Review – Vlad the Impaler

Every once in awhile you owe it to yourself to watch a propaganda movie from another nation. That way you can clearly see the witless stupidity without the cultural pressure to uncritically accept the story and its morals. So if you don’t happen to be Turkish, this should be a good choice for you. A 15th century commando squad working for Mehmet the Conqueror goes in search of revenge against Vlad Tepes. Dracula is nobody’s notion of a benevolent ruler, which makes him a natural bad guy from the Muslim perspective. Still, this is so cartoonishly dumb that it almost makes him look good. See if desperate

Review – The Unwilling

A rich old man dies, leaving his obnoxious heirs a box that, when opened, releases a supernatural force that’s equal parts evil, stupid and predictable. Bickering and bush league gore ensues. The cast includes a few faces – particularly Lance Henriksen and Dina Meyer – who used to have better agents. See if desperate

Review – Smile 2

I admit to skipping the first one (cat death), so if there’s something significant about characters occasionally grinning like idiots – beyond the explanation awkwardly shoehorned in toward the end of act two – then I may be missing the reference. Beyond that this is an exceptionally mopey piece about a singer slowly going nuts. Or is she? Or does it even matter? Honestly this spends enough time on centered shots to come across as Wes Anderson on PCP and horse tranquilizers. If your notion of horror is mostly just awkward, prepare to be chilled to the bone. See if desperate

Review – The Quatermass Xperiment

Though clunky by modern standards, this is a revolutionary blend of space travel and cosmic horror from Hammer Films way back in 1955. The notorious Dr. Quatermass shows a stereotypical scientist’s disinterest in the human effects of an unauthorized space travel experiment that kills two astronauts and turns the third into a human-alien blend. This would have gotten a higher rating if not for all the animal deaths. Also released as The Creeping Unknown. Mildly amusing

Review – The Resonator: Miskatonic U

Nostalgic for the heyday of Full Moon Videos? Apparently you aren’t alone. This is a semi-loving homage to what Stuart Gordon did with H.P. Lovecraft’s “From Beyond,” complete with rubbery effects and gratuitous boob shots. See if desperate

Abandoned movie – Riddick

Ten minutes in, the relentless animal death showed no signs of stopping. The fact that all the animals were obvious CGI didn’t make it any better.

Review – Werewolves Within

The time-honored tradition of making terrible movies based on video games continues. This time the source was a game I’ve never heard of and definitely won’t be seeking out. Sitcom B-listers do their best to make the sitcom script seem quirky rather than juvenile. But there just isn’t enough story here to last for anything near the running time. Particularly annoying was the “who’s the werewolf?” trope, a question that was rendered almost completely moot by the high casualty rate prior to the lycanthrope’s only actual onscreen appearance late in the movie. See if desperate