the end). If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this one had been directed by John Carpenter; Peter Hyams was actually at the helm. The movie’s major failing is the script. It seems like one of those projects that went through so many rewrites that much of the action is confusing, dead-ending or completely unmotivated. Still, I did enjoy the museum stuff, and the science parts were fun until the logic started to collapse. Worth seeing (“Yep, you’re alone on that.”)

Review – Titanic

Yes, I finally broke down and gave in to my curiosity about what all the hype was about. Jim Cameron is certainly the master of the Hollywood formula picture, with plenty of romance with the sexually-ambiguous Leonardo DiCaprio for the ladies and plenty of great big sinking boat for the guys. As big budget epics go, I’ve seen worse (at least Kevin Costner wasn’t in this one). The sweeping, computer-generated “chopper” shots were a little overused, and some of the effects work didn’t work. Even so, for the most part suspension of disbelief isn’t too much of a chore. Mildly amusing

Review – The Island of Dr. Moreau (1997)

If you’re low on your USRDA for ham-handed allegory, here’s a chance to get a dose that will last you for at least a year. The high point of this sad little film is Val Kilmer’s impersonation of Marlon Brando’s impersonation of the Queen of England struck down with leprosy. Though the majority of the animal violence is pretty obviously fake, slip-ups on the part of effects creator Stan Winston do little to excuse the brutish ickiness of this flick. See if desperate

Review – The Thing

One of the all-time classics of the horror genre, this film takes paranoia just about as far as it will go, into realms where anyone can turn out to be a thing. And what things! Effects wizard Rob Bottin creates some of the ickiest, most menacing creatures of all time. So okay, what’s my verdict on this one likely to be? Added bonus: the collector’s edition DVD comes with enough extras to make it significantly better than the movie alone, including some outtakes, some of the stop-motion animation that was cut from the final version, the usual making-of documentary and production stuff, running commentary from Kurt Russell and John Carpenter, and the original theatrical trailer, which in its own brief way is almost as scary as the movie itself. I should admit, however, that this was the fist DVD I ever bought, and I was sufficiently awed by the image quality that I would have recommended the disc version based on the improved technology all by itself. There’s also a edited-for-broadcast version that includes some of the extra footage and some interesting but highly ineffective voice-over back-story (and that’s about it … the rest of the movie’s so badly butchered that it’s nearly unwatchable). Buy the disc

Review – McHale’s Navy

What possesses me to rent these things? I mean, it’s just built-in guaranteed to be stupid, and stupid it was. Still, every once in awhile there’ll be a one-liner or a sight gag that actually draws a laugh or two, the sort of thing to rent when you’ve had a really draining week and aren’t quite up to Potemkin. Further, though I hate to admit it, I actually kind of like Tom Arnold. And though Steve Martin is another of my occasional guilty pleasures, I thought this was a lot better than Martin vehicle Sgt. Bilko. Mildly amusing

Review – Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

You’d think that a movie with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey would be better than this. But then again, you’d think I’d have better sense than to expect anything at all out of a Texas Chainsaw movie (especially after the first two sequels). This one makes some vague allusions to the original (without following it closely enough to exactly count as a remake), but otherwise stumbles along with the usual plodding, teenager-mauling, chainsaw-wielding excuse for a plot. Leatherface is a particularly pale shadow of his former self. The sad part is that the only thing this one has going for it that the original didn’t is some extra production value, and it’s this very polish that does it in. Much of the first one’s charm was due specifically to the bad film, the talentless actors and the general gritty unprofessionalism that gave the whole thing an almost documentary feel, adding a good deal of impact to the subject matter. No such thrill here. Finally, toward the end it disintegrates (if that’s even possible) into a tedious parade of “physical confrontations” and other random flopping around. See if desperate

Review – Tattoo

This might have been an okay movie if they’d just cut it off about an hour in, right after Maud Adams wakes up and discovers that Norman Bates wannabe Bruce Dern has coated her with tats. Stopping it right then and there would have given it a nice sort of Twilight Zone quality (you can almost hear Rod Serling delivering a pithy speech about the dangers of forbidden romance, his upper lip never moving). I guess it was a mildly clever concept, but by the time it devolves into the woman growing to love her rapist it was just so thoroughly repugnant (or at the very least dated) to make it unwatchable. See if desperate

Review – The Re-Animator

This is the prototype for a string of films that use defenseless, long-dead H.P. Lovecraft as an excuse for misogynist horror schlock. If you liked this one, you might also want to check out From Beyond and The Lurking Fear, though the latter film is lighter on the tit shots. For those hearty souls willing to brave frantic overacting, bad effects and an empty-headed script, this one really is a piece of horror movie history. See if desperate