Review – Dead Snow 2

Though I knew the original wasn’t exactly destined for a spot in the Criterion Collection, I hadn’t remembered it being quite as stupid as this. Apparently returning stolen gold to a pack of the zombie remains of genocidal monsters wasn’t enough to keep them at bay. So now zombie Soviets become the only hope of a Norwegian village targeted by the undead SS. Most of this works only on a slapstick comedy level with a five year old’s fascination with things messy and gross. See if desperate

Review – Weapons

Rare indeed is the horror movie that can accurately be described as “tightly plotted.” And rarer still of late has been the horror movie that makes a genuine effort to be scary. This one does it. The story starts with all the kids but one in a grade school glass running out of their homes in the middle of the night and vanishing. The mystery slowly unravels from multiple perspectives, taking several creepy turns along the way. Worth seeing

Review – The Monkey

Is it fair to complain that a movie about an evil toy monkey is stupid? I hope so, because wow was this ever dumb. Stephen King’s source story wasn’t the author’s finest moment, but it might have made fodder for something better than a witless horror comedy. See if desperate

Review – The Minotaur (1961)

Aside from a mercifully brief appearance by a sorry excuse for the title beast, this is little more than an Italian sword-and-sandals soap opera from the early 60s. See if desperate

Review – Highway to Hell

I guess I don’t have too much trouble believing that hell looks like a terrible movie from the 80s. A demonic cop kidnaps a woman from the title location, and her fiancee spends the rest of the picture negotiating with a range of implausible characters in an attempt to find and free her. If Orpheus and Euridice had been dropped on their heads as babies, this is how their story might have played out. See if desperate

Review – City of the Dead

City? This is a village at best. And as the antagonists are immortal witches, that’s kinda the opposite of “dead.” Nor does the oddness stop with the title. For example, I thought it particularly peculiar that the ingenue protagonist of the first half of the story sports some seriously Lili St. Cyr lingerie. Sadly, we’re all used to seeing Christopher Lee take roles in movies with terrible scripts. However, for a production that’s otherwise so flimsy, the cinematography is top flight. Again, odd. Mildly amusing

Review – Scars of Dracula

The IMDb page for this movie is more entertaining than the movie itself. It quotes Christopher Lee as having remarked, "I was a pantomime villain. Everything was over the top, especially the giant bat whose electrically motored wings flapped with slow deliberation as if it were doing morning exercises." And if that isn’t a sufficiently succinct indication of the experience that awaits viewers, the first five descriptors on the IMDb list are “female rear nudity, big breasts, buttocks, climbing up a wall, and cleavage.” See if desperate

Review – The Man from Planet X

I’m not sure what I just saw here. An alien crashes or lands or otherwise arrives on earth. He seems to want to communicate but proves unable to do so. Then the bad guy tries to kill him for no coherent reason at all. The story meanders from one random bit of business to the next, with acting very much on par with the script. Even a low budget seems like a lot to pay for something this bad. See if desperate

Review – House of Long Shadows

“House of Long Story with a Small Payoff” is more like it. They got Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and John Carradine, and yet all they had to do was let Desi Arnaz Jr. take the lead and the whole thing turned into a huge pile of crap. The script is so weak I’m surprised anyone involved – particularly the famous stars – ever agreed to do it. And as if the bulk of the running time wasn’t bad enough, the twist ending is really beyond excuse. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Final Destination: Bloodlines

The death curse becomes a matter of family inheritance, but otherwise this is whatever-verse-we’re-on-same-as-the-first. The deaths aren’t necessarily getting more elaborate, but they’re definitely becoming more grandiose. Tony Todd’s farewell scene is touching, but beyond that this entry isn’t particularly notable. Mildly amusing

Review – Red Ghost: Nazi Hunter

This movie’s worth it for the first five minutes alone. Killer opening aside, this is a typically Russian blend of gory action and slapstick comedy, an approach only the Russians themselves could get away with applying to Operation Barbarossa. Worth seeing