Review – Steel

Thank goodness for HBO; otherwise, I’d never see films like this. Steel is another film based on a comic book, but this time at least it’s a mainstream Superman semi-spin-off rather than one of those dreary goth-fests known to the world as graphic novels. Don’t get me wrong; this one isn’t exactly a masterpiece of the cinematic arts. But the pubescent target audience will probably enjoy the show, and there are a fair number of little moments (such as the Shaquile O’Neal character’s trouble shooting baskets or the Richard Roundtree character making a Shaft reference) to keep adults at least semi-engaged. If nothing else, it’s nice to see Hollywood take an interest in doing a superhero flick with a non-Caucasian protagonist. Mildly amusing

Review – Young Frankenstein

Mel Brooks back when he was still funny. The jokes are old and tired, but somehow I just can’t keep myself from laughing at them. And of course the “Puttin’ on the Ritz” scene endures as a classic of film comedy. They don’t make ’em like this anymore ... well, Mel Brooks sure as heck doesn’t make ’em like this anymore. Worth seeing

Review – House of Wax

This famous Vincent Price vehicle is such a classic that it’s pretty much a cliché at this point. You’ve heard the plot before: mad genius artist makes ultra-lifelike wax dummies for his museum by killing people and coating them with wax. Sure, it’s dated, and the fact that it was originally shot in 3-D makes some of the visuals a little weird (especially the paddle-ball sequence). But it still holds up, due in large measure to Price’s wonderful performance. Worth seeing

Review – Exit to Eden

One part Dan Akroyd/Rosie O’Donnell caper comedy, one part Dana Delaney Cinemax-Friday-After-Dark softcore porn, and one part Anne Rice S&M hokum. I’d love to know at what point in the planning stages this actually sounded like a good idea. No matter which film type you like, this one’s likely to spend so much time showing you the other types that you’re probably going to walk away unhappy. And if you hate all three of them, it’s a lock. See if desperate

Review – Wishmaster

Three wishes, huh? Wow, I’ve never heard that one before. Let’s see. Okay, my first wish is that this film had never been made. Wes Craven has a producer credit on this one, but otherwise it’s a fairly unremarkable tale of a Djinn attempting to return from another dimension and rule the earth, something he can apparently only accomplish after he grants someone the traditional, tedious three wishes. About the only notable thing about the film is a handful of cameos by actors famous for doing other horror movies (including Tony Todd of Candyman fame, the bald guy from the Phantasm series and the guy who’s played bums in at least a couple of John Carpenter movies). See if desperate

Review – Escape from L.A.

Snake is indeed back, but he’s getting a bit long in the tooth for this kind of thing. Longer on action and shorter on plot than the original, this one’s not as good as Escape from New York but nonetheless merits a look. On the other hand, if you’ve seen the first one then you’ve pretty much seen this one as well; in fact, whole large sections of L.A. seem to be little more than in-jokes for those who’ve seen New York several dozen times (not mentioning any bush-league film critics by name). Worth seeing

Review – Escape from New York

Snake Plissken may well prove to be Kurt Russell’s finest hour. The plot is as implausible as it is innovative: New York City has been transformed into a giant, maximum security prison, and Air Force One is forced to crash-land therein. Our hero, a desperado headed for the big island anyway, is recruited by the government to save the President. The action is well done, and the plot keeps moving pretty well. In the end, though, it’s probably Russell’s performance as the anti-establishment rebel Snake that carries the day. The DVD includes few special features and thus has little to recommend it beyond the widescreen presentation format (though to be fair the widescreen thing does add more than a little to some of the scenes). Buy the tape

Review – The Spy Who Loved Me

Hour after endless hour of Roger Moore shenanigans, and the high point of the film comes in the first ten minutes when Carly Simon sings the theme song (my advice: turn off the picture so you can enjoy the sound without being forced to watch naked women in silhouette clinging from gun barrels as the opening credits flash around them). The rest of the flick is strictly from the seventies, right down to Richard Kiel as the humongous assassin with the stainless steel teeth, a killer cleverly nicknamed Jaws. And was there really a time when Barbara Bach parading around in skin-tight, reveling dresses passed for women’s lib because she was a Soviet agent bimbo rather than just your run-of-the-mill bimbo? Other than the dated material, it’s the usual parade of mad villains out to nuke the world and our intrepid agent who, thanks to his usual good luck and a gaggle of gadgets, manages to foil the dastardly scheme. See if desperate

Review – Wild Things

Question: how many logic-stretching plot twists can you put in a mystery thriller before it turns into self-parody? Apparently fewer than this film featured. Fans of girl-girl kink or Kevin Bacon’s penis will probably get at least a little thrill here, but otherwise this Body-Heat-a-la-Miami-Vice parade of witlessness is completely missable. See if desperate

Review – Sphere

How could a movie with this big a budget and this stellar a cast possibly stink this bad? Oh, yeah. Michael Crichton wrote the book. Sphere steals openly from Jules Verne and under the counter from at least half a dozen other sources, most notably Forbidden Planet. I won’t give away the ending, except to note that it’s the dumbest moment in an extremely dumb film, so that will give you something to look forward to if you fail to heed my warning and sit all the way through it. See if desperate

Review – Speed 2: Cruise Control

Doesn’t live up to the original, and considering that the original wasn’t all that much to live up to, this one is a real stinker. Willem DaFoe puts in his usual raving nutjob appearance, which sadly was probably the highlight. The whole thing with the cruise liner out of control was as preposterous as it was complicated, lacking the bomb-on-a-bus simplicity of the Reeves movie. Keanu was well advised to stay away from this one. See if desperate

Review – Blade

If you can figure out how to do it, try watching the first fifteen minutes and the last ten or so, and skip the rest. When screen time is devoted to fast-moving action sequences with plenty of exploding, melting vampires, this movie is pretty good. But all the meandering plot development, Wesley Snipes soul-searching, and vampire in-fighting gets the big who-cares. If you’re going to make an action movie, make an action movie for cryin’ out loud. Mildly amusing

Review – Big Top Pee-wee

I guess if you subtract Tim Burton and Phil Hartman from the original, this is what you get. In other words, the circus version is pretty badly watered down, certainly Pee-wee on his way back down (a trip that, of course, ended in a porn theater not too long after Big Top came out, if memory serves). I suppose there are a couple of moments that work, but mostly the humor that seemed clever and quirky in the original just seems flat, odd, even dumb here. See if desperate